I'm just beginning to see it's consequences on my life. I cannot bond. It's too much. I panic when people get close. I'm starting to have flashbacks and nightmares. I really am terrified. 
Mdear Mdear
18-21, F
4 Responses May 19, 2012

I missed this posting. I've been away for a bit (as you obviously know) and I'm just now catching up with everything. <br />
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Check your EP e-mail box, I left you a message in regards to your posting of this story.<br />
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I also want to commend you for telling this story, it was so courageous of you to do so.

I had therapy and have never forgotten the incidents of being molested. I run the gamit of guilt shame, blame, worthlessness, less than. I was afraid i was gay. 2 broken marriages a few flings with women and men, talk about being confused i was also a drunk, built a wall around myself couldnt tell a nyone. I was sitting in the court room cell waiting to see the judge and prayed, not for a good outcome, but for me being able to handle whatever comes down and that everyone involved, me, judge, prosecuter, DA, probation officer will work together professionally. i was given probation with substance abuse treatment, AA meetings and sex therapy, i was busy for the next 5 years, working on myself. You can't shut the door on your past but you don't have to dwell in the past. there's a lot to tell perhaps another time

Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I really hope you find peace. :)

Get out and get some exercise. Take a deep breath. I was there. You'll need to disconnect the experience from the emotional response.<br />
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I found bringing up the experience in a safe environment, realizing that you're safe now and you're a much stronger person able to protect yourself and you're in charge of your destiny now to be helpful. The emotional response will be terrifying at first, but it should subside over time to more of a dull ache.<br />
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Stay strong. If you're really hurting and you need somebody, reach out to a friend or somebody who cares. If you're really in a rut in that respect, I'm available here.<br />
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Good luck. This **** is the worst.

"It's so easy to say "tell someone" and "stay strong". But what does that really mean? How do you bring that sort of thing up? What is a "safe" environment? And how does one "disconnect" from emotional response? And is burying emotions even advisable? Sorry to shoot you down, but this isn't good advise. It's very vague.

Does a lack of connection bother you? If so, then 'tell someone' means opening your mouth in the vicinity of people who care for you and making noises that lets them know about your experiences. If that seems like a terrifying way to bond, it's because it is.

I'll leave 'stay strong' at 'don't kill yourself.' I wouldn't advise selling yourself short for being alive at this moment: that's strength in and of itself.

You shouldn't bury those emotions. You will simply have to go through them. My point is over time, if you allow yourself to feel those emotions, they will subside. Burying them will only cause them to fester.

What is a "caring" person? Where do you find caring people? How do you bring this up in conversation? When is the correct time? Yes, it is very terrifying to bond with someone that is secretly thinking "tmi".

I care for your well-being. Surely you have close friends or maybe family? To wit, if it is difficult to bring up in meatspace, or if anonymity is desirable, you may consider posting a full story here. There is no correct time, though I would recommend divulging sooner rather than keeping all the negativity bottled up. I did the latter and... things got really messed up. Yeah, people thinking 'tmi' happens, but sometimes, you just gotta say **** the world. Are there organizations which deal with this issue near you? If so, you may consider going to one for counseling: the counselors will be people who can discretely give you a place to divulge and information about healing from the consequences, and they deal with these topics on a regular basis. Good luck.

I highly doubt that you care about me. You know absolutely nothing about me. And no, I don't have anyone to talk about this. I've tried some family but they are insensitive people. I've tried one other person from this website, but I don't like talking to him about it because he doesn't understand. And its too tiring to explain. I never understood the "**** the world" thing. What does that mean? Is it something you simply say, or is it an attitude? If it's the latter, how do you come to think that way? The world is full of people, and you can't say "**** off" to the ones that you share space with. I've considered counselors but I don't have any money. I don't think I'm ready to talk to a professional from some do-good organization. Eye contact is too much. I don't think I'm ready to reach out yet. I admit that I feel very paralyzed about this situation.

Hey, I care enough to take some time out of my life here to share with you what I experienced. I assume you tell the truth, so if my assumption is correct, I know at least one thing about you: you were hurt and it affects you now. And yes, you can tell people to **** off. It's part of controlling your space (though I suppose it would be in your interest to phrase it more subtly). If it is any consolation, eye contact is still difficult for me. Has the world let you down? **** the world. You don't have to do anything I suggest, but I will add this note: the professional from some do-good organization is no different from the professional from some profitable organization, except one is compassionate and well-off enough to provide their services for free.

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i really know this feeling