My Stepfather

My parents split when i was just a little baby. when i was about 3 years old, my mom met a guy and he started staying with us. I still remember the first time he ever touched me. i was 4, we were all laying in my mom's bed and she got up to go answer a phone call. i stayed in their room with him while she was gone. he started asking me to kiss him. i thought nothing of it. just an innocent little peck. well, he kept asking me to kiss him and i did. eventually, he asked me to and then stuck his tongue down my throat. i was grossed out and confused and i went and told my mom. she confronted him but he convinced her that it was some sort of misunderstanding. he apologized and nothing else happened. not then, at least. When i was in 3rd grade, i was around 8, he started to really touch me. he worked 3rd shift and my mom worked 1st shift. when i would get off the school bus in the afternoons it would just be him and i at the house. i always felt uncomfortable alone with him. i would go into the kitchen and fix an after school snack and he would ALWAYS come in there and get behind me and push me up against the counter and rub his erection into my butt. he would pin me there and take his hands and put them under my shirt. he would rub up and down against me until either he was satisfied or i could get away. Sometimes we would be sitting on the couch watching tv and he would start to tickle me. i thought of it as a game at the time. he would always end up on top of me, though, with my legs spread open. he would, again, rub his erection on me and put his hands under my shirt. he was alot stronger than me and would hold me down while he did so. i had no chance at all to get away from him. This occurred on a regular basis. At first i was too young to really realize what was going on but by the time i did have an understanding, it had been happening off and on for years. i was afraid to tell my mom. i was scared it would be my fault. During the summer months when i would be out of school was the worst. i would be alone with him all day at the house. sometimes he would take me to my grandparents house to go swimming. we were usually the only ones out in the pool and he would touch me then, too. he seemed to get braver about where he touched me when we were in the pool. he'd want to "play" so he could touch me. i can remember him telling me to stand on his shoulders and jump into the water that way. in the process of getting on his shoulders, he would take his hand and place it on my vagina and stick his fingers inside of me. after i would jump off and swim back to him he would take my hand and make me touch his hard erection. there are still quite a few things that i have blocked out from that time in my life. it started when i was 4 and i was 12 when i finally told someone. a lot of good that did me. no one believed me. not even my own mother. not even DSS. :( i have alot of repressed feelings of anger and resentment held inside. my mother and him are still married. she told me never to bring it up again, that was when i was 15. and i havent mentioned it to her since then. i was so young when all of this happened and wasn't able to explain it like i can now, as an adult. it's really ****** me up in the head. i started having sex at 12 and have been with 150+ people since then. i have no self worth or self esteem due to this. im 24 years old now and have just started trying to deal with it. he violated me as a child and took my innocence from me. i just want to feel some semblance of normality in my life. any suggestions?
mandagurrlface mandagurrlface
22-25, F
6 Responses Apr 22, 2012

such men should be hanged <br />
thank god it stopped there <br />
but you are realy strong and you will overcome this <br />
my prayers 4u

This made me have a hard ****

you're disgusting. i hope your **** rots off you nasty ************.

Although it is the hardest thing on the planet after abuse, you need to be a strong young lady. I also was sexually abused. If the offender denies it and gets away with it per say and the mother doesn't accept your words. Then ask God to grant you the serenity::to accept the things you cannot change(your mother's denial); the courage to change the things I can(your future, goals and aspirations); and wisdom to know the difference. I hope you do acknowledge that you are loved...this support group goes global doll. I went through something similar, and though I do not know you, I have great love for you for sharing your experience and admitting there was abuse. That bastard man controlled your past and now you need to control and determine your future. I am so sorry that happened to you just as I am me. But being the victim of such does not define us, it shall only make us stronger to have the want to acquire the rightful love we deserve. I have also been with a higher up number of people after the abuse ceased. This is not what I wanted for my life, but it was all that I had been acclimated to. I decided that I wanted to take back my life. That man was not showing love, he was showing power over "us". It's our turn. . . take the power back and make something good come from that horrid of bad that happened to us. Good luck on your journey..if your mom isn't there to believe in you, I, as well as these other support readers do believe in you doll. Good luck on your journey. You deserve the world. It's kinda owed to you.

reading this makes me sad and want to cry, Im trying to write my story but i dont know where to begin, reading your brought back memories i had of my past, I am a sorvivor and my step dad is now in jail 15 years later, but i finally got the courage to go to the police. He has 15 years and im not happy about that i feel it should be longer but at least i know he wont touch anyone else for 15 years.

Thanks for sharing, I hate to hear about child abuse. <br />
Logging your feelings is a great way to start the healing process. <br />
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This is a great place to log your feelings and be anonomus sp? at the the same time. <br />
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Your writing may just help someone else in that kind of a situation. <br />
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I hope you can get help, I am willing to be a friend and listen.

Hey, wow! Alot of people around you are trying to help you live an eternity is such a short time. It's hard to read your story without getting angry. But it's good that you write them all out, it's a good start. No matter how long ago, a good professional could help in many ways.