Still Struggling

I still feel like I am drowning.

I described most of my past relationship in my last story. But he's still treating me badly. Even though I am out of the relationship, it doesn't feel like it. Not at all. Because I still love him, and he's still messing with my emotions, and I'm so angry at him, which is good. It's good that I'm feeling angry at him, too, and that I'm not just blaming it all on myself.

Anyway, he's still treating me like a piece of crap. It's a rollercoaster. He'll say "I still love you and I want to try to be friends for now until I become a better person" and then two days later he'll explode and say "I hate you, you're an awful person and I don't trust you."
I'm done dealing with it.
I'm the one who can't trust HIM. He goes back and forth. He'll raise my hopes because he's nice to me for a while, and then he'll crush them.
I can't live like that anymore.

Whenever I "make a mistake" (which practically means do nothing), he'll tell me he can't forgive me, just like he did when we were dating. It's like he looks for things to be mad at me about.

He was yelling at me yesterday, because I said I used to like Martin Luther King when I was younger, and he said I had no right to like MLK because I'm white, so it just means I'm a "suckup." I got mad and told my bestfriend what was going on. He got pissed and said I broke the trust between us. I know I was wrong by telling my other friend, but it's like he was waiting for a reason to decide he hated me.

Also, he continually says I'm the reason for him wanting to committ suicide, which makes me guilty, and TERRIFIED that he'll kill himself. It makes my self esteem low, thinking that I'm such a bad person that he wants to die because of me. What have I done? I end up feeling like I don't deserve to be happy. See how he destroys all my confidence?

That's why I'm done.

I went to my mother about his suicidal claims, and she went to his parents. Yes, that caused drama. He accused me of betraying him, going behind his back. All I wanted to do was make sure his parents were aware, so he could be safe. He said a real friend would have kept his secret. No, a real friend would always get help. He NEEDS help. I want to protect him, I don't want him to die.

And he's safe, for now. But I still go to bed everynight scared I'll wake up and he'll be dead.

But it doesn't matter- I can't let him keep destroying me. I can't. I can keep a place for him in my heart, but I can't let him in my life.