I Just Remembered Yesterday...

I'm a 30 year old woman, and I'm extremely distressed. My mother and her siblings were severely physically and sexually abused by their father for about a decade when they were growing up. My mother, I guess she repressed these memories until recently, shortly before her father's death. When I was about 8 years old, she and my father took myself and my brother to meet and stay with my grandfather for the first and last time- a memory which has always been very spotty for me. 
Yesterday, I was thinking about the trip we had taken to meet him and I had a flash of memory of my grandfather standing over my bed. As soon as I had this memory, I went into a full blown panic attack and threw up. I can't get this memory out of my head, and I just feel sick. 
If I was molested, I think it explains a lot about my emotional and mental health since then - I became a sexual person around the age of nine, and also became severely depressed and anxious around the same time, which has lasted until presently. Is it possible I repressed this memory? I feel like I'm going crazy, I don't know how to deal with this and I don't want to remember anything else. 
I've been in therapy off and on since I was a kid, and I've never come to this memory before, or even any inkling that my grandfather did anything to me. I am coincidentally beginning therapy again in a month, but how do I deal with this in the meantime? 
Airkitty Airkitty
26-30
2 Responses Aug 8, 2010

I have a similar expereince. I have always had anxiety and depression and felt soemthing was seriously wrong with me. that something happened to me. Please read my story/

i was 9 and it was my brother not my grandfather but i have experienced the same thing. it wasnt until i had nightmares of this occasion that i remembered. i am now studying to be a clinical psychologist and have learned that this is completely normal..many people can surpress memories whether or not they want to. and there are certain triggers that can cause there memories to surface. How to deal with it? well for me, i try to do things that make me feel empowered. Hopefully the same can work for you. This is something that happened and that you cannot change, so the best way is to remain in therapy and talk to someone but also to take time for yourself and go to the beach or take a walk and heal. This will never be an easy feat but you did not cause this and he will never hurt you again. You are a strong person and you need people in your life who make you feel that way.