I Was Abused By My Step FatherGrowing up, I shared a room with my older brother. There is only a 3 year age different between us. At 4 and 5, I remember bits and pieces of my brother’s abuse, by my step-father. I mostly remembered my brother crying and when I looked over and ask if he was okay. My step father told me to turn the other way and shut up. I was so young, I had no idea what was happening so I just did what I was told.
Then the rape, molestation and physical abuse started happening to me at 5. My step father would just do terrible things to both me and my brother. I'm not going into a lot of details, because it's even hard to type it, but he was a very sick man. I am so grateful though, that I had my brother. He actually protected me from most of the abuse and then he would end up getting the worst of it. He always told us, not to tell anyone, because it would make our mom sicker. My mom had cancer, and we didn't want to make it worse. So my brother and I just kept it to ourselves. My step father was unbalanced and suffered from a lot of mental illnesses, but it was a good thing because sometimes, he would take off for weeks or months. We always hoped that he would leave forever but unfortunately he came back and so did the abuse. Then at the age of 12, my mom's condition worsens, and my step father couldn't deal any longer so he left for good. Shortly after, my mom didn't survive the cancer. My brother and I, ended up moving in with my real dad, who I have never met until after my mom died. My real dad hated me and never wanted to see me because I was accident and was never supposed to be born. I'm pretty sure the state made him take us in or something because I doubt it would have, otherwise.
After everything- the abuse, my mom death and living with my dad. It really made feel worthless and on top of that, I'm gay. So I grew up thinking, I was dirty and that I deserved or wanted the abuse because I'm gay. From all this, I started cutting myself on my thighs and other places where people wouldn’t see the cuts. Then I became suicidal. I have tried to take my life three times, already from it. Idk if sexual abuse can make someone gay. All I know now is, that came to the realization that I was born gay and am happy this way. I just think that the abuse made me have conflicts with my sexuality and made me feel negative thoughts and feelings toward myself. I am appreciative that I have my brother, my friends, and my boyfriend to help get through everything. I really wish I had my mom, I think that would really make the healing process a lot better but if she knew what happened to me and my brother. I think she would just blame herself and I wouldn't want that.
I'm 18 now and the abuse still haunts me. I still deal with a lot of self-insecurities from what happened when I was a kid. Every day is a struggle but every day it gets better. The best way it gets better is by talking about it. I have only told some of my close friends and it scary to find out that there’s, a lot of boys, who has been through what I have been through. My best friend told me that, we need to start seeing ourselves as survivors not victims so that, we can rise above it. That is the best advice I can pass on to others, who survive child abuse. We shouldn't let something like this affect us forever. We don’t have to be victims forever.