Did He Or Didn't He?When I was young, I was molested... when I was older, I was raped, but not by the men who molested me as a child... by another set of people altogether... my cousin and my uncle... I think I have, for the most part, gotten over my childhood. I still have flashbacks and PTSD is a constant in my life, but - obviously - gets worse as I get more stressed or emotional. One day I will post those stories, but not today. Today, I use it as background info to explain Jesse.
Jesse is a guy I met at the bus station. We became friends. I told him I was gay. He met my girlfriend.He was just the kewl guy at the MTA that I bs-ed with as I waited for a bus. Then some **** happened and my GF and I broke up. I ended up staying with Jesse because he was the only person who would take me in. At first, I did sleep with him. I basically prostituted myself to have a roof over my head and I am not proud of this fact, but it is true. I didn't love him, not romantically. And how could I love, even as a friend, the guy who pressured me into sex so that I could stay there? It wasn't even his place. it was a hotel... and I paid half of the bill. Well, he started using drugs, and he robbed me. He stole about $600. I wanted to leave, but where was I gonna go? I had no place to stay. I'm on parole, and I didn't think that my PO would let me leave the county. I had called shelters, but to no avail. My Gf and I started talking again, and he really didn't care for that. I had already told him that i couldn't sleep with him... that I was not only a lesbian, but I was in love with someone else, Kelly. I told him that part of the reason i had been able to lower myself to that level, was because I had been raped and molested and that gave me the unique ability of being able to shut off my body, and my mind. To disconnect them. That another reason I was able to do it was because it made me feel cheap and worthless... and I wanted to feel that way because I had lost the love of my life, Kelly. After Kelly and i started talking again, he got very depressed. I hadn't told him, exactly, but he knew. He went out to a bar. I was gonna stay there and get plastered because before Kelly and I could even get back together, we argued. I ended up leaving the hotel, and walked downtown. Ended up at the rock concert that Jesse was at. He bought me a few drinks, and I drank them. Next thing I know I am waking up in the hotel, and i am not in the clothes that I had on when I went out. I accused him of raping me, he said he did, that we had sex and that I loved it. I was blacked out. I had not willingly had sex with him. I said it was rape and all of a sudden he said he was joking. I slapped him, he choked me. That went on for awhile. I ended up curled up in a ball... the next day I ran into Kelly on my way to work... we both ended up calling in, and we went to move me out of that place. She was so mad... that bastard had, most likely, raped me.
Yesterday (and this is months later) I ran into him at the MTA... he just walked up to me like it was nothing. Said he was curious about how I had been. Kelly didn't have much to say. Just that I had been wondering how he was doing. Slightly wrong, I had been wondering WHERE he WAS... because I did not want to run into him. I wanted him to be in hell, or at least, out of state. I was terrified. I was alone. And I had never felt more alone in my life.