No-one To Talk To . . .

Please bear with me, I'm emotional from reading all your sad stories, but they gave me courage to write my own. I am 20 years old, and have only ever told my closest friend/my partner and he just doesn't really know what to say back to me. My mother had a pretty shocking childhood, because her mother (my grandmother) made terrible choices in men that would do damage to the family and then leave. I think my mum had around 5 step - fathers over time. I found out by little passing remarks by family members and have also seen it written that she was molested from about 8 years old to 13 years old. Unfortunately she was not strong enough to break the cycle of abuse and molested me throughout my childhood (it stopped when I became a teen). I had a habit of always falling asleep in the car after parties/concerts etc, and would be carried into the house and put to bed. I woke up during getting carried once but pretended to be still asleep (I have no idea why). My mum took me to my room and did things that confused, scared and made me the shaky, unstable, suicidal person I am today. This happened countless times while I pretended to be asleep (I would genuinely be asleep at first, but as a child, didn't know how what to say if I showed her I was awake. I now can never help her with getting over her demons (I know they still affect her) because she has ruined me as well. At the same time, I was also being molested by a close family friend (about 40 to 50 years older than I was) who would take me out "driving" where I would sit on his lap and steer while he used the footpedals, and eventually his hands on me. I will never ever forget our conversation when he first did it, for as long as I live. He placed his hands where my breasts would be if I had any (being pre-pubesent) and asked me "if i mind". I answered "of course not" even though all I wanted to do was get out of the car and run till no-one could find me. I have no idea why I answered this, it makes me feel like I gave him permission. Does anyone have any similar stories that could help me shed light on reasons, and if I should do anything? I would for someone to talk to me about this.
kodos kodos
18-21
2 Responses Jul 15, 2010

Reading your story... You're not alone! The way I see it... The most important thing is to break the cycle. If you want to talk I'll be happy to!

You did not ask for any of it! You were a child, who was suppose to be protected...none of it was ur fault! I am so sorry you had to go through any of this! I promise u are not alone! Send me a msg if ud like to tlk...