Vulnerable, Naive, and Innocent

In the family that I grew up in, there was 10 of us in a house.  I was the eldest daughter and I had one other sister and 7 other brothers (you can only imagine). 

It all started when we had a new year celebration in our town.  There, I met a man, K, who was from another state.  I was fixing the dessert table, when he came up to me and started a phony conversation about how such a good girl I was and how beautiful I look.  I have to confess, when he asked my number, I did give it to him.  The reason why was because I was trying to get away from a so called bf so I thought, hey it's something to keep me busy with.

K returned to his home.  He returned a week later and said he loved me and asked me to marry him.  I was like, "what the hell?"  He was persistent though and images of him trying to play nice and win me over, laying on my bed, ugh!  I feel like throwing up.  Well, he certainly impressed my mom.

Mom was never a big help.  She always listened to our conversations and told me what to say to this man, things I've never imagined or even understand.  After 2 months or so, I told mom that he's been asking to marry me since the 1st week i've known him.  To my suprise, she said right off the bat, "why didn't you go?" (to marry him).  I was really crushed.

Another thing:  Since mom was pressuring me to talk to him and be alone with him, I confessed to her that he told me to stay the night with him in his car, but I refused.  To my utter disbelief, especially still now, she just looked away, like she was disappointed or something.  I don't know what she was thinking of at that moment.

When K called one day, I told him that I wasn't going to talk and that I was busy.  My stupid younger brother overheard me say this and ran to tell my parents.  My mom yelled at me for not talking to him and told me to call him back right away.  I'm sorry, but I felt like **** and was pretty angry at everyone.  But according to everyone, it was my fault and I was a cruel person.

In the last few days that led up to my marriage, I attended another event in his home state.  My mom made me ride in the car alone with him while we went to a relative's house where we were staying.  I got really upset that when he stopped at a yellow light, I freaked out and screamed at him to go and catch up with my family's car.  He later told this to my mom, who got angry at me for this also.

Afterwards, when my family returned home, my mom and I got into a big fight.  I've been trying to avoid talking to her about the problems, but she began to threaten me and isolate me from other family members, even my little sister.

It began when I told her that I was not going to marry this man (16 years my senior).  She said she wouldn't love me anymore from that moment on.  She wasn't going to buy me things.  I wasn't going to go to college outside of this town and I will only go the community college in our town.  I wasn't going to have anymore boyfriends.  Then she hands me the phone.  Call him tell him that you'll marry him.  I say no.  Mom says, then call him and tell him that you won't marry him, then give the phone to me and i'll tell him that you are no good and don't listen.  I'll tell K that you are a disobedient girl and he should come to our town and pick out the other asian girls here, your cousins, which ever one he likes he can choose, but not Heidi, because she's a bad girl.

I called him and told him to pick me up in one week.  I was to marry him.

It's a sad story.  A story of betrayal of every kind.  It's a sad marriage also, full of abuse.  I've become someone I dont want to be, but I've also learned a lot.  It's just going to be a matter of time and patience before I get over what's happened to me.  Everyone's got a hard and rough patch to get through.  This is just mine.


FallenGrace FallenGrace
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 24, 2009

you are a beauty. Lots of guys would like to meet you.!

she's been bitter her whole life...she had lived a rough life and is still being abused constantly. She isn't mad at me, no, she has loved me a lot. I'm not angry at her anymore like i used to be, though our relationship is still estranged.

Your mom sounds bitter... she probably isn't mad at you, but someone else... I'm very impressed that you're not angry at her. You must be very forgiving.

hm can I ask you what country you live in? because in my country you cannot marry till you're 16, and till you're 18 without the consent of your parents...