Even A Little Its Gonna Hurt

My story is the same as many, a teacher, an opportunity a confused boy. It was the end of the school day and he told me to go to the teachers lounge to get some staples. I was so excited to be in the teachers lounge I was was rock hard. Everything made me rock hard back then, the bus ride, telling a lie or just a sudden movement. I remember I was probably gay then because in the lunch line I always lined up behind my best friend and love to rub my front against his bum. The large seam line of his jeans would tug roughly against my zipper. Neither of us ever mentioned it, but neither of us ever stopped it and we would often change places. Another time I was swimming with a boy my age in a local pond in our underwear. After we got out it was freezing and we decided to lay on each other for warmth. That day I rubbed my body on his to climax and nothing was ever said about it but after that we had many sexual experiences.

So back in the teachers lounge on that day I was not an inexperienced young boy, I did not feel wicked or evil about it at all. I could not find the staples and turned to leave. He was standing there big as life with his penis hanging out. At the time I did not understand grooming then, but I know he had been doing things to me for a while that I did not connect with sexuality. Things like grabbing my balls, asking me to shower longer after sports, twisting my **** and paying more attention to me and my wants. A big thing for a young boy.

So I did not react when he got on his knees and took my penis in his mouth and he did not move. I was surprised and when he stood up and said your turn, I said let me show you how to give a blow job. I got down and started bobbing away and he stopped me and asked where I learned that and that I was a ***** and he just wanted to mess around but I was bad.

For the next week he ignored me and I hated that, then he would call me a **** and take me in the car and make me suck him as we drove past my own home threatening to pull my head up and expose me. For some strange reason I would do anything he asked it was like I lost all self esteem and was nothing but his toy. But then I said stop, that I would tell if he touched me again and he never talked to me again, it was unreal and that hurt too.

This experience I think has cause me many relationship problems, I am still gay and proud and only interested in adult males. But I am sure my desire never to be hurt like this again has produced many walls of defense. One being a strong desire to remain in charge of my life and that has caused me to be what people would call a control freak using my money and power to lord over people. I have worked hard to over come this in all but my relationships. This happened over thirty years ago and until places like this and others I never really gave it much thought, I was well into my sexuality before this happened so I never felt molested,. but I was, and it hurt me in many ways even if just a little.

willnps willnps
51-55, M
1 Response Dec 10, 2012

It is completely understandable that you've built up walls of defense around yourself after events like this, but PLEASE believe me when I say that you are SUCH a brave and strong person for going through this. You are so worthy of love and protection and I know that one day the PERFECT person will come along and find you <3