Now I'm Confused

*I realize I wasn't exactly a teenager but please keep this, I need feedback!  .....Well I have no clue how old I was or how long it lasted. I think I may have been about 4 and it lasted maybe until I was 7 from time to time. My cousin was only 2 years older than me, so he was only around 7. We were at his house alone when he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I didn't know what it was, he said something about it means taking your clothes off. I said maybe, but he said it was my choice and quickly convinced me to say yes. Then, he told me to take my clothes off and lay face down on the floor. I layed there for a few minutes when he was taking his clothes off, then he got naked and layed on top of me for awhile. Afterwards, he sucked my **** and had me on my knees doing the same for him. This went on for a long time, we would suck each other off though we were too young to ***. I did most of the sucking and loved being controlled by him but I knew it was wrong, and would feel so guilty sometimes I'd cry when I was alone. Sometimes we'd play video games and the loser would get naked and then we'd go do that. I felt so guilty and told my mom, I hate remembering how depressed I was. I liked it, but at the same time I felt like he took part of my childhood away. After asking too many questions, I finally told my mom that I had lied and we've never talked about it again. After awhile, my cousin thought I was too into it and would laugh when I wanted to suck his ****. He stopped letting me do it, though I wanted to and we haven't said anything about it since. When I was about 8, I felt so dirty and used by it and I'm ashamed to say, I started playing with my 2 year old male cousin from my mom's side under the covers. It didn't last long because I realized it was wrong and didn't want him to have the same bad memories I did. However, I have a feeling he remembers it and I hope I didn't leave any trauma. I don't know why these things got to me so much. I was a happy kid before my cousin ever did this and now I feel like I'm addicted to wanting some kind of abuse, I've been shy and made fun of up until a few years ago, and secretly depressed. It rules my life and took away a big chunk of my childhood, feeling dirty. Although I've never actually done it again, thank god, whenever I ********** / jerk it, I try to go to a dark place and feel used and abused like I did when I was little, and smoke a cigarette once a day when doing so because it makes me feel weak and dirty. I feel so weird saying this, I've never told anyone about any of this. Anyway, I've been dating my girlfriend for 2 years now, we both love each other a lot and I'm really attracted to her. She's been my best friend and I've told her everything about me, EXCEPT all this. She's the only girl I feel attracted to tbh, I rarely ever think about girls and when I do it's nearly always her. I'm ashamed to admit any of this, especially with my 2 yr. old cousin briefly, I feel so guilty about it all the time. I always fantacize about men, but am very attracted to just this one girl, who matters more to me than anything else and yes we have sex. But I keep all this a dark secret and feel confused and sad all the time. I think I'm secretly wishing I still felt like that vulnerable little child over a decade ago. I don't know why I'm posting this, and don't know what to expect, but I've never said any of this and I guess it's anonymous. I feel really weird about this, though...
xHd92 xHd92
18-21, M
2 Responses May 19, 2012

I disagree with the other user; this was not 'experimentation,' you were manipulated and taken advantage of by your older cousin. The 'games' he constructed to trick you into letting him molest you are the trademarks of how people sexually abuse children and show that he was clearly sexually abused himself at some earlier date. <br />
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I've been there myself; my older brother sexually abused me at that early age, on and off until I was about 11, and I also developed a 'fetish' as a result for being used as I was back then. <br />
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It saddens me that your mother didn't follow up on this, and simply believed what you said about 'lying' and walked away from her responsibility in the situation. She chose to protect herself, your cousin and his parents instead of you. Leaving this silence to fester for so many years only enhances and increases the trauma of what your cousin did to you. If the two cousins you talk of are siblings, there is a strong chance that your abuser also molested the other boy who you feel so guilty about. <br />
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None of this was your fault. I see self-blame in your post, but no anger at the cousin who abused you, the adults who ignored the obvious signs and let this happen. I encourage you to try to tell someone about this, be open with your life. You shouldn't have to hold everything inside and pretend that nothing happened and there was nothing seriously wrong in your family. Maybe you should try telling your girlfriend first, it sounds like she will be there for you, right? <br />
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Thank you for sharing.

I'm replying to you because I agree with you most. I'm glad I posted this because it's anonymous and just to hear that I shouldn't be so hard on myself makes me feel a little better. I realize I should be angry with him for what happened - we still talk from time to time, but he's the kind of person who can easily manipulate/use people for things like money, and he's greedy. We've been somewhat close since we were little but now I disapprove of him and am not very close to him, although we hangout from time to time. Actually, I went a long time without talking to him after he decided to talk about me behind my back among other things. My younger cousin isn't even related to him; it's off different sides. However, I remember my older cousin, "Eric" saying something about him and a couple little kids his age, including girls, touching each other before this happened. I'm not totally sure though. I do believe he just took advantage of me, because he has that type of personality. Also, this doesn't always totally control my life. I'm most ashamed about my younger cousin but I'm glad it didn't last long and that I regretted it. I probably should open up to my girlfriend about it, when the time is right. But I don't think the time would be right for awhile, maybe even years - but I can wait and don't plan on harboring this forever. I'm not sure if I could ever open up about my younger cousin though. However, he's your everyday 12 year old boy who talks about girls 24/7 and it was so long ago that maybe I should let it go a little. I'm straight, or atleast I'll say so, because I couldn't see myself in any type of relationship other than with a girl. Thanks a lot!

You were kids and did some experimenting and it's nothing to feel guilty about. Your cousin somehow had some information about "sex" and was excited to give it a try. Please go easy on yourself. And you stopped yourself when you realized you were forcing yourself on your young cousin. Again, you need to give yourself a break.<br />
I hope you find some peace in both your current relationship and your jerk off fantasies. There is nothing wrong in enjoying intimacy with your girlfriend and the pleasurable memories of your childhood. You are not broken; you are young and learning and growing. Relax and keep learning my friend.