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Memories

Memories of my childhood are few and far between. At 7, All I remember is being molested by my father. I'm assuming that was the starting point, at least it was for me. Some time in between that and 11, I was molested by my mom's at the time's boyfriend's cousin. I can't recall the age I just remember him locking the door and pulling down his pants. Around 10-11 my mom lost her apartment and we moved into my second cousin's home with her 5 children. I shared a room with two other girls and whoever else was living with her at the time. I honestly don't remember who started it but things happened with my adopted girl cousin. I was woken up numerous times by either my older male third cousins or his friends, kissing or touching me. It was all terribly awkward considering my age, previous similar experiences and how close we all were as a family. How close we all had to be due to circumstance. I love my family. Mind you, the person I am now, at 22, loves them.

Lets fast forward a few years, moved to FL, started new, own room YES, No. We had people staying with us now. At 14, my mother had been dating this guy for about 2 years now. There were two girls sleeping on my floor since they had no place to go, I wake up to feeling someone touching me. I sit up immediately, because by now I know better, and my mom's boyfriend jumps and runs out of my room. He comes back maybe ten minutes later and asks if I'm ok. I tell him to close my door. I don't fall back asleep. I kind of just wait until everyone else wakes up. I don't want to be inside so me and the girls go walking around the plaza by my house. I'm unusually quiet so they ask what's wrong? I tell them what happened. They freak out. They tell me to tell my mom. I wasn't into that idea. My mother is a very selfish woman. So they tell their mom with my permission. She convinces me to tell me mom. I do. Her first reaction was to confront him, slap him. Then they talked about it. He apologized to me. She told me he was leaving but if she kicked him out now he'd have nowhere to go. They are still together today. Naturally I started locking my door but some nights I forgot and unfortunately it did happen again. My mom just made him apologize again and blamed it on him drinking the night before. I moved out at 16 to live with a boyfriend. That didn't work out so I ended up back home at 18. By the time, the doors at my moms apartment were set to automatically lock. I had to use a butterknife to open my door whenever I want to get in. Unfortunately he knew how to use one too. This was around the time when I had started taking ambien to regulate my sleep pattern. My mom told the doctor I didn't sleep enough. I woke up to hear the door closing.

Results of being molested? Uncomfortable around any older male figure. I went through phases of no sleep or too much sleep. Overeating, undereating. I guess it was all about the extremes. I cut, A lot. Attempted suicide twice. Tried at least five kinds of anti-depressants, they moved me onto medication for bi-polar disorder. My mom forced me to take whatever medication they gave me I guess to make herself feel like a good mother...

Around 19, When I was emotionally freed from the 2 year relationship with a pathological liar I decided I no longer wanted to take any medication. I decided I no longer wanted to be depressed. I forgave everyone for the damage they caused me and chalked it up to character building. I erased depression and moved on with my life. I will never put myself in a situation where my mom's boyfriend might have to apologize. My cousins are all grown up though I never really had any resentment there. We were all over-sexualized because of our upbringing, circumstances. I haven't spoken to my father since that incident, not because I didn't want to but because he never tried to contact me. I forgive him regardless. I would love to confront him though. That babysitter was a total pervert, no idea what became of him. I really could care less.

You can recover from trauma. I did.
deleted deleted 26-30 6 Responses Jun 30, 2012

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Im happy you were able to move on its only way to truly start to heal...Your bigger person than me...I could never forgive them the way you did I just cnt,till this day everything that happen to me in past haunts me maybe not now but it always snaps back and it feels like it just happen,I kno I should forget the bad and move on then forgive them for my own sake but for some reason I cnt let go..even wen I'm with someone I love so much I cnt sleep,dnt like being touch sometimes,I dnt feel okay

I'm sorry this happened to you and applaud you for writing this and for choosing to get over your traumatic past and to forgive all of those people that harmed you. I was molested by my step dad, told my mom she stayed with him still, I used to lock myself up at night and was suicidal and had issues for a while. I'm ok now...I'm stronger today. I choose to be happy and successful despite it all. I admire you *Standing Ovation* to you. :D

Hey, I'm sorry. I was molested, too. Saying, "it happened, I forgave them, it didn't hurt, I fixed myself" doesn't last forever. Positive is good. I thought the same way and it bit me hard about 14 years later. Just last year actually. If you can get help, do so. You'll regret it later if you don't and just ignore it. Like hylierandum, I speak from experience. Best of luck.

Awesome! I'm just trying to undo all the damage done to me. Emotions, I have few. I lived in hell so I didn't develop like people are supposed to. I lived in fantasyland and the world of Bipolar. It ruined relationships and made me hate myself. It also gave me hyperthyroid and heart failure and I'm dying. I'm broke, bankrupt and uninsured so pretty much ****** right now. Without medical care soon, it will kill me. Yes, medical problems do come from all this CSA and general abuse. Other than sex abuse, I've been a manwhore (never got any pleasure out of it except pleasing others). My first 18 years in hell, er, life was pure hell. I ignored it till I got deathly sick last year. Mentally abuse was the worst for me. I was called every name in the book by "god-fearing" losers called parents. People with child sex abuse in their past are 45-65% more likely to develop heart problems. Not sure on thyroid issues. 75% I've read. It's the constant state of living in an aroused state, isolating, and hating yourself. Sweetie, that's why I say get help. When I read your post, that was me, 14-15 years ago. Today, it's not good. I have great control over my emotions--I have few, hate myself, I don't think I need people and refuse to ask for help except when I know I'm screwed. I've fought a lot of demons working against self-hate in the last 6 months. I would love to have a therapist (can't afford one) to work through that and understanding my total lack of emotions. My advice to you is to go to a therapist anyway and get checked out. They say, you're fine, then wow, you're okay. Just don't make the mistakes I did. Peace. Best of fortune for you.

i'm really sorry that happened to you. well done for sorting everything out :)

Um...I thought I was all better in my 20's.<br />
The crap came back.<br />
Let's hope for you it doesn't, eh?

Ditto! Same thing happened to me, hylierandom. Best fortune to ya!

thats an awsome storie thnx ;) i know i may be bad but it was hot in a way