Newly Divorced But Still Can't Let Go of a Toxic Chaotic Relationship

I got married to my high school sweetheart right after graduation(after I found out I was pregnant). A few months later, our 1st son was born. I suffered from post partum depression. So we were 2 young kids trying to deal with being married on top of having a new baby. We would argue frequently but I never really had any reason to suspect he could be cheating on me, I guess looking back I was just being young and naive. I never got any real proof until 2 years later when I was pregnant with our 2nd son. Basically the whole time I was pregnant he cheated on me and lied to me. I was hurt and furious and did a lot of crazy things to hold on to him during my pregnancy but he continued to cheat anyway. He also became mentally and emotionally abusive to me as well. One time he even told me that he was gonna do what he wanted and that I couldn't control anything. Well after my son was born, he told me that he had found someone else and wanted to move on with his life and that  if I wanted to divorce HIM, I could, he didn't care. Well, I never did. We just separated and got back together for the next 4-5 years. Eventually I started to see other people also. But even with all the abuse I'd gone through all those years, I could never let him go. Even during the times it would seem like we were getting back on track, he would still always have another woman waiting in the wings "just in case things didn't work out with us" and he would lie and be very manipulative. I always felt like everything was MY fault and that I could never be woman enough for him. Inevitably, things always fell apart and I finally got tired and filed for divorce. During the divorce, I still hadn't gotten this man out of my system and would still sleep with him on occasion even though I knew he was dating other women and he wouldn't commit to me. Well, it's been a little over a year since our divorce was finalized and he has a new girlfriend now but I still can't let go. We even slept together after the divorce. This is the hardest battle I've ever fought in my life and I'm really trying this time to move on but any advice would really help greatly......

mamanay30 mamanay30
3 Responses Feb 18, 2009

Thanks so much for your support....I'm doing okay so far just trying 2 take things one day at a time, it just hurts to know that I've just basically been being manipulated and used by this man for sooo long and that it was never really love....and then 2 see him with someone else knowing that eventually he's gonna try sniffing around me again. I'm just tryin 2 prepare myself and be really strong.

It sounds as if you truly LOVE him, while he was still in the game playing mode. YOU deserve more as do your kids. While it will hurt...walk away and make a new life for yourself. As long as you are sleeping with him, you aren't going to be able to move forward IMHO.

Keep trying, good luck on your journey, everything is coming up roses<br />
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