I Can't Forget

It started when I was really young at 4 years old. My brother would put his hands down my pants and fondle me. Then tell me to do the same to him. I didn't like it. This would happen the nights when my parents left to go out to the casino (they went almost every night). When I was around 8 years old I told my mother what he was doing. 
And she told me that he wasn't doing those things to me and I was lying.. After that I felt like no one was there for me, I wanted to kill myself. This continued for many more years. He would touch me while I was sleeping, I would wake up and yell at him. He would get mad at me when I refused to let him touch me. And sometimes I would have to literally fight him off. 
He finally stopped bothering me when I was 13 years old. And the only reason why he stopped was because I started my period. From 4 to 13, thats 9 years of my life that I wish I could change. I had to be the one to make him stop. I was just a kid and I wanted my mother to be there for me. But she did favor him over me, maybe thats why she didn't care. 
Now both my mother and my brother pretend as if it never happened. But I just can't stop thinking about it.  I don't hate them but I definitly don't love or like them in any way. Its unforgivable to me. You just don't ignore your child's cry for help like that. I just keep my distance and don't really try to keep in touch with them.
 Because I feel like they never really cared about me. I'm 20 years ol now and I'd rather visit my close friends. Its a shame, but I feel as if my friends love me more than they do. I'm glad I found this site. If no one ever reads this or give me any advice on this, at least I got a chance to express how I feel about what happened to me.
modestbeauti modestbeauti
18-21, F
4 Responses Jul 24, 2010

WOW

Your experience is sad but probably happens more than most know.<br />
Hope you heal soon from this wound and if you near a friend you can message

I try to love myself. No one else is going to love me if I don't first love myself, right? Thanks for the advice.... Every little bit helps

That was not fair to you and I am so sorry about that. I wish we did all have time machines but we don't and I can't tell you how to deal with it cause I am not dealing with mine very well. I just came out to my family about 4 or 5 years ago and i think it has affected my family and myself tremendously. The things I wish I could change and I can't it affects my everyday life. I can't function around men who think I'm attractive. I think it has affected me in many more ways than one, but thank you for sharing because I know how difficult it can be and I wish the best of luck and remember to love yourself.