My friendly neighbor...
Around age eight, the neighbors that lived behind us started showing up in our backyard. I was an only child, and had huge difficulties making friends, I was never a social butterfly. Well one of my neighbors that came to play was a about 16 years old. Now it seems off that a sixteen year old would like to play with younger children. His name was Randy…and I desperately wanted friends. My cousins could make them faster, but I really wanted someone’s attention I suppose. Now…this boy did some weird stuff before my molestation started, he bit my younger cousin, and ran through our house without permission. (I.E just walked in the house, and ran around looking at things)
I remember a few things about how this started, he would pull my hand and drag me into a wooded area beside my house just to touch me through my pants and shirt. He would always tell me to relax. One day he went a little further and actually put his hand down my pants. He basically told me that if I wanted to be his friend to accept it. I hated it…he tried showing me a few times but I refused. He tried to anally rape me one time…but thank god my body didn’t respond the way he wanted it to and I tensed up, completely stupid in not knowing what he was doing. This happened everyday. I would try to get out of it, such as “If I make it into my house before you can catch me, you can’t touch me”- Games like that to just get away…but honestly they never worked I was never fast enough to get away. I never told anyone, I assumed it was my fault and that I was a *****/**** because only those types of girls would let that happen to themselves. My family always taught me to tell if I was touched somewhere I wasn't suppose to be, but I never did I was to ashamed of myself...of what I let happen almost every single day.
I honestly had my self convinced that It was my fault. Not without his coaxing that I wanted it of course, and that It was MY FAULT for letting him. What was I suppose to do, I was scared and desperately wanted a friend at that age.
Until he went away for college I felt horrible everyday, then we he left I was relieved but I felt like I had done something wrong. I felt like a ***** and I still do somewhat to this day. I never told anyone until I was sixteen years old after a sexual harassment issue. (I never got an apology for that.) When I finally told my mother, she cried and I had this giant weight off my shoulders but it was to late to do anything about “Randy”.
Whenever I hear that name I cringe, and It’s one of those constant thoughts that go on in my head. I’m slightly afraid of guys, though I’m a tomboy I used to hang out with mainly all guys in the past. At my current age 18, I’ve suffered heartbreak (of course, it’s being a teenager.) I can hardly ever put full trust into them, and I feel horrible about it. I have the common symptoms of being molested. Over weight, attitude out bursts, and pretty much neutral to the world. I’ll cry about it sometimes when I hear about this happening to other children especially.
I know people have had it worse then me and probably HAVE, but honestly…It’s just one of those thoughts that won’t leave and makes me feel used and unwanted constantly. I’m still slightly embarrassed to talk about it, especially when they ask “Why’d you let it happen?”- What am I suppose to say?