Been 22years, I'm Still Confused

My younger 9 year old sister and I at only 11years old were left at home to be looked after by a family friend while my parents and his parents went out for dinner. I even remember what was on TV. A national classic that it in itself, was a breeding ground of sexual assaults and several molestation allegations. It started as a game. "you touch her there and she touches you there" he was saying, like it was a fun way to explore my sisters body. What the ****? Then it was his turn he said. "Just hold it like this and go for it"..My sister and I took turns, till..I told my parents bout it a couple of days later..after me and my sister did it to each other a few more times and I started feeling really guilty about what I was doing. I'm not sure what happened to him but I have never seen him or his parents again. But that's not the only time I was touched and definitely not where the story ends. About a year later I was at a friends birthday party. I don't really remember to much of the party, but I remember his face when he held me and... when I told my father, whoa, he smashed that guy in front of me. But, after those times with my sister and them, I was changed. I chased that same sexual contact with all sorts, why?..cause it felt good. When I was at high school, a very good mate of mine from my class stayed down south with my sister ,my parents and I. We got pretty drunk and laying in bed, wishing for some contact, I suggested I could touch him and make him feel as good as a girl could. We took turns on each other till we were both happy and ready for sleep. And again when we were both on acid, I hit him up for the same, but he turned me down and got angry. I don't speak to him anymore, and, I do blame myself for the separation. My sexual life with girls has been wild but not always enjoyable. I watched my mate with my girlfriend at the time enjoy each other as I watched, all because I felt like it was something I wanted to do. It could not have been any worse. I slept with a few guys i meet online, I needed to see if all these feelings I have been having are genuine. I must say sex with a man, is quite enjoyable. Now, I'm 33 with a child and her lovely mother loves me and I her, BUT. I am still so confused, If I could do what ever I wanted I would become a **** star. I want to make my parents proud but they wont be if I do that. I have never stopped thinking about sex with a man since I was molested. Is it because it felt so good. I feel very lonely these days as I try to ignore these feelings and continue with my current relationship. Is this the reason I feel Bi-sexual??
BurleighBoy BurleighBoy
31-35, M
3 Responses May 12, 2012

Interesting. I know someone who I think may be going through the same situation. Someone close to me....

It makes sense. I mean, I was molested by both males and females so in a way I feel like I cant trust either of them, especially separately.

Maybe i feel like that as well i mean...i had an experience when i was younger if the same type and now i feel like i am bisexual. I DON'T want to be penetrated but i seem to be fond of guys that look more feminine and have rounded bottoms. Like i want to be a top and top only. I don't know why i have these thoughts... i have a girlfriend and i love her but there is always that longing you know...so i totally feel where your coming from. I would maybe think about telling your wife ONLY if she is is understanding but if you feel like she is not then take it to your grave.