But I Can't Remember.A few months ago, I fell ill with what appeared to be the development of epilepsy. I was twitching uncontrollably for periods of at least a half an hour a day, several times a day. These episodes would leave me weakened to the point where I couldn't walk or move for around an hour or two following the twitching. The doctors found nothing, and all they could say was "It's anxiety." However, as far as I was concerned, I had nothing to be anxious about. I was doing well in school, in my job, and I was generally loving my life, until these episodes and some other symptoms caused me to drop out of school and quit working.
Sitting in a doctor's office one day, my mom said something that struck a chord, and it changed my life forever. I told her about when I was really little, about three years old, I remembered watching "Hellraiser" and "Phantasm" with my grandpa at his house. My grandpa was really my grandma's husband that she married when I was around one or two years old. My mom said "At that age, I highly doubt it. You hardly even went over there."
I was always under the impression that I had practically lived there, so this statement alone made no sense to me. And I remembered a conversation I had with the neighbor girl at my grandparents' house when I was about six. I asked the other little girl if she wanted to come over my grandma's again, and she said that she wasn't allowed because of what my grandpa did. In the memory, I just said "Ok." and that was that. I also remembered that there was a big reunion with my grandparents at some point, and I remembered not being allowed over there for a period of time.
This memory was eating at me for about a week before I mentioned it to my mom. All I had to do was ask her "Mom, was there ever a time when I wasn't allowed over grandma's?" And she told me everything.
I had started wetting the bed around age 5, and I told her some time afterwards that my grandpa was touching me like she said no one was supposed to. Children Protective Services were called in and everything, and they told my mom that I was a very credible child, and to believe anything I told her. I wasn't allowed to see my grandparents for a while, but eventually I was allowed back over there again, on the condition that we'd never be alone together, and that since he had gotten caught, he wouldn't do it again. Unfortunately, my family didn't understand how child predators work, and I spent a lot of time alone with him, and the abuse continued.
The only other thing I remembered at the time was wetting the bed again consistently when I was 8 or 9, but only when staying at my grandma's house. I begged her not to tell my mom, and she never did. If she had, my mom would have known what was going on, and that would have been the end of my relationship with my grandparents.
I have had a couple of hazy memories that lead me to believe that the molestation went on for several years, just because of some of the details that I recall. The problem is, since I have forced this all so deep into my memory, I don't remember how bad it really got. And that terrifies me.
On top of this discovery, the worst part of it all for me was that the family brushed it under the rug, and allowed me to develop an extremely close relationship with him, into my adulthood. He was my favorite relative, and I spent more time with him than anyone else, but I never knew that anything bad had happened between us. My family knew everything and didn't acknowledge it.
The seizures stopped immediately after I found out this secret. They were physical manifestations of my repressed memories trying to come to the surface. Now I'm 20, and in my mind, my "grandpa", who I now just refer to as George, is dead. However, I am constantly reminded of his presence, because my grandma chose to stay with him after I told her that he abused me for several years. She said that he has never done anything bad to HER, and he treats HER like a queen, so she can't leave him, no matter how bad of a person he was to me.
Also, my grandma babysits my three small cousins on a daily basis, ages 5 and under, one girl and two boys. And he is still an active part in their lives. Their parents don't seem to care that he is a threat to them, and it tears me apart. The thought of him putting his hands on those small children makes my stomach churn, and I think it has already happened with the oldest one. However, my therapist says there is nothing I can do to help their situation, because their parents chose not to act after hearing my experience.
I dream about that man every single night, and the fact that I know there are countless photos of the two of us smiling together in photo albums in my house haunts me. I can't escape from him without completely cutting out all of my family who is tied to him, and I can't bear to leave my little cousins.
My whole life has changed since finding out the truth a couple of months ago, and I know that things will never get back to normal with my family. All I have are these terrible dreams and two or three hazy memories to show the damage that was done to me over the course of years, and I just wish I could know everything that happened. I've thought seriously about trying hypnotism to bring all of these memories to the surface, but I am afraid that my body might not be able to handle it.
Apologies for such a long story, but it's pretty complicated. Is anyone else in a similar situation?