Is Resolution Possible?

When I was younger my parents were fairly inattentive. I mean, they haven't really changed over the years; partially because they were working just to keep us above water, partially because they were so young and in-experienced when they became parents.

I was 3-4 years old the first time I was molested. I had no idea what was going on, or why it was happening except for what the people who were doing it were telling me. My daycare sitter *a female* and I'm assuming her boyfriend or some other guy from the daycare center would take me into the back room/storage closet and pull down my pants and touch me and do other things * I really don't want to go into explicit detail because it makes me sick thinking about it*, and they would tell me the reason why they were doing it was because I was "bad". The first few times I cried, and they told me the less that I cried the faster it would be, so I tried to stifle my tears. I didn't know why I was being "punished" in this dark room away from the rest of my peers...I had no idea what was happening, all I knew was that I was bad. And I didn't want to tell my parents or they might punish me too. Every night after my parents picked me up from the daycare center I went to my room and laid on the floor and cried myself to sleep. I didn't eat, I didn't move, I just slept. This happened every single day for I'm assuming over a 6-12 month period until my father got a job in a different state and we were relocated.

After we moved I felt relieved, I would never have to go back to that daycare center again, but I was sad too because I would not get to be with my grandmother as much. Life continued on, my parents non the wiser and I began to heal from what had happened to me, even though I couldn't fully understand that I was in fact being abused. I felt as though I was escaping some sort of persecution, even though I had done nothing wrong. A year went by and my first adult tooth started to come in, so my mother took me to a dentist in Idaho. I loved my previous dentist in Utah, he was very fun and always made sure that I was smiling and didn't feel any pain. This new dentist was different... My mother brought me into the office and I was excited due to the fact that usually I had had very good experiences with dentists. My mother was instructed to wait outside, that she could not join me in the dentists room. I'm pretty sure if that were me and my child, I would have known that something was immediately wrong when I was not allowed to go back with my 5 year old daughter.
The dentist brought me back into his room, I was the only one in there and he put me in the chair. Then he began poking around my mouth and then stopped. His nurse came in and they asked if I wanted "sleepy gas" I said no, I didn't know what it was. They then proceeded to numb my mouth with a shot which I was very used to and I had no problems. That's when things turned for the worst. The dentist began feeling my chest and I didn't know why, then he touched my privates and rubbed them. I started to scream and he covered my mouth and threatened that if I screamed or told anyone what happened that he would kill my parents and I would be put in foster care. I started to notice that something wasn't right because this wasn't happening to my brother and I didn't do anything wrong at the dentist, I was sure of it. I closed my eyes as he did what he wanted and tears kept rolling down my eyes. The worst part was that his nurse didn't do anything to help me. She restrained me so that he could do this. After he was done he pulled my tooth out and I was rushed back into the waiting room to see my mom. My mom recalls me being pale as a ghost and immediately asked me what was wrong. I kept thinking about what the dentist had said and I said nothing. As soon as we got in the car I started bawling and my mother wanted to know what was wrong. I didn't tell her that I was molested, but I did tell her that the dentist had told me that if I didn't be quiet that he was going to call the government and I would never see my mom or dad again. Thank god she never took me back to him.

Due to these acts I have lived a very guarded lifestyle, even though I was not sure what molestation or rape was until I was 15. That is when my depression hit hard. I let the first boyfriend I ever had rape me on numerous occasions just because I felt as though I was worth nothing more, I deserved it.

My fourth serious boyfriend beat the crap out of me and raped me whenever he wanted.

Now, I am finally getting my crap together. But I have had such a hard road. I've had to overcome anorexia, alcoholism and general self-esteem and trust issues but things are getting better.

I just wish I knew the names of the people who molested me first at that daycare center so that I could confront them. I want to confront the dentist, but for some reason, even though I am now 22 years old, I am still afraid. I wish that when I was younger I knew what "bad touch" was. If I had, all of these people would have been in jail. I cant imagine how many other children these sick individuals have ruined.

I just want to know is there some resolution? Does it ever get better? How?
tirrali09 tirrali09
22-25, F
1 Response May 13, 2012

I glad I read your story. I had no idea that an adult would molest a 3 or 4 yr old kid. At least, it may help me if my kids or kids around me who have problems.