My Story....

I'm not sure where to begin really, there's not much that I remember... I was young (8 or so?) and it happened over and over during a 2 or so year span... My brother is 4 years older than I, and we would "play". He would get me to do things to him... and he would mimic sex with me in various places and positions.. I don't know if he ever told me not to tell, but I know I never did. I don't think I really understood what was happening.. I was old enough to know it wasn't right but too young to know it was wrong. Especially because he was my big brother, he was the one I trusted. After it stopped I forgot about it.  

Things started flooding back to me when I started having sex. Often when I have sex I get a rush of anxiety and feelings of "this is wrong" and I become ashamed and afraid.. I used to get so panicked that I would have to run to the bathroom to vomit. Still now it happens (but not very frequently).. My bf is amazing and is able to calm me before I hurt myself (or him) in my panic attacks. I don't know what to do to make this stop, to have a normal relationship.. I'm not sure if I ever can.. He (boyfriend) knows more-or-less what happened but I haven't told him who, and I don't think I ever will. 

It simply turned into a horrible nightmare, not really knowing if it really was a dream or real...even now I feel like it was only a dream. My brother and I are friends,he's a great man. I don't believe he could ever do this! I wish I were only insane but then how could I explain my nightmares, the fear.... 

My boyfriend suggested approaching my brother and confronting him. But I can't. What if he doesn't remember doing this? I've looked into his eyes, there's no sign of anything of the same boy who did this to me.. And if I did, we'd have to act normal around my parents. I definitely could NEVER tell them. It would hurt them too much.. I believe that no one else should have to suffer because of what has happened to me. My family is so damn important to me I could never be the one to break up a close family like mine... And this is why I'm here.. hoping finally saying who did this to me (this is the first time I ever tell anyone who it was)  will be some sort of catharsis for me and will help me heal.

thank you for letting me share my story.

BellaLuna99 BellaLuna99
8 Responses Feb 21, 2010

Guilty??for what..for the thing u never did..see it was not ur mistake dear..things happened with u and now u r blaming urself for it was not is not ur mistake dont feel guilty about was ur past let it go..dont let it hamper ur present..come out of it..if ur brother is good to u now then forgive him and live a life..u need to come out of it..and the day u realise it was not ur mistake u wont feel the burden of is a sweet part of our life dont make it ur nightmare..enjoy every part of it..just love ur partner it wont b a night was past n now ur present is beautiful...

BTW your BF sounds like a keeper. When you feel you can trust him enough to know he won't go after your brother it will be incredibly cathartic to tell him the whole story. If the relationship is or becomes serious, in fact, you must tell him everything, it might just increase his bond with you, I doubt it would change his feelings for you, and I would hope and therefore hesitate to fill in the details until the two of you are a serious or engaged couple. You are so lucky to have an understanding guy. <br />
Imagine how embarrassing it was for me, a guy, to break down in tears in the middle of a sexual encounter with my last GF. We aren't together any more (not my choice) :-(

thanks, Tim. I'll take a look into that!

See if there's a chapter of ASAAC in your city (Adults Sexually Abused As Children) Thats how I met my therapist. He's a gem.

Thank you for leaving a comment, Tim. I don't currently have a therapist but I am looking into it.. At first I really didn't like the idea but now I realize that it would help immensely. Thank you for letting me know that I can talk to you if I feel the need, I may just take you up on that offer!

Hi<br />
I am also a man looking for a place to unload about my sexual abuse by family members. This isn't it obviously, but I couldn't just click away without leaving a comment.<br />
Its been a long time for you and me since the abuse occurred and its probably a lot more meaningful in terms of memory for us than it was for our abusers. Like you I have gone through periods where I thought I might have made it up. So I had a chat with my older sister about it, not confrontationally just as comparing memories. She remembered absolutely nothing (or claimed she didn't) even non sexual stuff that was part of my memory she had no memory of and I ended up in a psych ward because I then knew I was hallucinating or making up sexual memories that weren't true about my sister. Its sometimes more dangerous to confront our abusers than it is to just assume that they really have forgotten because it meant nothing to them.<br />
I hope you have a therapist to help you sort all this out. If you don't I encourage you to find one. Its helped me immensely. You can reach me off my profile page if you want to talk. If you are by any slim chance near NYC I can help you get help.

thank you for your words of encouragement and letting me know that I can talk to you about it.. It means a lot. <br />
<br />
:) take care!

Honey, I am sorry for what happened to you! As I child I too was molested. And by close Family like you had. I am a man and was molested by my Dad, Brother and Uncle on numerous occaissions. And like you, I wonder if it was all a dream. But, why would we dream of this? <br />
<br />
Things are getting much clearer as I get older and have asked around and get the feeling these people were like this. All three are deceased now. Like you, why tear a close family apart?<br />
I don't have the panic attacks like you and luckily suffer no ill effects except being a Perv! haha<br />
There was nothing we could do about it as we were children. Also, would they have believed us? I grew up in a time when all of this was not talked about! I have learned an "Oh Well!" attitude and move on. I am straight, love women, non-abusive, kind, you know all the good things. So I have just moved on. Every once in awhile something will come to my memory. I don't dwell on it.<br />
<br />
Your brother was just a kid to, and not making excuses for him, he didn't really know better. If he did he would have threatened you, I believe. You seem like you get along well with him now and that is good. Possibly sometime when you are alone with him or even invite him to lunch, you can tell him that these memories are popping up in your mind. Tell him about them and see what he says. Don't get angry with him as he will be defensive. Maybe even tell him you have these memories and am not sure who they were with. See what he says. Watch his eyes, you will be able to tell! Maybe he even is going through a guilt and would like to get it off his chest. It is even possible he doesn't remember them either. My brother only did this when he had been drinking and possibly didn't remember either. My Dad and Uncle knew better though!<br />
I hope this helps you some. You are innocent and should not feel this way! I will pray for you and ask God to help you with this. I am not a Religious man, just Spiritual! <br />
If you would want to talk more about this, I am here for you. My email is: if you would like it more confidential! Either way is fine with me. Hope to be your friend, Bill