I Was Abused By My Step Father

Growing up, I shared a room with my older brother. There is only a 3 year age different between us. At 4 and 5, I remember bits and pieces of my brother’s abuse, by my step-father. I mostly remembered my brother crying and when I looked over and ask if he was okay. My step father told me to turn the other way and shut up. I was so young, I had no idea what was happening so I just did what I was told.

Then the rape, molestation and physical abuse started happening to me at 5. My step father would just do terrible things to both me and my brother. I'm not going into a lot of details, because it's even hard to type it, but he was a very sick man. I am so grateful though, that I had my brother. He actually protected me from most of the abuse and then he would end up getting the worst of it. He always told us, not to tell anyone, because it would make our mom sicker. My mom had cancer, and we didn't want to make it worse. So my brother and I just kept it to ourselves. My step father was unbalanced and suffered from a lot of mental illnesses, but it was a good thing because sometimes, he would take off for weeks or months. We always hoped that he would leave forever but unfortunately he came back and so did the abuse. Then at the age of 12, my mom's condition worsens, and my step father couldn't deal any longer so he left for good. Shortly after, my mom didn't survive the cancer. My brother and I, ended up moving in with my real dad, who I have never met until after my mom died. My real dad hated me and never wanted to see me because I was accident and was never supposed to be born. I'm pretty sure the state made him take us in or something because I doubt it would have, otherwise.

After everything- the abuse, my mom death and living with my dad. It really made feel worthless and on top of that, I'm gay. So I grew up thinking, I was dirty and that I deserved or wanted the abuse because I'm gay. From all this, I started cutting myself on my thighs and other places where people wouldn’t see the cuts. Then I became suicidal. I have tried to take my life three times, already from it. Idk if sexual abuse can make someone gay. All I know now is, that came to the realization that I was born gay and am happy this way. I just think that the abuse made me have conflicts with my sexuality and made me feel negative thoughts and feelings toward myself. I am appreciative that I have my brother, my friends, and my boyfriend to help get through everything. I really wish I had my mom, I think that would really make the healing process a lot better but if she knew what happened to me and my brother. I think she would just blame herself and I wouldn't want that.

I'm 18 now and the abuse still haunts me. I still deal with a lot of self-insecurities from what happened when I was a kid. Every day is a struggle but every day it gets better. The best way it gets better is by talking about it. I have only told some of my close friends and it scary to find out that there’s, a lot of boys, who has been through what I have been through. My best friend told me that, we need to start seeing ourselves as survivors not victims so that, we can rise above it. That is the best advice I can pass on to others, who survive child abuse. We shouldn't let something like this affect us forever. We don’t have to be victims forever.
Jakey19 Jakey19
18-21, M
17 Responses Nov 16, 2012

Hang in there it gets better

Wow more than anyone should ever endure Can we chat

I`m so sorry to hear that... I was kinda molested as a little kid and did not know what was going on and I feel as if that is the reason why I`m attracted to guys too

I'm so sorry for this, sexual abuse should not happen.

Now all that matters is your getting better

You are God's gift, no matter what. You are beautiful inside and out. You are loved, today and forever.

I really don't know what to say about your story. I wish I could have been there in the room to punch your stepfather in the face.

I feel for you man i was abused as a young boy too and still deal with the issues its left me with but your right it does get better with time friends and partners

You are a strong young for sharing your life with us. It's tragic that u have seen so much evil n miserly at such a young age. Be strong and please add me if you wish too, I can't do much but ill b happy to listen and help where I can .
Peace to you

thanks for sharing ^ ^

I feel bad sending the note "It made me smile," but after reading that last paragraph, I was smiling. What an inspiring story. Yes, we are survivors. We are the strong. And we are getting stronger still. Please stay you!!

No child should ever have to go through what you and your brother experienced. You have been through a hell that was not of your making. My experience was nothing like yours, it happened when I was much older and was actually a good experience. But I still remember having many of the same thoughts as you did. It was over 10 years till I ever told anyone about it. And that telling someone helped alot. Finding someone who understand, or a safe place like this, is really helpful. Sounds like you have a very smart best friend. Help and support each other and stay strong and continue to grow in your knowlege that what was wrongly forced upon you is not what defines you.

Hey brother we are brothers for I went threw the same abuse my story is on here if you wont to read itand yes we are survivers not victims anymore

Five years old is so young... I'm proud of you for your strength!

You are an amazing guy! You have moved way beyond victimization and are indeed a successful survivor! You know?...you can do anything you want and no mentally ill, abusive step-father will ever stop you!

Thank you:)

so sad friends..

why dont you confide in someone trustworthy

I do with close friends and my brother :)