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The 10-year Nightmare: Married To A Sociopathic Woman

I am finally divorcing my wife of nearly 11 years. I started the process last summer and she refuses to agree or settle. For the entire time I was married to her, I tried desperately to make things better and figure out what the problem was in my marriage. The low point, and turning point thankfully, was during the fall and winter of 2008-09 when I became so depressed I started crying at work, seeing a counselor, and losing a lot of weight from not eating or sleeping. Thankfully, people listened. The irony of that is while I could see people who are victimized by sociopaths coming out of relationships with a lot of speculation about people, it is important to know that people who listened, cared, spoke the truth, and gave me time, were why my life has turned around. Come to find out, my wife had been cheating on me with another woman. That wasn't what turned a poor marriage into a divorce though. It was when I found out that she not only cheated with another woman but also was a sociopath. Someone close to me who was always available to listen whenever I needed to talk, kept encouraging me subtly to read The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout. I started off with some nods and convictions but once I really got into it, I had to put the book down dozens of times and say to myself, "Oh my God, it's her."

If there is anyone out there who wants to hear about the signs, the misery, and my way of getting out, I will gladly share. The reason I posted is because since starting to understand that my soon to be ex wife has a personality disorder, I have only seen information posted about male sociopaths. Well, females exist too. And they also can ruin your life.
dukearthur2011 dukearthur2011 36-40 17 Responses Apr 8, 2011

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Thanks so much for this post. It really helps the healing process to read about other people's stories and know that I'm not alone.

I was taken in by the lies of a sociopath. He lied to me for almost a year before the stories began making less and less sense (and it was always my fault for misinterpreting him -- never his fault for actually lying).

When I was about four months pregnant with our daughter, the whole ball of lies unraveled, and I dumped him flat out. I strictly enforced the No Contact rule and stick to it to this day. Once I discovered the truth (though a third party because a sociopath will cover lies with more lies and will never, ever admit they're lying), he cried and moaned about HIS pain and how HIS life was ruined. Never a word about the fact that I would have to raise a child by myself. Never a word of concern about the baby at all. Never offered me any help. And to be honest, I don't want a damn thing from him. It's just not worth it.

I bought a new house (mainly because I didn't want him to be able to track me down); blocked his phone number, social media sites, texts, etc.; and moved on with my life. He, of course, continues to try to contact me (using new phone numbers or changing e-mail addresses), but the moment I discover it's him, I hang up and block that number, or block the e-mail address.

It's a scary existence to constantly have to avoid this person, but from everything I've read about sociopaths, no contact is the only way to keep from being used and manipulated again. He called me two days after I closed on my new house (coincidence?? I think not). I'm convinced he realized I had something that he could potentially take from me and was planning to manipulate it out of me.

I truly believe in karma, and I know it's all out of my hands. Meanwhile, I have a beautiful little girl who will only know love, kindness, and happiness instead of the horror this man brought to my life.

I was married to a woman who was formally with Diagnosed Antisocial Personality Disorder. What I find to be the most frustrating is that this new term means sociopathy but the Lawyers and Judges have no idea that they mean the same thing. I finally had to refer to her as "unstable" and then people could relate. When I referred to her as a sociopath people think I am calling her a name. I inform them that I have the diagnosis papers from the hospital and they still think that I am calling her a name. My lawyer said that I should stop exaggerating about her diagnosis and the stealing and lying that she does! Truly criminal. She likes to diagnose everyone's problems and thinks that she is some kinda expert because she spent 5 days in the psych unit. We have 3 small children together and both my lawyer and her lawyer thought it was a good idea for them to live with her. She was evicted from her apartment 3 months later and dragged the children to her "friends" houses for 6 months. I finally had enough and went to the court with an order to show cause and get the children to live with me. She lied to the court and said that she had a place to live and a job. She falsified documents. She retains residential custody. Later that same day as the court hearing she dropped of the children and they have been with me ever since. --Thank God! I am afraid to bring her back to court because she will lie again and somehow it will be my fault that she is homeless and destitute. I am scared of her and her actions but society loves to believe her lies. Just an evil person. Why do they exist? Family courts really need to wake up and not put children with unstable female mothers. She caused all of the mess and confusion with her lies and stealing. I have her on tape wanting to sell one of my children. The stories I can tell. The one thing that I tell myself everyday is that the only power she has over myself and my children is the power that I give her. I try not to get her my energy and limit the exposure of my children to her. Good luck to all of you and keep your head held high. To all of you sociopaths out there, think to yourself what have you done to contribute to life. You are takers and evil people and I hope there is a special kind of hell for you.

I am the wife of a sociopath bordering psychopath. I have a world of experience and am currently writing a book about my life with him. I have a website I just started lifewithasociopath.net where I have forums for support, education etc. I hope you'll stop by there too and check it out for more information on a life with sociopath or psychopath. I'm also dedicating the last chapter of my book to short stories of people who have a sociopath in their life and how it's affecting them and need submissions if anyone is interested.

Hello,
I signed up on your website and I am ready to share the story of my life with my soon to be ex-wife. She is so classic in all the traits of a sociopath. It is deeper than you could ever imagine. I should have known better when it became clear that she had no close friends and her daughter and her have been estranged for years.

Hi Gunner! Thank you for coming over to the site, I hope you'll put a post in the forum, I need to get that off of the ground! :)

I am the wife of a sociopath bordering psychopath. I have a world of experience and am currently writing a book about my life with him. I have a website I just started lifewithasociopath.net where I have forums for support, education etc. I hope you'll stop by there too and check it out for more information on a life with sociopath or psychopath. I'm also dedicating the last chapter of my book to short stories of people who have a sociopath in their life and how it's affecting them and need submissions if anyone is interested.

wow!!!!!
i wish i had come across this site time back, my marriage ended after 25 years, finally divorced... after reading all the notes here left by you all and thanks so much to you all..
i never knew what a sociopath was... until i read all this.. and started doing my own research,.... today i feel glad that she is out of my life, however i am somewhat troubled that i have to have some contact due my children... you all have opened a new doorway for me with your experiences and every experience i read say to me "Yes that was her" describing her so perfectly....and i never saw it all those years.. well she has for sure ruined my life and still trying to, at the same time she has ruined my children's life also....
she has moved on to her new victim so good luck to him as he is wealthy and she will drain him for his money and power... and to add she has become the second wife to him.. which he allowed.. does not make any sense to me... however i am glad that she is out of my life..

Bless you truly! My heart goes out to you one hundred percent. I know the terror and pain of loving someone with such a diseasing, parasitic and leeching lifestyle that feeds off the suffering of others. I know how consuming it is, and how utterly devastating and corrosive it feels. You don't have to put yourself through that- not for anything, not for anyone. You are not defined as a person based off of the love you had for such a person. I am so glad and relieved that you recognized the signs and got out. There are some people who would stay out of the notion of love and acceptance of a person's faults- and that is the absolute worst fate to be doomed to. No one who's like that will stop. There is no coming back or getting better from something like that. Sociopaths are devoid of any and all feeling or ability or cognition for and of barrenness and empathy. They are apathetic by nature, and destructive by rule.

Again, I am so impressed by and thankful to whoever helped you escape that future, and if you ever need to talk to anyone, please consider me a forever open ear.

I was also married to a sociopath and am in the process of divorcing her and believe me she is making even that hell. My story is a book. Shocking throughout. Anyway wants to know I'd be happy to email it Might force me to write but it includes cheating poisoning abortions and financial abuse.

hey , my heart goes out to all who have suffered life with a sociopath... please share...i am sure mine could be a book as well, interesting after 25 years of marriage..when all i did was to keep my family happy and together.. financially secure..etc ..etc..

are u sure it was stress causing u to not sleep and losing weight because I went thru the same except I realized my then wife was poisoning me slowly for years

Jesus u 2. Mine used anti depressants to the point I was urinating foggy urine. Household chemicals and massive amounts of salts especially in coffee served piping hot.

I too was married to a sociopath although I divorced her she continues to terrorize me I cannot get the police to act on crimes she has committed and continues to commit she has taken my health my children my health and my retirement how can I get police to look at facts I am afraid she will hurt our children the things she does are so bizarre no one can comprehend it what can I do

Hey,you are sooo right that we don´t hear much about sociopathic women.
I lived with one for 4years and although we split up 8years ago,my life is still massively affected by her manipulations.Thing is it´s only in the last few days that I realise that she is a sociopath...!

I am at the last stages of a short divorce from my wife of 8 years, together almost 12. For most of our time together she was the perfect wife, friend, daughter in law. She liked everything I did, our pace of life was similar and we shared the same interests. Now I know so much of it was fake. During our wedding I caught her in bed with our neighbor, and saw in her eyes and demeanor that of the devil. She said "now you know what I'm capable of." For some reason, the biggest mistake I've made in my life and terrible lack of judgment, I stayed with her after she convinced me it was a "one off", could not happen again and she was crazy with stress at being married and the wedding. Recently I found out she has been having an intense, obsessive affaire with our ski instructor, had him stay at our house when I was on work trips and was sleeping with him during our vacations. Her manipulations and lies were so extensive and expertly executed; it was only possible without any conscience. Since we split up I heard from her friends she had a string of affairs, and all of them said "what took you so long" and "you have been living in a movie." Most of her former friends hate her because she manipulated them too. OF course she went after money in the divorce. I am so happy we did not have kids, a long story but she cannot. But I do wonder how I could have been fooled for so long. My wife is absolutely brilliant and one of the most effective sociopaths you can imagine. Truly scary.

That is too freaky, I am living that divorce and life right now. Two weeks ago I find out all the years of affair and can see the Devil in her eyes when she does it. The abandoning of me and our 4 kids two months ago has been a mystery. It starts to make sense and now I think I can finish this divorce and put up barriers to keep her out. No one has ever been able to understand her comments and thinking.
Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

oh, I thought it was me and my imagination until last year. I forgave her and thought she was repentant of her acts. Well she fooled me for 17 years. I always felt something was wrong but she hide it and lied with great skill
Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Wow. That is my 1st reaction, WOW!! I know that this was posted a while ago. It appears that he nor some people that replied here have been active on EP since. I just found & joined EP today. When I sift through and figure out what pieces of the HUNDREDS of stories during my absolutely bizarre marriage that went on for over 14 years I would like to share, I will do my best to post my story.

We have been apart for a year and a half now but I am still very much DUMBFOUNDED by the depths that I allowed myself to be affected by this man in absolutely every single aspect of my life. I not only just found this forum today, just yesterday I found out about the book he mentions here "The Sociopath Nextdoor". He also makes mention in a reply below about a term that, not only have I never heard before, I never even conceived the notion that anyone could or would do such a thing. The term he mentioned is "gas lighting". I went to Wiki as he suggested, read about it's meaning and could not stop crying for over a half an hour. It was a very cleansing type of crying.

Basically, the reason that I am posting here is to sincerely thank dukearthur2011 for taking the time to share his story and make the references he had. Like I had said, I am still today very much dumbfounded and have yet to recover from the marriage because I could not figure out exactly what the problem was. I really believe that once I can pinpoint the problem (which I am getting real close to doing) & figure out the hows and whys of what all was really in place I can seriously begin to heal. Thanks so much again :-)

P.S. I just just want to also mention that I truely believe that the gender of the victimizer is irrelevant.

I am too in divorce now, 2 months into it and cannot find answers I need. they are slowly coming and it is bringing huge pain and grief to me that is unmatched in my life. This woman destroyed me and warned me plenty.
The weirdest thing is she would tell me about a neat person that was always a man and how pleasant it was to meet nice people. I always felt very odd and confronted her. She would go off about m e not trusting her and said I had issues from my childhood. As the lights come on and my kids are telling me about mommy when I was deployed I see she told me about all the men she was having an affair with.
Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

Ok, this is too much. I just read about "gaslighting". Was that what her telling me about these men was, an attempt to confuse?

I've never posted on a board like this before. I'm not sure why I'm doing so now except your post, Duke, had so many similarities... I was with my wife from March 2000 until October 2010. She was cheating on me with my best friend and next door neighbor for about two years, in our home, while I was teaching. (During this time, we were going to counseling and she even went to a sex therapist, claiming she had low libido!) She got caught because my friend's wife found a text from her on his phone. That was August 2, 2010. Even after that, I tried to patch things up--until she came home from her therapist and told me her diagnosis: narcissistic sociopath. No feelings of guilt, remorse, nothing. We sat down and took several on-line tests together. The result was the same every time: severe sociopathy. I read and I read and I read about this disorder. After reading and in retrospect, I see now there were so many warning signs. She did not have any long-term friendships. No close friendships. Her two adult children had disowned her. She had no relationship with either of her two sisters. She discarded the woman who stood up for her at our wedding just because this woman didn't show up for a party. She was NEVER wrong. (I always agreed with her--big mistake.) She was immediately the "perfect person" for me because sociopaths always adjust their personalities to fit their next target. (I bought us a house within 6 months of meeting her.) I could go on but you all pretty much know the warning signs. After the news, I lost 30 pounds in 2 months--couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. I moved out in October 2010 and the divorce was finalized two months later. I had nightmares every night for about 7 months. Started pulling my head out of my *** after about a year. It's been two years now since she told me her diagnosis and I started figuring out what happened. It's been tough. I wonder now if I'll ever be the same again. I've met some really nice gals but I have no strong feelings for them. That really bothers me. I used to feel and now I don't. Any help? Ideas?

This is all making me sick. I wish I had read this earlier.

Thank you so much for the kind words....Believe or not today I'm getting e-mails and she is trying to negotiate with me. I think it's a little bit too late for this, she said in the e-mail that I knew the marriage was over for years and she only stood with me to try to nurse me back after the cancer. This is the type of animal that I have been dealing with all these years.

I was married for 21years and with her for 27 years we had numerous fights thru out the years. I found out she had a "boyfriend" at work 4 weeks ago and she has since moved out to a "summer" house we were buying down the jersey shore. In October of 2011 she told me in P.R. that she wanted to seperate and she was tired of taking care of everyone including the kids. I was floored and the roller coaster started. She went thru every stage of a cheating spouse and I never saw it my sister did but I was in denial. I went to a psyc doctor and she said that she was a sociopath and that blew my mind. I have been trying to hold this marriage together from the beginning knowing that there were numerous infidelities on her part. I thought it was me not knowing the diagnosis later on, she hits 18 of the 20 questio and my part she hit 18 of the 20 questions to detect a sociopath and who knows whatever i find out later. The lies have been the hardest I placed a voice-activated recorder in my car and heard everything that hurts the most, to hear how much she loved him and telling her sister how much she hates me.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru this. I know it's painful but it is best for you if she moves on to an easier victim and you can rebuild. She now has motivation to cooperate in divorce procedings, and you can use that to help you get out. I know it is not easy to see your spouse with someone else but at this point you know you would be happier, healthier and safer either single or with someone else who treats you better. I am languishing in nearly 20 years with a sociopathic husband, three years into a grueling divorce and I know we haven't even hit the really bad part yet. He has moved on to his next victim and it is shocking to people who know our situation but it still is hurtful - that said, he's pushing now and more motivated to finish this rather than just making it as miserable, stressful and painful to myself and our children as he could. He flat out said that was his intent, to ruin me in every way because I finally filed for a divorce. So my friend, rather than being put thru years of limbo and suffering, try to see a bright patch in that this unhealthy and destructive relationship might be over abd the suffering over faster than if you or she would have just filed. Hang in there. It will get better.

Wow i am floored that there are so many people having the same life as i am

I have been married to a sociopath for almost 7 years. when I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma she started to change. She was recently fired from a very easy job for non-complyance to rules and decided to do web cam modeling. On there she met a guy and within 3 or 4 days they have decided to move in together and today she is moving out, he is on his way to the house with a truck to collect her possessions. She was served with divorce papers last Saturday and showed absolutely no emotions. I am so thankful to get out of this, I hope the guy shows up.

What exactly do you mean by sociopath? I have heard that word thrown around alot. My ex is definately crazy and evil. We are divorced thank God-but she cheated on me several times (once in my own house) & manipulated me. She is a user-and manipulates her curent husband/uses him for money. I do not know if she has a personality disorder but I would be interested in learning the signs?

You should read the book I referenced because all the signs are in there. However, the clincher for me was when I read about a term called "gaslighting". Please look it up and think to yourself, "did I lose or misplace things easily during the relationship?". There was an incident which occurred in our old house a few years ago that made me think we had a ghost in the place. It's really something that was unreal, thungs being moved around the house an her asking me if I had moved them. It only occurred over a span of 2 weeks but it was something I will never forget. You can wiki the term.