I Think It Explains A Lot

When I was ten years old I was molested by my math tutor. It went on until I was 15. I felt like there was nothing I could do. The guy was real smart about it. He got on my family's good side and acted all Christian and goody two shoes, and pretty soon he started moving in on my mom and they started dating and eventually got engaged. All the while he was still molesting me. I felt trapped, my mom didn't understand why I hated him so much and if I told her I figured she wouldn't believe me he was the first guy my mom had had feelings for and dated since she and my dad divorced after I was born. I figured it was just something I would have to deal with until I was old enough to make it on my own.

One day though my mom was picking through my room when I wasn't home, and found somethings. She found pot, cigarettes, and my journals. Of course she read them my mom has never given me any kind of respect towards my privacy. These were journals that I've kept since I was ten when all of this started happening. So there was basically a log of every time it happened and even details written about what had happened. I have to admit I was a little relieved because I felt like I wouldn't have to say anything that it could all be over now. The most painful part of that was that my mom didn't believe me even after reading all of that and after hearing me say it myself. I felt sick afterwards. I couldn't believe my mom would choose him over me, and that she couldn't believe written evidence. That she would think I would make all of that up just to sabotage her chance at happiness. I hated her after that. It hurt so bad because I lived with her and every time she would go out with him she would ask me if it was ok if she went. Like I had any say at all. Finally she confronted him about it and of course his reply was "I never touched her." Even though I knew this is what he would say if anyone was to ever ask him about it, it still left me in shock. I couldn't believe he could deny it.

I like to think I've gotten over it, I can at least have some kind of sense of humor about it and it doesn't keep me up at night anymore. But I think its caused me to have more problems growing up. Especially because this wasn't a guy who would just molest me and then leave me alone. He would always say things like "You need to lose some weight." Even though I wasn't fat. Or "I love you so much." Even though he could care less. It's caused me to have weight issues and has made it hard for me to trust people fully. I always feel like people want something from me, and I have poor self image I don't think I'm attractive even though people tell me all the time how attractive they think I am, I just can't see it no matter how hard I look.

I've never been able to tell people that I'm close to about it. I'm afraid it would raise too many questions. Like "is that why you're gay?" I had someone ask me that once and I was a little shocked and offended to be asked such a thing. I can see how they would think that. I am not a man hater by any means, I don't think all men are like he was. If feels good to write all of this down even though I'm sure no one will really read it, it feels good to know its out there.
explainit2me explainit2me
26-30, F
6 Responses Jul 23, 2010

You are beautiful inside and out..a shining example of a survivor.

I think your mom knew very well what was going on. She was just too gutless to handle livin alone anymore. This is why being a martyr doesn't work, sooner or later it breaks your spirit. I also think that this world is a very sad place right now.<br />
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I also think people in general suck. But I'm not sure how much is their fault.<br />
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And if i ever get daughters I am teaching them how to use shotguns. But I will not let them keep the shotguns b/c I think girls are nuts.

At least you seem well grounded after what you've been through. Keep your chin up you seem like a strong person. I can't believe your mom reacted that way but she must have been to weak to face the truth.

Of course some people will read it. You're a brave lady :)

I'm so sorry that happened to you, especially the way your mother reacted about it.

Bless you. I read what you had to say and its utterly awful that these things happened to you and your mother never supported you like she should have done. Just wanted to say that actually, writing things down is one of the best therapies for getting things off your chest and not letting them eat you up inside. My councellor taught me this technique and i use it regularly. It helps get it out without upsetting others in the process, just like you tried to protect your mom from it by writing it in your journal. Ive never told my mother what happened to me because i cant face the hurt( or possible denial) she may have. It only builds up if you ignore your feelings. It nearly destroyed my marriage and my childrens life at one point but Im slowly working on dealing with things properly. Keep on doing what obviously works for you sweety. tc x

My story is exactly like this my mom totally ignored the pain I was going through n im still going through cuz I've moved out n im still hurting still struggling with the pain I feel in my chest when I read articles relating to abuse n molestation

But just know u r not alone n we all just have to be strong n trust that life will work out the best possible way for us