Searching For A Light

Hello people,
I am sharing my thoughts online for the first time so I dont really know how to put it altogether.
I am a 20 year old girl, I was molested by my uncle from when I was like 3-4 to 10 years and was later raped by him when I was 15, from that I got pregnant and had an abortion. I never told when I was young bc I was scared to death and later I still dont know why I didnt report him immediately, but I didnt and still strugle with it, at that time I was in a relationship that was abusive, I had low self esteem etc. I know it isnt an excuse. I am  currently studying abroad and I have a bf who knows about everything. Recently I told my parents and I was expecting them to be very shocked but in the end try to support me, bc they have always been amaying parents. I was completely perplexed when they turned their backs on me and pretended I never said anything, refused to talk about it, and my mother inclusively has said she doesnt have proof of it so its hard to believe( it was her brother). I understand that to other people it comes as a shock, its hard for others to listen to it and deal with it, but time has passed and they still havent reached out a hand to me. I feel completly depressed, I went to a psychotherapist but it didnt do anything for me, I know all the logical things, "it wasnt my fault, nothing will hurt me again, its in the past", I dont blame myself but at the same time I cant help but hate myself somehow. I feel completely numb to life, its like im in a slow movie, I am waiting for my life to start, I keep hiding things from me and from others, not doing anything with my life, school is going bad, and it all got a lot worse since i told my parents. I regret I told them, I feel i put a great burden on them, I feel pathetic for telling them after so many years, I feel Im so unimportant, useless, insignificant. Its like Im screaming HELP through a megaphone and no one cares. 
I know my bf loves me and cares about me, but he doesnt understand that some of his actions hurt me and make me think he doesnt put an effort at all, but there is no point telling him to do things differentely bc he wont hear it, he says Im wrong, that he does help me and then in turn I just feel that I am bothering him and I shouldnt, bc no one is responsible for making me happy, I have to make myself happy.Iam incredibly lost, I dont want to be this weak person, I know I could be happy somehow, I know I have a lot to offer the world I just cant seem to start the process, anything I do to try it just doesnt help or only makes it worse. Also I have many confusing feelings towards my sexual desires and what i felt at the time i was a child, which i cannot even bring myself to analyse. I have wanted to jump out of a window to kill myself and even wrote a note, I am scared i will give up one day, I want to start living.
Sorry for this huge and confusing post, I am just looking for some thoughts of others Nadine
Nadine91 Nadine91
2 Responses May 15, 2012

You are in another abusive relationship. Your bf does not love you. You told him some of his actions hurt you and he won't acknowledge your feelings. That is gaslighting and especially him knowing what you went through. Yes only you can make you happy. Find a therapist who can help you. Keep looking till you find one that is right for you. You feel like your bf loves you because he pays you attention when you need it most. You need to learn to love you or you will never know what the right love for you is. It is easier said than done. I was molested as a kid and almost 20 years later I am still learning to love myself. In the end it will be so worth it.

Hey Nadine<br />
I am so sorry to hear your story and its hard for me to try to find a decent answer to all of this , but i will try.<br />
From your text I can see that you are self-reflective and rational about things , you say that in that time you were in an abusive relationship because of your self-esteem problems or that you couldnt tell anyone at that time because you felt so ashamed about what happened and that is absolutely normal . it shakes me to the bones to hear that for some reason you cant talk to your parents about this , especially when you say that they have allways been amazing parents. I dont know how I would react but i dont think i could "play" a different me when i am with them , laugh and joke around for example , because there would be this huge thing in the way between us.<br />
I am not sure what to advise you, on one hand you can´t pretend everything is fine while they stepped on your feelings the way they did , on the other hand its your parents no matter what. i can only speak for me and i think i would have a very cold relationship to my parents just to protect myself from playing a role i dont wanna play. i know this might sound harsh and i am sure a lot of things inside a human go against being cold towards their parents, but what they are doing is simply unbelievable and you have all the right to show them that what they are doing is not right !<br />
I am trying to put myself in your shoes , in this feeling of being "numb" to life , to be "waiting for your life to start " and I feel your frustration and depression.I dont know but my inner feeling tells me that it is this kind of "acting" that you have to do when you meet your parents that everything is normal and great that makes you feel you are not living your life. You have to understand that your life situation is not easy to solve , that means that there is not only one key to the door that will open your way to a happy and easy life but more than one lock to open and you can´t lose your patience, your love and inner peace and let this thing destroy you and your life in the present.<br />
You say that now you have a boyfriend that loves you and cares about you , but you have the feeling that sometimes he does things that make you feel he doesnt care . Its hard to say anything to that , but first of all I think its a very good sign you open up to someone and that you are able to trust anyone (especially a guy) after all what happened to you ,especially when you experienced that people that were close to you turned their back on you and didnt want to hear what you have to say , most propably because they feel that its their fault in some way . I dont know the actions that your boyfriend did in which he apparently evoked the feeling in you that he also doesnt care , but I think in your situation its normal that you are very sensitive to certain things and you might also misanalyze some actions that would be normal in other circumstances . if you write that he loves you and cares about you I assume that you believe in his love for you and for his caring about you,so I am sure he will do everything to make you feel better if you give him the opportunity to help you .<br />
I dont mean it in a way that you should put all your hopes into him and grasp for him as if he was the last straw , because im quite sure you are strong enough to swim out of this yourself , but to open up to him , be honest about ways you feel . tell him in a way he can understand you best , because you can not expect someone just to "see" that you are in a bad situation and expect help, you have to talk about what is inside of you .<br />
<br />
Hope my thoughts help you a bit and i hope to hear from you