Real Love

I am a 36 year old woman, am married of 13 years and have a 10 year old son. I had an experience that I'm not sure too many people hav experienced. All I can say is that this is very complicated.
My husband and I had a very rocky time in our 10-13 years of marriage. He was in back in school at the time this happened so I was not getting the support I needed emotionally, parentally, etc. I had actually seriously considered leaving my husband and almost did when this event occurred.
I met this guy at work that my boss hired. My boss had asked me for my input on his hiring this guy but I didn't like him. He was NOT my first pick. However, something happened that changed my life forever. I have a history of being sexually abused so this particular event scared me. This guy had put his hand over top of mine while we were doing something and something happened to me. I felt sexually alive again! I of course didn't tell this guy this. I didn't know him that well yet, and I definitely didn't trust him yet. He said some things to me that led me to believe he was feeling it too other than the fact he was nervous around me and we were always laughing together and having a really good time. I didn't want my coworkers to know how I felt either.
As time passed, our friendship grew and my feelings for him grew. I was noticing he was sweating a lot and get red in the face a lot. He told me one day he was having some chest pain and he thought it was just anxiety (leave it to us nurses) I asked him if he had a family hx of heart disease and he said yes. His Dad had open heart in his 40's and his grandfather died young of heart disease. I told him he needed to get checked out. (This was even the area of the hospital we were working in) My friend was 42 at the time, and the Dr and everyone in our dept were shocked to hear he needed open heart. He was so scared. He had his guy friend with him. He told me right after he found out. He asked to see me. I felt a very strong connection to him. I knew when he was ringing his bell in the middle of the night and no one came. I almost had called the unit for them to check on him but I figured they'd think I was crazy. I turned out his BP had dropped and needed help ASAP and no one had answered his bell for quite a while.
Anyway, he had his surgery, and I of course gave my support. He had said there was a reason why he came to work on the unit. If he hadn't he would've most likely have had an MI and most likely died. Not having him there while he was recovering was very hard for me. His guy friend was with him every time he came to the hospital. He never admitted to me that he was gay and I think he was afraid to tell me. It didn't matter to me because I loved him no matter what he was. I had started going to counseling to help me through this. I had told my husband I had feelings for this man all along which made our marriage even rockier. I would get a lot of hang up phone calls.
Anyway, after he returned, he was a little different, but we still talked a lot. We always sat next to each other. I was so confused by him because he did things that showed me he really cared for me and was even very protective of me and that felt really good. Then, he started to distance himself from me. I didn't know if he was feeling hurt deep inside because by now the whole hospital knew he was gay. I was waiting for the right moment to tell him that if he and his guy friend had made a commitment I was happy for him. I noticed he had started to wear a silver ring on his left 4th finger. Then, one day it came out and he was shocked. He said they hadn't and it wouldn't be any time soon as he was still finishing his schooling. (This guy was in school too. We accommodated him with the schedule too) I had said this to him in private. He wasn't big on sharing his personal life with hardly anyone. The little he told me was a lot. He said nothing more. This killed me too. He was better with me then though.
Then, like a bomb being dropped, my boss called us all together one day this guy was off to tell us he was leaving the unit. I was so hurt I heard it from my boss instead of my friend. My boss said it was because he was going to need a lot more flexibility with his schedule and he was joining per diem group. When my friend came back from vacation, I told him I was sad he was leaving. One day we were discussing it in a group and my friend teared up as we were talking about it. So, I was voted to get his parting gift. I picked out a nice pen and had it engraved with his would be new credentials. I never told him I loved him. His last week he and I worked together on the unit with just the 2 of us. One of my patients had mistaken him as my husband. His last day he stalled cleaning out his locker, didn't take his stethoscope out of the drawer, didn't clean out his mailbox, etc. He said he was sad. He had disappeared for a little bit towards the end. After we walked out together, I gave him a hug. He said when he'd be working next. I had texted him, and he answered once. So, I didn't do that as much. I texted him on his bday but no reply. He'd stop by to see me sporadically and I anticipated him walking through the door every day. I missed him so much.
He left last June and this last February I finally told him how I felt. ( I was his nurse when he came in for a check up in August. He was having symptoms again. He had asked me before he left if I thought anything was wrong. I said no. His arteries were all clear. I never got a thank you from him for that ) I told him I had kept it from him all this time. When he didn't return my texts, I wasn't sure if he just didn't want to or if his boyfriend was jealous. I didn't want to cause problems between he and his boyfriend. We were e mailing but he didn't always respond to that. I had sent him an email tellling him how disrespected I felt that he wasn't answering. so that's why I decided to tell him how I felt because it was killing me. I confided in my boss about it. My boss said he had no clue I had these feelings for this man and thought maybe I should tell him This guy said he had no clue. (I thought, how? Any gay men reading this please help me figure out how he didn't have a clue) I told him he had did some things and said some things tha led me to believe he felt the same. Then, he didn't tell me how he felt. Loving him as deeply as I do, I didn't pressure him to respond.
For a while it was ok.
He would e mail me back. I didn't e mail a lot because I didn't want to take advantage of him. Then, I heard from another gossipy coworker that he was leaving at the end of June beginning of July, and he was moving away. He had told me in an e mail he was done with school but didn't e mail me to tell me this. I waited for him to tell me because his last e mail he said he would try to stop by. He stayed a week longer than planned but his last day was during a week I was going to be on vacation. My last day before vacation, this gossipy coworker told me she told him to come and see me. (However I think she conveniently left out the part I was going to be on vacation his last day) I shared with my boss an e mail I sent this guy. I wished him well but was very sad I would be missing his last day and my chance to say goodbye. My boss said he has spoke with my friend earlier in the week and he said he still needed to say goodbye to me. ( I didn't believe him at first) My boss panicked and said he forgot I was on vacation the next week and pleaded he go get my friend. He did. When my friend came around the corner his first words were "I didn't know you were on vacation next week" I told him had he e mailed me about it I would've told him. I was so hurt. The night before I had cried so hard. I burst a blood vessel in my eye. He asked me about my eye but I didn't tell him what happened. He asked me if I had coughed or sneezed and I said no. He made small talk and then there was silence. Then I wished him luck and gave him a hug. (even though I was so angry and hurt he hadn't told me his news himself. Especially after I had told him how I felt about him) Then gossip queen said, " Ahhhhh, are we all going to get in line and get a hug?" My friend (if I can call him that) said, "no I've got to get back to the ICU" He had told me I was going to be just fine and then turned away quickly. I could've screamed. What a horrible goodbye!
I thought I would've meant more to him than that! My husband and I have been ok. I had been questioning God a lot. Why so much pain? You can't just shut off love. What hurts the most is I never got the thank you's in the end. Thanks for accommodating me with the schedule, thanks for accepting and loving me for who I am not what I am, thanks for urging me to get my heart checked out, thanks for supporting me. I felt so brushed off. When he was on the unit with me, people noticed how close we were. Must be nice to be able to shut off your feelings like that. I don't think to pain from this will ever leave me. I have to tell myself we were never friends. It was all a lie. He got what he needed from me and left with a big piece of my heart.
I'll never understand the gay community but by God I was trying. I opened up my heart with love and was compassion and sensitivity with him on the issue. My counselor said that's a huge thing that I told him I accepted him. Maybe my friend doesn't believe me, but I do love him no matter what. I love my husband too for helping me through some of this although I'd rather not share ALL of my hurt with him as that would hurt him. He has been a wonderful husband to me the last 1 1/2 years. I have been honest with him and my firiend. Why won't the hurt subside? Why can't I just say he's a jerk and be "just fine"
Thanks for any input especially any men from the gay community.
hollandtulip hollandtulip
36-40, F
Jul 19, 2010