It Was A Long Time Before I Could Admit This To Myself

When I was growing up, since I was about 8, my mother had a string of men going in and out of her bedroom. Her sex life was far more important than I was, and she usually put me in front of the tv while she had sex with her boyfriend of the week in her room. I was abused several times by her boyfriends.

The first time I was 8. I was eating in the kitchen and he came out to get some water. He was sweaty and smelled like sex. He was drinking the water and looked at me, then he reached into his boxers and pulled his penis out. He asked me if I liked it and asked me if I wanted to touch it. I shook my head no. He walked over to me and patted me on the cheek. Then he reached down and grabbed my crotch and told me "Come find me when this is ready."

When I was 9, I was watching Rugrats (dating myself here) when her boyfriend came out. He started talking to me about school and my friends, and then he mentioned my mother was asleep so I could watch anything I wanted to. I told him I liked Rugrats, but he said he had something better. He tuned into the **** channel and we watched flickering images of women performing ********, having intercourse, doing anal. He asked me to sit on his lap and demanded when I didn't move. I went over and sat on his lap. I could feel his erection poking me and I told him it hurt. He wouldn't let me crawl off his lap and I started to cry. He told me if I woke my mother she would be very angry. He touched me and *********** himself, and ********** on my pajamas. The month or so they dated he came into my bedroom several times to lay down next to me and **********.

When I was 12 my mother got drunk and had sex with some guy. My mother passed out and the man stumbled out into the family room where I as watching tv. I was wearing a dress and when he sat down next to me he reached his hand up my dress. I almost shouted and he put his hand over my mouth and nose. I don't know if he meant to put his hand over my nose or if he was just too drunk to notice. Either way, I couldn't breather and he said "It'll only hurt a moment" and put his fingers up me. It hurt a lot and I bled quite a bit. "You feel just like your mother" he said.

I lost my virginity at age 14 and became promiscuous with the boys at school. Several of her boyfriends slept with me, but when I was 14 and older I was more able to make my own decisions. But these were still men in their 30s, taking advantage of a teenager. One of them made comparisons between my mother and I, but the others were more concerned with my mother not finding out.

My life is full of sexual dysfunction. For a long long while my sexuality was the only thing that made me worthwhile to anything. I learned to use it, to manipulate men to survive. Since getting placed in a shelter and supportive housing, I'm now celibate. My significant other is okay with this, and doesn't pressure me. I wonder if I will ever be comfortable or safe enough to sleep with him. But I think I'm healing, and that starts with being able to admit to myself what has happened to my life.
cephaloscotti cephaloscotti
26-30, F
5 Responses May 8, 2012

I know how you feel, I was molested by my dad for years (6-12 years old) and I was scared to even to do a high five. I have been with my boyfriend for the last 3 years and he has been the most understanding person in the world. I was too scared to even hold his hand when we first started to date, it took me almost 1 year to be able to do that comfortably. It took me a while to tell him everything, but he listened to every detail. After the first 2 years, I was able to sleep with him. Take your time, it might take you a while to feel safe again, but just keep in mind you're not the only one.

I'm glad that you're getting the help that you need. Unfortunately, this kind of healing is a process. A very long one. It doesn't happen over night, and the people that love you will understand that. Inch by inch, it's a sinch. Yard by yard, too damn hard.

It's very hard to look at abuse as a child squarely - I didnt manage to face it until my early 30s, when I started dating a woman who'd been abused by her father, & helping her talk about it stirred up my own feelings and anxieties, and got me to the point where I could face it, and look at the damage it had done. But without that, it's impossible to break out of the self-destruction, whichever self-destruction you have chosen.

I understand. I was molested at a young age too. And I think I'm headed on the path of where you were, using my sexuality to get what I want, just mainly attention. But I pray to God you find complete and full healing from what has happened to you in your life. Keep strong and remember that you are worth everything.

Don't go down that path. It's dark and a lot of girls don't find their way out. It ruined sex and intimacy for me.

Thank you. I will try.