I Am A Coward

I've already told my story here in the group about my being molested by my uncle. It's just a part of who I am now and most of the time I'm not bothered by it. I've learned to supress it I guess - just to not dwell on it. I can't change it so what good would fretting about it do? I suppose I could pretend it never happened....but it did, and I know it. It was over and done with more than 4 years ago and he's moved to another state so I never see him anymore. I've never told anyone in the real world, just here on EP. Today, for some reason, that fact is bothering me. I know why I never told. Cuz I am ashamed. Cuz I am a coward. I am afraid people wouldn't believe me. Afraid if people knew I would be rediculed, ostracized, laughed at, talked about behind my back. Afraid people would say I am a ****, that I wanted it.

But today I worry that because of my cowardice some other little girl might be going through it. Because I'm scared he is free to touch and lick some other 7, 8, or 9 year old. Is he doing something to her even worse than what he did to me? Does she wake up screaming from nightmares? Did my cowardice destroy some other happy innocent childs life? I know intellectually that none of it is my fault. But knowing something and believing it are two very very different things. Could I have stopped what happened to me just by telling? Could I have saved some other girl just by accepting my shame and baring my soul? Will I be able to live with myself if I find out it happened again? These are questions that have no answer, can never be answered.

I don't know why this is bothering me today. Something I saw or heard or read must have triggered these emotions. I never had been worried or thought about if he ever did it to anyone else before or after me. Thought processes are funny, sometimes you think or feel something and you can't figure out why.
KimmieDelta KimmieDelta
18-21, F
11 Responses Dec 4, 2012

Make an anonymous call to the sexual crimes unit of the police in his state and tell them they need to keep an eye out for that guy

You may find the web site www.sandf.org of help

You are so obviously not a coward....

You are not a coward. I pray you get peace, and don't have to relive those things that upset you

You were just a young girl yourself. He took advantage of the fact that and fully capable of rationalizing what you would do. He Knew you would probably be too confused to do anything. You're older now and fully capable of rationalizing what you would do. Its not your fault. I hope & pray that you heal with time.

don't share such things, keep it a secret

and I am happy that you are here since very beginning. I have been following this site since very beginning. If you want, could add me

You shouldn't feel ashamed or like a coward. You did nothing wrong. Stay strong and try to put it behind you

it is never too late to stop the filthy mongrel. this is so unlikely to be a one off thing for him.

That's terrible. The Statute of Limitations has not run out. Stop by the police station and talk to a detective. You may become a little girl's hero.

You're very strong, thanks for sharing

Sweetie, Don't blame yourself, you were not the perpetrator. If you can I would still report it, that way he will still have to face the responsibility of his actions, even it was 4 years ago. Good Luck, and I hope he can be brought to justice. Bernie.