My Half Brother Is Obsessed With MeI have struggled with writing this. I spent an hour just trying to figure out where to post it. What group? Its complicated and its difficult to write out. I feel worse about it having actually put it down for anyone to see.
My half brother and I have a weird relationship. He's almost seven years older than me. My mom left his dad and got pregnant with me by someone else. When i was three, we went back to my half brother and his dad. So i didnt know him for three years and he hated me. he wasnt kind or nice or brotherly. Just hateful.
When i was seven our mom met some other guy and took off and left us with her parents. We stayed there for seven years. in that time, my half brother was so hurt and so angry. Our mom just kept dumping him when something better came along. We were both really screwed up and we were all we had in the world. When i was eight-ish and he was almost fourteen he went from hating me and being mean to being sweet and kind and loving. We shared a room at our grandparents house and that was when he started touching me.
It started with games like "red light green light" with his hands going further and further up my nightgown in the dark. Then he would kiss me and fondle me and eventually he put me on his lap (he had on underwear) and would rock my hips over his thing. It felt good, im not gonna lie, I had involuntary *******. I didnt even know what they were but they felt so good. He loved for me to climax. He would rub and rub until my hips would go crazy and id start making noise and he would have to kiss me to stop me from making noise our grandparents could hear and he would ****** right there in his underwear. Then he would kiss me all over my face and tell me that i was the only person in the whole world that he loved.
I was a smart kid and i started asking older girls questions about sex and I figured out that what was happening was wrong. It didnt feel right and the longer it went on the more he wanted to do more things. He'd pout and get upset if i told him no. Then he started angling for more and i didnt want to do those things and i said no. One night I woke up and found him doing something to me that i had already so no to. I was really upset and I told him that i didnt want to do those perverted things with him anymore and that id tell if he touched me like that again.
He cried and cried. He apologized, he begged me not to stop loving him and he couldnt understand when i told him that i did love him, i just didnt want any more messing around. I never thought of myself as being molested but I suppose I was. It wasnt like the movies where someone just comes along, a big dark shadow and takes something from you against your will. It was more insidious than that because he made me feel loved even while he was taking something from me.
I think he might have been touched by someone else in the family too. I think thats where he got it from but he wont say. He goes crazy if i bring it up.
Things have always been off with us since then. This is so weird to admit but i think he is in love with me. Or the idea of me. Im not sure. He is really obsessive with me and when he is around he listens in on my phone calls. He gets mad when i go on dates with guys he doesnt approve of (which is everyone except his gross friends). He grills me about my grades, he tries to tell me what to do and what to wear all the time. He is obsessed with my sex life (or lack thereof) and grills me about that too. He gets upset if I wear makeup (puta!) if I dont (you dont even try to look nice).
Before he moved outta my mothers house, more than once he got blackout drunk and tried to climb into my bed and touch me. This wasnt that long ago. And I only made the mistake of getting very drunk (drunkest ive ever been) at one of his parties and crashing on his couch one time because he was stumble drunk too and as soon as the last guest left he was all over me putting his hands on me and trying to get me down on the couch. I ended up having to sleep in the bathroom with the door locked.
Our mom is really violent and she drinks and fights with her boyfriends and they have loud battles and lots of loud makeup sex. We had both seen and heard all that nonsense but i dont think either of us knew what to make of it as kids. Now my half brother and i fight a lot (cuz he spends all his time trying to control my life) and i think he gets off on fighting with me just like our mother got off on it. I dont have a great temper but im usually in control But when i lose it, i really lose it. I throw things and yell and call him names and when i get like that he smiles like he is enjoying it. He pushes me and pushes me and mocks me. Most of our fights end with me getting so mad that i slap him in the face or hit him. Then i cry because i hate feeling so outta control and he holds me while i cry and then he apologizes for being so crazy. There is some weird sexual component to our fighting that freaks me out.
It's sick and i dont know how to escape it. When hes not being nuts, he is the best brother. He would be there for me in a heartbeat if anything went wrong. He would protect me from anything if i asked. But something is wrong with him and he wont let go of me. When he gets truly angry with me, he shuts me out and withholds his love which makes me feel so scared and alone and usually i will try to patch us back up because i hate that cold shoulder stuff. I know its manipulative of him but I cant stand it. We only had each other growing up and despite everything I do love him. Its hard too because my mother seems to be at least semi-conscious of our weird dynamic and she encourages him to control me. Its like she doesnt know how to do it herself since she didnt really raise me so she relies on him to be my father figure.When i do things she doesnt approve of, she calls him and tells him about it so he can handle it.
Im thinking very strongly about moving near my bio dad who lives an hour and a half away just to give myself a break from it. I feel like I cant breathe right now. Im trying to date someone (J) and my brother is going crazy and picking fights and generally trying to make me miserable. He came over to "check up on me" while my mom was out of town on Sunday and saw J's car in the driveway and he sat out in the car and called me on the cell and reamed me out and wanted to know who i had over and said just awful things to me. I am twenty by the way. I was SO embarrassed and J wanted to go out and talk to him but that was just going to get ugly so i asked him not to do that. But it spoiled the whole day. How do I explain about my brothers obsessiveness without scaring off J? The answer is, I cant. Im twenty and Im a virgin and Im working hard to have a normal life and my brother is trying to steal that from me.
Now Im torn. If I move, my half brother wins because he drove me away from a really nice guy that I feel something special for. If I stay, my half brother wins because he can still control me.
Im really unhappy right now.