"Men are easy to please sexually"

It's is definitely true of the great majority of men. But Not this one.

She needs to be very sensual, a highly skilled lover, highly orgasmic and capable of vaginal *******, and it needs to be a deeply emotional and profound experience for her.

She also needs to have no inhibitions whatsoever.

And it needs to be a necessity for her - she gets a deep sense of human connection from sex and it is dehumanizing and brutal for her to live without it.

She also needs to have a vagina that fits me. And she needs to prefer to keep it entirely shaved.

And she needs to be very comfortable in her sexuality and with physical affection and to enjoy nudity.

She also needs to needs to understand surrender, and to be a submissive emotionally and sexually.

There also needs to be a very strong chemistry and attachment, and a profound emotional vulnerability that we share. Otherwise, I get virtually nothing out of the sexual experience, even if all those other things I just described are present.

If even one single thing I have just listed is off, she absolutely will not work for me as a partner and I will likely have little or no interest even in having sex with her.

I've only met one woman like this in my life and unfortunately the relationship could not go forward at that time because she smoked too much pot and had no interest or value in marriage whatsoever, and didn't show the slightest sign of her heart opening to seek healing and growth, even though I was shining the light of love into her life and talking about these kinds of topics daily.

Although she wanted to keep me forever and I want to keep her forever also and still do want to, and the connection was profoundly wonderful and nourishing for both of us, that just wasn't going to work for me.

Her understanding of why I left is totally erroneous, and she does not even know that. If I did try to explain it to her as I just did here, it's likely that she would not take that well. Instead of her heart opening to growth and healing and the necessity of getting off of substances at some point in order to facilitate that process, and understanding the profound value of the ideal of marriage, rather she would likely just feel that she is not accepted as she is or that she is being judged, etc, which is absolutely not the case or the problem. The problem is that she has a wounded and carnal sensibility, a hardened heart, is self-medicating heavily and has no desire for healing, and she does not need to be like that.

I'm hoping she and I can have another chance - if her heart ever changes and seeks truth, healing, and growth. But I don't think that's going to happen.

I am made for the ideal A+ relationship and profound intimate connection. As such, that makes it infinitely more brutal and debilitating for a person like me to be single, and it also makes it impossible for me to get anything out of any relationship that is less than that.

It also makes the process of dating and crashing around connecting with lots of different people to find one who is right for you just utterly draining to me. My conscience is way too strong, my heart is too soft, my attachment template is too severely wounded, I am just not equipped for that.

I was just thinking about it. About what it is like for these people who are able to get some sense of connection out of anything less than that. What it is like for people who do not have such a burdensome conscience about how they deal with the hearts and bodies of others. I greatly envy them, and yet find it somewhat sad and disturbing at the same time.
Ajushi Ajushi
41-45, M
May 14, 2014