My StepfatherMy parents split when i was just a little baby. when i was about 3 years old, my mom met a guy and he started staying with us. I still remember the first time he ever touched me. i was 4, we were all laying in my mom's bed and she got up to go answer a phone call. i stayed in their room with him while she was gone. he started asking me to kiss him. i thought nothing of it. just an innocent little peck. well, he kept asking me to kiss him and i did. eventually, he asked me to and then stuck his tongue down my throat. i was grossed out and confused and i went and told my mom. she confronted him but he convinced her that it was some sort of misunderstanding. he apologized and nothing else happened. not then, at least. When i was in 3rd grade, i was around 8, he started to really touch me. he worked 3rd shift and my mom worked 1st shift. when i would get off the school bus in the afternoons it would just be him and i at the house. i always felt uncomfortable alone with him. i would go into the kitchen and fix an after school snack and he would ALWAYS come in there and get behind me and push me up against the counter and rub his erection into my butt. he would pin me there and take his hands and put them under my shirt. he would rub up and down against me until either he was satisfied or i could get away. Sometimes we would be sitting on the couch watching tv and he would start to tickle me. i thought of it as a game at the time. he would always end up on top of me, though, with my legs spread open. he would, again, rub his erection on me and put his hands under my shirt. he was alot stronger than me and would hold me down while he did so. i had no chance at all to get away from him. This occurred on a regular basis. At first i was too young to really realize what was going on but by the time i did have an understanding, it had been happening off and on for years. i was afraid to tell my mom. i was scared it would be my fault. During the summer months when i would be out of school was the worst. i would be alone with him all day at the house. sometimes he would take me to my grandparents house to go swimming. we were usually the only ones out in the pool and he would touch me then, too. he seemed to get braver about where he touched me when we were in the pool. he'd want to "play" so he could touch me. i can remember him telling me to stand on his shoulders and jump into the water that way. in the process of getting on his shoulders, he would take his hand and place it on my vagina and stick his fingers inside of me. after i would jump off and swim back to him he would take my hand and make me touch his hard erection. there are still quite a few things that i have blocked out from that time in my life. it started when i was 4 and i was 12 when i finally told someone. a lot of good that did me. no one believed me. not even my own mother. not even DSS. :( i have alot of repressed feelings of anger and resentment held inside. my mother and him are still married. she told me never to bring it up again, that was when i was 15. and i havent mentioned it to her since then. i was so young when all of this happened and wasn't able to explain it like i can now, as an adult. it's really ****** me up in the head. i started having sex at 12 and have been with 150+ people since then. i have no self worth or self esteem due to this. im 24 years old now and have just started trying to deal with it. he violated me as a child and took my innocence from me. i just want to feel some semblance of normality in my life. any suggestions?
mandagurrlface 22-25, F 6 Responses 5 Apr 22, 2012