Still My Darkest Shame

I'm not really sure how to start this... I've never really ever told anyone but here goes...
When I was about four years old I, like almost any child, was in love with going to grandmas. Not only did I love my grandmother very much but it meant that I got to spend time with my two aunts. The younger one, eight or nine at the time especially. I saw her like a big sister since, at the time, I had no siblings. What I did not know about by aunt was that she for most of her life was molested by my great uncle. I suppose it was only natural from there that she thought it to be a normal occurrence or something because when I was four she began to do the same to me. I was too young to understand and took it all as just games that made you feel good, for that is what she introduced them to me as. This went on for about five more years. After I was six I started to realize that the games were wrong and I didn't want to play anymore some things happened and I never turned down a game after that. Eventually my aunt and her best friend (I was still six) put me and her friends little brother in bed together. At first it was with our clothes on, while they watched from the foot of the bed. They commanded him to dry hump me for a while and to kiss me. They eventually got bored of this and had us take our clothes off. Luckily her friends parents came home...I don't really remember what happened after that. When I was nine years old my parents finally moved to another town and so I was free from the games. I still see my aunt she has never brought it up or said anything about it since we moved and treats me like a younger sister again but I remember. Noone in my family knows... No one but the three of us know what went on so many years ago. And now you all I guess. It is my darkest shame, the one thing I've always hidden from everyone.
Hypnotixtic Hypnotixtic
18-21, F
14 Responses Sep 11, 2012

You have nothing to be ashamed of. It was not your fault.

I'm so sorry this happened to you

I'm sorry

The shame is not yours its hers.

You don't need to feel shame. It should be your aunt's shame, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong, trust me. The moment you don't want to do something like that, it's not your fault even if you never say 'stop' or fight back. I understand the shame you feel. But you are carrying someone else's shame. You have no reason to be ashamed.

Your story is not untypical and although the shame will always be there, you can overcome it.

Hope this helps. This kind of stuff never goes away from my experience, but we accept it and "grow" over-top of it. Helping us to become what we are...for better or worse. lol I look at all life experiences, good and bad as a teachers. :)

don't be ashamed. it wasn't your fault. you have made it till here.

I was molested much older than that and still had trouble realizing why and how it was wrong. Do not be ashamed. Children are innocent until their innocence is taken from them.

You have nothing to be ashamed about doing. It wasn't your fault.

Funny how we hide stuff like that as children. I broke my silence to help my nephew, I was about 42 at the time.

It's hard to get past the shame, but the shame isn't yours. It was not your fault. Keep telling yourself that. And try to get some professional counseling. You've taken the hardest step, telling your story. I'm honored that you trust me with your secret.

It's ugly stuff. And it does transfer through families, generations.
Keep talking, it helps; won't get you over it, but it is useful.

you were very young you have nothing to be ashamed of and you should look at those days as a time that taught you to be on guard with your own children.