But I Can't Remember.

A few months ago, I fell ill with what appeared to be the development of epilepsy. I was twitching uncontrollably for periods of at least a half an hour a day, several times a day. These episodes would leave me weakened to the point where I couldn't walk or move for around an hour or two following the twitching. The doctors found nothing, and all they could say was "It's anxiety." However, as far as I was concerned, I had nothing to be anxious about. I was doing well in school, in my job, and I was generally loving my life, until these episodes and some other symptoms caused me to drop out of school and quit working.

Sitting in a doctor's office one day, my mom said something that struck a chord, and it changed my life forever. I told her about when I was really little, about three years old, I remembered watching "Hellraiser" and "Phantasm" with my grandpa at his house. My grandpa was really my grandma's husband that she married when I was around one or two years old. My mom said "At that age, I highly doubt it. You hardly even went over there."

I was always under the impression that I had practically lived there, so this statement alone made no sense to me. And I remembered a conversation I had with the neighbor girl at my grandparents' house when I was about six. I asked the other little girl if she wanted to come over my grandma's again, and she said that she wasn't allowed because of what my grandpa did. In the memory, I just said "Ok." and that was that. I also remembered that there was a big reunion with my grandparents at some point, and I remembered not being allowed over there for a period of time.

This memory was eating at me for about a week before I mentioned it to my mom. All I had to do was ask her "Mom, was there ever a time when I wasn't allowed over grandma's?" And she told me everything.

I had started wetting the bed around age 5, and I told her some time afterwards that my grandpa was touching me like she said no one was supposed to. Children Protective Services were called in and everything, and they told my mom that I was a very credible child, and to believe anything I told her. I wasn't allowed to see my grandparents for a while, but eventually I was allowed back over there again, on the condition that we'd never be alone together, and that since he had gotten caught, he wouldn't do it again. Unfortunately, my family didn't understand how child predators work, and I spent a lot of time alone with him, and the abuse continued.

The only other thing I remembered at the time was wetting the bed again consistently when I was 8 or 9, but only when staying at my grandma's house. I begged her not to tell my mom, and she never did. If she had, my mom would have known what was going on, and that would have been the end of my relationship with my grandparents.

I have had a couple of hazy memories that lead me to believe that the molestation went on for several years, just because of some of the details that I recall. The problem is, since I have forced this all so deep into my memory, I don't remember how bad it really got. And that terrifies me.

On top of this discovery, the worst part of it all for me was that the family brushed it under the rug, and allowed me to develop an extremely close relationship with him, into my adulthood. He was my favorite relative, and I spent more time with him than anyone else, but I never knew that anything bad had happened between us. My family knew everything and didn't acknowledge it.

The seizures stopped immediately after I found out this secret. They were physical manifestations of my repressed memories trying to come to the surface. Now I'm 20, and in my mind, my "grandpa", who I now just refer to as George, is dead. However, I am constantly reminded of his presence, because my grandma chose to stay with him after I told her that he abused me for several years. She said that he has never done anything bad to HER, and he treats HER like a queen, so she can't leave him, no matter how bad of a person he was to me.

Also, my grandma babysits my three small cousins on a daily basis, ages 5 and under, one girl and two boys. And he is still an active part in their lives. Their parents don't seem to care that he is a threat to them, and it tears me apart. The thought of him putting his hands on those small children makes my stomach churn, and I think it has already happened with the oldest one. However, my therapist says there is nothing I can do to help their situation, because their parents chose not to act after hearing my experience.

I dream about that man every single night, and the fact that I know there are countless photos of the two of us smiling together in photo albums in my house haunts me. I can't escape from him without completely cutting out all of my family who is tied to him, and I can't bear to leave my little cousins.

My whole life has changed since finding out the truth a couple of months ago, and I know that things will never get back to normal with my family. All I have are these terrible dreams and two or three hazy memories to show the damage that was done to me over the course of years, and I just wish I could know everything that happened. I've thought seriously about trying hypnotism to bring all of these memories to the surface, but I am afraid that my body might not be able to handle it.

Apologies for such a long story, but it's pretty complicated. Is anyone else in a similar situation?
timburtonrox11 timburtonrox11
18-21, F
20 Responses Jan 30, 2011

I am going to be 54 this year and am just realizing the extent of my denial. My mom and her sisters were molested and raped by their father when they were little after my grandma died. They never told me or my two sisters. He went to a menal institution because back in the 50s I guess that is what they did. I dont know how long he stayed there but I have a memory when I was 6 or so of him. Nothing before this I just know I loved him and he was my grandpa. But my parents began leaving us with him at some point whenhe was older. My parents would leave and he would immediately say ok lets play hide and seek and he would close all the blinds in this big old victorian house where he lived. And he would tell me I had to find him and my two younger sisters. I remember creeping around and eventually finding them in a closet or somewhere with my sisters on his knees. Later on one of my sisters, after he died told my father my grandpa molested her. None of us had any idea the horrors my mom or aunts had experienced but when my sister came out with this my mom said she was lying. My dad was ferious because he did know and my aunt told mom to stop calling my sister a liar because they all knew the truth. Now my younger sister tells me things he did as her memory is vague but it happened to her also and has left scars. She says I am not exempt to this and that it more than likely happened to me also. I dont remember what happened when it was my turn in the closet. For the life of me I cant remember anything. My sister told me that when she was older it still continued and he would cry and say please dont tell or I they will send me back to that place. She unfortuately kept her silence until he was dead! I have had all sorts of problems and sexual hangups and knew about sex far to young and my mother that had been molested would punish me badly if I did anything sexual when I was little. I was very sexual even at 5 and that seems wrong. I think it happened to me but my whole life I have told myself that it happened to everyone else and not me because I dont remember. Now I feel very confused and sick and frightened just considering that I have been wrong my whole life and how could I have been so lucky and everyone else around me not. I started having severe anxiety attacks 20 years ago for no good reason. If I wake on the dark I completely become hysterical. This started 30 years ago. I have been treating it with meds but am sick of worrying about when it will happen. How can you heal from something that you dont remember?

I don't know if it's the same but i'd really like your opinion based on what you feel...

I have BIG trouble remembering my childhood, like I can't remember anything before I was 8. My parents were always working I was either at school or with a nanny.

I also have no Idea in which age I've come to be conscious about sex, it's like I've know about it forever.

I've always been VERY anxious to the point of getting small convulsions and fainting when it gets to a peak. The convulsions are rare but they happen, since I am anxious almost always.

I also feel pain when I have sex. Gynecologists say there's nothing wrong with my body.
One once recommended me an hypnosis session looking at me with a pity face after an acupuncture session.

I am always afraid of this stuff.

I won't take your opinion as a professional one, I just wanna know what you think...

I found out a couple years ago, sometime around the age of 16, that my older step brother molested me when I was 4. My parents were divorced but I lived with my dad and step mom. They did absolutely nothing but insist I was lying and that my mom told me to say those things. My mom is, and always has been, the most genuine human being I know. I know my dad is wrong about those accusations against my mom because she's the one who told me this had happened. And when she finally told me I could see how much pain it caused her. She told me my other brother confirmed what I had said when I was 4 years old, that our step brother had molested me. I was taken to see a therapist because it was taken to court by my mom. My older step brother also went to therapy. In the end they couldn't tell if what I was saying was true or not because of how young I was. But I have hazy memories like you describe that make it very real in my mind. The worst part is that I don't know how long it went on for because we continued to stay living in the same house together for another 10 years or so.

i am. your story makes me feel ill. i have hazy, scary half memories that I can't quite remember completely, but I know something bad happened. I can remember how I felt, with my step-grandpa that afternoon in the backyard, that evening in the basement. even though my parents knew what he was, what he had done to my own mom, they didn't keep me away from him. they didn't do anything. and now i'm a broken, ****** up shell, trying to mend the pieces so I don't ruin my own daughter.

your story so echoes my own it's scary.

Contradicting yourself. In a paragraph you say he is now dead, then the very next paragraph you say your grandma's is now caring for your three cousins, and that he is still around them to this day...

Add a response...

I was molested as a child by my older brother and wasn't told until I was 17. To this day I still spend at least one weekend a month with him and he's the only family member I trust. He was molested by our older relative and then he did it to me and my other brother. The problem is we never found out who did it to him and now he has two sons and I'm worried now if the one who did it to him gets his hands on them. I've been looking up all I can on the subject and there is nothing I can find that relates directly to this type of situation. We have considered going to someone to hypnotize us so we can find out what happened but we don't exactly want to remember.

My situation is a bit different. I remember going to counseling and being removed from the home. Then a short time later, I remember going back to my grandfather's house and sitting across from him and my grandmother with him telling me that my accusations were nothing more than a dream. My whole life, I have believed of things that have occurred between him and I until I was five. Because the doctors said so (to my mother) and my mother claimed similar things happened to her. But now, all I can remember is the counseling and the moment across the table from him.

Growing up, after I was brought back into his world, if I ever did wrong (as any kid does), I would have my choice to call him and tell him the err of my ways or take a spanking with the belt from my step dad. Needing assurance that my grandfather was proud of me, I always chose the belt. Strange, I know, that I needed someone's approval that was supposed to be my "monster".

My grandfather is now ill, and on his death bed, some 25 years later. A family secret only a few are privy too. I am not sure how to feel. If it wasn't for him, I would not have had the classical musical training or the private school. I would not have had the installation of God put into me (even though he is now an atheist). This has brought me so much confusion. I know I am supposed to be relieved that my monster is ill. But really, I am numb. I do not know how to feel. I am 30 years old, and I am not sure if any of this was real. If it wasn't real, then why do I remember these things so vividly and feeling so scared? If it was real, then why do I not even have the slightest memory of any of the events that lasted for the first five years of my life?

Hi I'm like 2 years late lol but I'm going through something similar.. I have had anxiety all my life but I started getting panic attacks when I went off to college, apparently due to a professor that was harassing me. I have also had this recovering flashback type of thing since I was in my teens (see story) that I always brushed off as an anxiety dream, but now I accept that it really happened. I was talking to a friend when a few more memories surfaced, along with a panic attack, and I have since forgotten. I plan on working on this with my therapist once exams are over. Just thought I'd share. How are you now?

Why not make an anonymous call to child protective services, this is sick and those children need protecting.. I would take pleasure in exposing this dysfunctional, degrading, perverted behavior.Maybe you can check to see where the rape crisis centres are where you can get support.I would pull in your resources first, seek a support group, and then maybe make the call that way you have the necessary support to back you up and be there for you no matter what. Remember you're not as powerless as you feel, you are more in control then what you might have been believing and your family should never have ignored your safety, you are worth way more.You are an adult now and have your whole life ahead of you. I hope you take it back from all of them and start following your heart. It might help to start telling yourself that nothing is going to hold you back, it is your life and you will make the decisions.You don;t have to live under their beliefs and dysfunctions, you don't have to hush,hush and be the good little girl who keeps their precious little secret. You can move on and take care of you, I would forgive them because when you don't it's like they still own a little part of you so let go, forgive and remember forgiveness never means it was ok what they did it means your going to let God be the judge and oh he will judge them.. You have so many years ahead of you, you will recover, just let yourself heal and remember to love yourself. I myself come from molestation that others remember but I don't, along with other times being fondled that I do remember and rapes, I became an alcoholic and drug addict all before I was 25 yrs. At the age of 25 I got help and never went back,I spent time healing, changing my world. I now have 4 children and got a lot of my healing from sometimes therapy but mostly educating myself on these issues, I've read lots on this topic and codependency, learning what type of dysfunction I grew up with it helped a lot and using my voice when I need to and it makes me feel like it can't hold me back from life anymore.When I am angry I put it to good use, I write to my member of parliament, or those who can make a difference in my community and ask them what they are doing about the issues that are important to me in my community like women's issues, or I educate others on these issues that not many like to talk about, I educate my children, and anyone who will listen and I don't stop...That's how I take back my power.. Sounds like you are already on your way by posting what you have here, and look at all the people you have attracted that are in pain and hurting over the same issues whether it is women or men. It's time to say no more we are not weak, or just mere victims who remain helpless, when you are finished your time of rest to overcome the pain which is very important, you could easily find ways to take back what was taken from you in amazing constructive ways that is healthy, and useful .. just use your imagination there are rape relief centres or women shelters or who knows you have a whole big world out there to change or not the most important thing here is you have the choice!!! :)

The fact that it happened to a girl like you with so much to do in life and a girl of such beauty and intellect a perfect human being makes me sorrow <br />
<br />
May god bless you

Please, please, please press charges against George so he is locked up and can not hurt those little cousins of yours.

I am away at school, so I am living here in Pennsylvania in an apartment. But let me tell you something, here's the good thing about therapists. Your brother would never know that you told the therapist, because they are sworn to confidentiality agreements. You can also talk to him/her about your living situation and how you are afraid. There might be something he/she can suggest to you. I hope you find a way out sooner than later. If later, keep in mind, if you go away to school, you will be out of there in less than a year.

just wondering now that youre 20 where are you living now? im only 17 and i cant bare to be near my family because my brother was molesting me for 7 years of my childhood, until i was old enough to finally threaten to have him arrested, but i really want to tell my therapist, and i know he will try to kill me. I have no where else to live and i dont know what will happen :(

I don't know if I'v been sexually abused by my step dad or not, first let me start off by saying that I moved out of my mom's house about 2 months ago because she was cheating on my stepdad and she is a raging acoholic. Since I've moved out of my mom's house my step dads been very wierd to me, he wont talk to me and he looks as if he's worried about something. I was the kid who always played "doctor" with friends girl/boy in the neiborhood and I pretty much always have sex dreams ( lol but I'm 14 not abnormal i guess) But I'll never forget what my mom said to me one night. My mom was drunk and she was talking about leaving my step dad and she said she was going to go up to him and say "I'm leaving you because you touched my daughter." She laughed after she said that and that deeply disturbed me. Mostly because I'v had dreams of my stepdad taking me into his room and raping me, but also because I can't really remember anything till the age of 10. It kind of scares me because I feel really ****** in life right now and I just cant seem to win. lol I need help but I'm scared to ask my theripist because she's my stepmom's theripist too and I just don't want my dad and stepmom knowing... I've only been seeing a theripist for 2 months now.

Ohhh myy ur story hits home for me. I remember some things I remember it hurting down there I remember him over me and I remember stuffing my undies in back of a closet when I was 7 I remember later getting rid of them way down in a garbage bag. I remember y I was left with him but the rest of the memories I have repressed I can't tell u y how y he stopped when it all started I was recently told that something happened when I was 3 but I don't remember it I can tell u that I had supposedly gotten my period when I was a baby it was in my diaper blood. The doctors said that I had lots of stress and hormones then when I was 9 I got it again for short time cause I bled for a short time then again at 11 which that was my actual period but when I was 11 I went blind in one eye doctors did ekg and catscans and didn't find the reason but said it was stress. I was blind in that eye for half a year then the site came back and for a year I has focusing issues so it was hard to fit me for glasses but after a little bit of time I couldn't use them anyways Nowww I am now 38 yrs old and to this day I can't remember a whole lot about what happened to me some stuff vivid and other stuff nothing lots of questioning to myself many times I would sit thinking really hard to myself about what I do remember hoping that I would just all of a sudden remember well one night I sat there thinking really hard and I remembered something had to of and I ended up curled in a ball on my bed crying and I can't remember what it was that I had remembered and now I just try not to think that hard about what happened cause if my brain doesn't want me to know then I'm not forcing me to speak up i hope that doesn't sound c r a z y ... our bodies let us know something is wrong like u finding out with the seizure like episodes. Think about it maybe deep inside ur brain u knew u couldn't leave ur little cousins with him aka monster and u rationally didn't know why cause u loved him but ur body was fighting ur brain. Ur brain wanted to save ur cousins but also wanted to save u from finding out. I know that sounds c r a z y too. But its how I think about it or else I would remember too. But I don't. And what I do remember I wish I didnt. Get it out even to a friend or therapist the more u talk about it the better u might feel I think my monster was convicted did his 7 years and was released and came back to town. He comes into my job every once in a while and I feel like I'm hiding from the mob. I duck and run to the bathroom so he doesn't see me. Y he would come right back to same town is beyond me. But anyways I just wanted u to know ur not alone and I know its like 8 months after u posted ur story but I though maybe u would like to hear that one more person is in sharing ur story. I will be writing my story soon just haven't yet hugs to u and tyyy for sharing ur story

I think I was molested at a daycare center that I was forced to go to. I remember hating that place and crying everyday not to go but my mom made me stay there, I guess because it was cheap. I don't know if I was molested but the things I think about and feel, are similar to someone who has been molested. I would like to get hypnotism as well.

Sounds like your grandma is simply looking out for #1, I guess she doesn't believe she would be able to find another man, period. If creepy George would mess with you even after being caught and confronted, then there is a good chance you would be right with reference to him being a risk to your young kindren. If their parents have been warned, then you've done your part well. You can't reasonably be expected to monitor the parents and their children and creepy George and you shouldn't impose that duty on yourself; in fact, there is a chance that they would all resent you if you did. Here's a story for you: When my father was old and dying of cancer, an elderly priest came to see him. No one knew anything about the priest but we soon found out, my father and I. He was a lecherous old queer; he kept leering at me, and it was especially inappropriate to the point of being disturbing given the occasion. My father found it unreal, like it was a bizarre dream, when the priest began to imitate the local dialect of the region my father came from. The priest mentioned that he used to work with youth there when he was a bit younger. Now that is a lecherous old priest who couldn't take his eyes off of me and I look like the people from that part of the country where this priest was working with youth awhile back. No one threw him out of the house, which is unfortunate because I should have.

No need to apologize. My story is longer. I actually have the opposite problem. I am well aware of everything that has happened to me, and I choose not to say anything.

Although not quiet the same I know how you feel.<br />
fortunately for me my attacker is deceased.<br />
I finally feel released, although I still feel guilty for not bringing it up earlier to save any other children he may have touched, or "wrestled" with.<br />
Your life has changed, you have been placed back in control.<br />
Enjoy it, and let "george" know if he does hurt those kids you will ruin him.<br />
It only takes a phone call, and one of the kids to speak up and he will be where he belongs.<br />
You are in control now, its where you need to be to heal.<br />
Do as you think you should.