at the time i didnt think it was a big deal. the first time was when i was six or seven. the whole family got together and ate at burger king after a fun day at the beach. my cousins and sister were playing hide and seek. i decided to join. "well split in teams of two, your with me." said kathy (alies) pointing at me. we all agreed. i had fun exploring the maze, the colors of the playground. i was ignorent to all but fun. i had never thought about sex. i hadnt noticed her so close to me. her eyes were on me. i could feel her burning gaze shredding through me. she followed watching, hearing for someone close by. she was a predator and i was her pray. this was her hunting ground. "wait" she said turning me around. "what is it?" i asked. she then started kissing me. i didnt know how to react. this was wrong....wasnt it? she started touching me. i didnt cry or shout. i didnt even know what she was doing. she kept demanding i kiss her. so i did. as best i could.(not very good) "kate are you even looking" called another couzin somewhere else. she stopped and eyed me. her eyes said dont say a word. i didnt. "were coming." she turned towards me "dont tell anybody please." making herself sound like a victim.maybe she was a year later i fessed up to the cousin clarrisa who called looking for us.
"She did the same thing to me." she replied.

years went by and we never spoke about our sick cousin. then one day they told me clarrisa was in the hospital after trying to commit suicide. later on i found out becouse my sick cousin had touched her more often then i thougt. when clarrisa finaly got out of a mental institue she asked "why havent you told your parents?" i didnt answer.

the second time was with my neighbor.danny (age 16 at the time).danny (alies) had a ps2. he knew i likde to play his games so hed invite me. i cant remember my age (6-8) i always liked his room. it was dark. my favorite game to play was GTA san andreas. i never playd missions just had fun with it and walked around.it was all i knew how to do. then one day he made is move. "i wont let you play." he stated.
"why not?" i asked confused and dissapointed.
"rub my **** first" he said smiling. i can still remember his smile. teeth glinting eyes excited. i was his toy to play with. in his playground. at first i didnt know what he meant. he unbuttoned his pants and showed me his penis. for a while i said nothing. just watched him.
"ok" i said. this was not one of his games i liked but i didnt know what else to do. i wanted to play GTS so bad.......i did it. i regret that now so much. i think about it some nights. then it started getting to the point where if i was going to his house it was mandatory to play his game. and for some reason i kept going back to his house. i didnt really whant to. then he started showng me ****. ( i dont enjoy it to this day) pictures and videos. i wasnt the only one he did this too. i suspect someone else from down the block went through this too. anyways, one day he stopped. stopped talking to me and inviting me over to play "games".
now we drink together and smoke. ****** up i know. iv never brought up the subject. hed probably deny it anyways. he leaves to wok in the oil feilds in a couple weeks with a baby on the way. no point in rueining his life now. im not gay and i dont know why i ever gave in to his ways without a quetion. i know it sounds weird but i somehow dont think it even matters what he did to me. all it would do if i told would get my dad into killing him. litteraly my dad is a man with no boundries. hed kill. i never wanted any of that so i kept it to myself.

then there was my uncle. he used to touch my testicals. in front of my granma. she laughed. there were some other times he did the same thing. but i was 5. too young to care. his real name is chester. (no joke) chester the molester fits perfectly.

i could go in further detail but ill wait for the weekend. i need a smoke and a beer.

i blame myself everytime i think about all this. becouse it was my fault. i should have said no to danny. i did. i punched him too. but a 7 year old is no match to a 16 year old. i should have told my parents about kate too. shes a loser now. i dont even know whats become of her.

this has caused a few phsycilogical problems for both me and clarrisa. i dont know what the whole point of all of this was or why it should have been me though. the ****** up world we live in......i talk to danny almost everyday. its like it never happened. but it did. i remember. its a little hazy but its there. his smiles imprinted in my mind. kates eyes locked through mine. chesters hands through me.

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3 Responses Sep 26, 2012

i understand what you went through i got sexually molested by my father since i was born tell age 15. i'm 21 now and the police wont do anything about it. my brother sexually assaulted me when i was 15 and he was 16 by poking my breast and my grandma sexually abused me and my brother and my step mom also sexually abused me and my brother.

You should tell your parents I didn't tell mine and I regret it so much cause my uncle malested my sister and cousin after me. If this guy has a kid on the way its almost a 100% he will do it to his kid. It will never stop until they are caught.

I know how you feel because i was molested too. It was my brother. I was really young and had no clue, but it just kept happening...for years. Ive never blamed or hated my brother, but im still all screwed up about it...im not gonna put it All in a comment...but yeah..i know how you feel..

...no problem...never hard to tell the truth...