Lost Little Girl

One of my first memories was at age 5 .  He put a pillow over my face and my clothes were ******** off.  He was performing oral sex on me.  I guess I was vocal while this occured because of the pillow on my face.  My dad told my brother (who was 16 at the time) to take me to the community pool in his car because It was about 15 minutes away.  We never went swimming.  Instead he drove by the pool and said "we are not gonna swim".  He took me back home.  My dad went back to work and he and I were the only ones home. He started to stare at me and I remember being on the bed naked.  He was 69 with me.  He was having oral sex and I was on top performing oral sex on him.  I remember the nasty taste and I was getting hair in my mouth.  By now you should know the molester was my older brother.  I  used to have nightmares alot when I was little. I had severe identity problems all through childhood.  I never told anyone until I was 18.  I told  a friend and she told my brother's wife, my sister in law.  At the time my brother had me move into his house because of problems living with my parents.  I confronted my brother finally before I left to go back home, because he was yelling at me for not finding a job.  I said to him "you molested me!"  His response was "I didn't stick my penis in"  I left.  I was so confused.  By this time my so called friend who was my sisiter in laws sister that I told about this told my brother's wife and she confronted me yelling at me and saying "look what you did to him"!   I looked stupid because of my actions so she didn't believe me.  I told my mom and dad but noone wanted to believe me,  I was addicted to drugs at this time of my life and was still close to my brother.  I'm 36 now and never really will be close to him again.  Sounds stupid doesn't it? He still comes around and I still talk to him and his wife but deep down I think he is a creepy *******,  Although I never talk about it to my family I still have flashbacks and think about it alot.  I want to tell my therapist but I don't know if It was wrong.  I close my legs when I think about it.  I want closure.  One time he did attend a counselor with me and he cried and said he was sorry.  I have trouble with boyfriends and I don't like sex very much.  He stole my innocense.  I used to ********** alot after this happened.  I wonder if he did this before I remember at younger than five.  He was mean to me too.  He was the boss.  I was very promiscuous for years.  I don't know  anymore.  It's very sad to me. 
melissa7478 melissa7478
36-40, F
1 Response Aug 3, 2011

Once again. The abused keep getting abused. Why can't parents see that this is and was so very wrong and not our fault. Why? I don't get it. So sorry for your story and hang in there. Thanks for sharing.