After Math

I was molested as a child. I was molested by two of my male cousins who were like, 13 or 14. (This happened at different times and I doubt either of them knew the other was using me too). This happened throughout my childhood years of being 8, 9, 10, and a little bit of 11.

It always happened while I was visiting my father's side of the family (my parents were divorced) and it stopped after 11 because that's when my father up and left for good and that side cut off communication with us.

Scroll down to ten years later, and let the fuckery begin.

It took me FOREVER to finally admit to myself that this happened to me. Like, I just recently admitted this to myself and to someone else, last Christmas.
Only one person knows this about me. And it's not even a family member. It's not even one of my closest friends. But she is close.
I never told my mom because when I was little, I had no doubt that if she ever found out this happened to me while I was supposed to be under care of my father, she would have killed someone. This isn't like, a joke. It would have happened.
Now I just don't tell her or my brother because it happened so long ago and I feel like they wouldn't believe me. Especially after my teen years where my mom and I fought so much (we still don't get along). I go through phases of depression and the one time I tried to open up and tell her about my cutting (I was cutting at the time) she laughed at me and called them scratches. After that, I knew I would never tell her anything ever again.
Every time I fought with my mom or she would yell at me she would always say the same thing "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you retarded?"

Sometimes I wonder. Like, I know I'm intelligent and all, but I have these.. idiosyncrasies. These things I do that are heavily awkward. I never feel comfortable around the opposite sex, I can't look most people in the eye when I talk to them, (ESPECIALLY the opposite sex). I suck at speaking up for myself and my body (I've been creeped on many a time and had a hard time saying "no"). If it's my friend in trouble, I'll gladly kick some *** for them, but if it's me, I give no ***** about my well being.

I have no health insurance and I can't afford therapy so I can't really go to counseling and find out if these things are, in fact, the after math of what the **** happened to me so long ago. And that's not even all the things. There are others that I notice I do, I just can't put them into words because I don't notice I'm doing them until I'm actually DOING them. (It's messed up, I know).

And I used to be all weepy about this and now I just don't care. Like, now, all I want is attention. Because besides those horrific events, I was never paid attention to as a child. The attention I wanted from people, like the boys in my class, my dad, even my mom sometimes, I never got.
So now that I'm older, and I have ****, ***, and a curvy body and I understand how to use them, I've become like, the ultimate tease. I've been called this on many an occasion and I don't care.
And sometimes I think about how ****** up I am, but I can't dwell on it for too long, because falling into my own madness feels so good.
Like, I wonder if those events so long ago sparked my bi sexuality, I wonder if those events contributed to my childhood weight problems, and I wonder if it contributed to the fact that I am so ADD, I just wonder about all of it. But now I don't care.
Even yesterday, I let some 30 year old guy lick the side of my ******* face, and I didn't even know him. I went with some friends to visit their neighbor, and after ten minutes, he showed me to the bathroom and then decided to get all touchy feely. My 45 year old neighbor might have a crush on me, and I don't care. Like, a part of me does, but I can't be bothered to listen to that part anymore. I wish I could just know; how ****** up am I?

And sometimes I wonder about the strong, confident, awesome girl I was sure to be if my cousins hadn't of got their hands on and in me.
secretsymphony secretsymphony
18-21, F
5 Responses May 9, 2012

Hello,

I just read your story and I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, and that you were not given the attention and love as a child that you deserved. I think many of the things that you experience and your body does that you feel are 'awkward' are certainly responses to the abuse you went through. Alot of us don't want to be victims. We think, I am strong, I'm not a victim. I went through 8 years of domestic abuse with my children's father, and my mom had to literally grab and and tell me in no uncertain terms that I was a victim of this perpetrator, and just because I was a victim, doesn't mean I'm not strong or smart. It is often the victim blaming themselves for what occurred. I commend you in sharing, and I can understand your fear that your mother would have literally killed someone, because as a mother, I would not hesitate to go batshit crazy behind one of mine. That being said, however, as time has passed, it is important for you to tell. Too many times the dynamics of families of color is to brush things under the rug and never address the molestation and abuse that is rampant in our families and communities. You have begun your process of healing by admitting it happened, by telling someone, and sharing your story here. Now you should continue. Tell the whole ******* world. You deserve to unburden yourself, and not base your worth on sexual attention. You ARE awesome, you ARE deserving, you ARE worth it. **** your molester *** cousins (although they probably were victims of abuse themselves) but really, **** 'em. They are still perpetuating the abuse when you act out sexually because they are not allowing you to break those ties, that cycle that they began with you so that you can move on. I encourage everyone to seek counseling. Even when you don't have insurance, many agencies, and community health centers offer low-cost or free counseling services. I myself have gone to one for the past year that I pay a $20 copay for each time I go. It is so worth it. Even to just talk about it. Remember YOU are the most important person to YOU. Therefore, a healthy and happy YOU is the goal. I pray that you will continue your healing process, I pray you will be open and share, and I just pray that your are happy luv, I truly do. Love, Prayers, and Hugs from a momma in the West Coast.

Ury

i say give ur cousin a chance u may find u like it and fallin love we cant help who we fall for.then id u dont like it run snd u will find someone else,but if u dont try it u will always wonder how it migt have been

As long as you let this dictate who u are the longer you let your attacker have control over you mane... you gotta try n move on from it you feel me, so you can do what you were put on this earth for ya digg!

thank you. :)

you are a beautiful person...hold ur head high and get on with ur life...