Did He Or Didn't He?

When I was young, I was molested...  when I was older, I was raped, but not by the men who molested me as a child... by another set of people altogether... my cousin and my uncle... I think I have, for the most part, gotten over my childhood.  I still have flashbacks and PTSD is a constant in my life, but - obviously - gets worse as I get more stressed or emotional. One day I will post those stories, but not today. Today, I use it as background info to explain Jesse.

Jesse is a guy I met at the bus station. We became friends. I told him I was gay.  He met my girlfriend.He was just the kewl guy at the MTA that I bs-ed with as I waited for a bus.  Then some **** happened and my GF and I broke up. I ended up staying with Jesse because he was the only person who would take me in. At first, I did sleep with  him. I basically prostituted myself to have a roof over my head and I am not proud of this fact, but it is true. I didn't love him, not romantically. And how could I love, even as a friend, the guy who pressured me into sex so that I could stay there? It wasn't even his place. it was a hotel... and I paid half of the bill. Well, he started using drugs, and he robbed me. He stole about $600. I wanted to leave, but where was I gonna go? I had no place to stay. I'm on parole, and I didn't think that my PO would let me leave the county. I had called shelters, but to no avail. My Gf and I started talking again, and he really didn't care for that. I had already told him that i couldn't sleep with him... that I was not only a lesbian, but I was in love with someone else, Kelly. I told him that part of the reason i had been able to lower myself to that level, was because I had been raped and molested and that gave me the unique ability of being able to shut off my body, and my mind. To disconnect them. That another reason I was able to do it was because it made me feel cheap and worthless... and I wanted to feel that way because I had lost the love of my life, Kelly. After Kelly and i started talking again, he got very depressed. I hadn't told him, exactly, but he knew. He went out to a bar.  I was gonna stay there and get plastered because before Kelly and I could even get back together, we argued. I ended up leaving the hotel, and walked downtown. Ended up at the rock concert that Jesse was at. He bought me a few drinks, and I drank them. Next thing I know I am waking up in the hotel, and i am not in the clothes that I had on when I went out.  I accused him of raping me, he said he did, that we had sex and that I loved it. I was blacked out.  I had not willingly had sex with him.  I said it was rape and all of a sudden he said he was joking. I slapped him, he choked me. That went on for awhile.  I ended up curled up in a ball... the next day I ran into Kelly on my way to work... we both ended up calling in, and we went to move me out of that place. She was so mad... that bastard had, most likely, raped me.
Yesterday (and this is months later) I ran into him at the MTA... he just walked up to me like it was nothing. Said he was curious about how  I had been.  Kelly didn't have much to say. Just that I had been wondering how he was doing. Slightly wrong, I had been wondering WHERE he WAS... because I did not want to run into him.  I wanted him to be in hell, or at least, out of state.  I was terrified. I was alone. And  I had never felt more alone in my life.
TweetBird216 TweetBird216
26-30, F
4 Responses May 3, 2012

seriously kill him

um... no.... two wrongs do not make a right .. I learned that the hard way...

ya but the second wrong stops the first wrongdoer from hurting any1 else

all that would do is land me in prison... .perhaps he'd survive... and he'd be he "victim"... I'd feel bad for taking or trying to kill another person, and that would just be more **** for me to deal with ... revenge never feels good...


no... see above ...

damn.... I am really sorry to hear how this has taken place... one thing you said hit me hard, and rang and clearly for me.." because I had been raped and molested and that gave me the unique ability of being able to shut off my body, and my mind. To disconnect them" That is exactly how I feel, put I couldn't put it into words. My problem now is that I can't shut that off. When i'm having sex with someone and we do certain things, that light switch clicks, and I can't control it. I'm shutting myself down because of being sooo used to doing that with certain sex acts.

I was like that. For the longest time, I COULD NOT give oral to a man... I still haven't tried it, but after a lot of therapy, I am ready to try... after a lot of therapy, I am much better with the whole sex thing in general... there is hope for you.

yep.... after reading what you wrote, I feel a little easier saying this... that's how it is for me. Every man loves having oral done to them. The two people that molested me were both men. When a girl is going down on me now, I actually sometimes go soft. Don't get me wrong, I ~love~ the feeling of it, and everything that goes with it, but I can't stop the light switch. And do I ever wish I could *** from that, but I can't. Try explaining to a girl without going into detail that it isn't her.. it's me. At my age, if anything .. the guy pops too soon..lol. Even with intercourse, I won't have an ****** until I feel more comfortable with the girl. And then having to explain.. telling her that she's wonderful, and everytihg is fine.. it's just me

I understand that... I had a hard time explaining to guys why I would go down on a girl, but not a guy... why I gagged everytime I tried... "it's not you, it's not that I find the idea repulsive... " I never wanted to tell them that it was an automatic reflex... that I had been forced to do that as a child, and now I can't NOT gag... but I am willing to try with the guy that I am seeing now... we're not in a relationship, per se... we do have sex, we do care about one another, but we're leaving all the title **** alone... but he has been my friend for 15 years and above all I trust him... He knows a bit about my past, knows that I was raped and molested... he knew me when part of it was happening... and that makes it easier, because I know that if I do gag, he won't ask questions... he''ll just know why...

that is the plan

1 More Response

I'm so incredibly sorry that you've had to deal with that, and then have to run into him later on!! I had the same thing happen to me. I was molested as a child but later on when I was 18 I was raped by my friends Uncle. About a year later I was with her and she said she had to drop something off at his house (she does not know what happened). He ended up showing up. It was the most terrifying feeling in the world. I'm sure he did rape you. Why else would he have choked you and been so violent with you? I know you prostituted yourself but that does not in any way, shape or form make what he did okay. It tells alot about his character that he had no problem with sleeping with you in exchange for you living there. He took advantage of you when you were in an incredibly vulnerable state!! I'm so sorry this has happened. You did NOT deserve it. I hope you know that. Stay strong.

Thank you so much for your comment. I know that I did not deserve it, but it's hard when the person that I loved so much (my ex-girlfriend) acted like it was my fault. That is why she is an ex... well that among other things... like the abuse I suffered at her hands... I'm sorry that you had to run into your rapist... I know how that feels... but I truly think that we are stronger people for what we have endured.

thank you. I think I have made it.