Feeling Alone

I'm not sure where to begin, no one knows my story. It's been held inside my head for 18 years. I guess the best way to start is just from the beginning. So here it goes.. This all started as far back as when I was 3 years old. At least that's the very first memory I can remember. I don't remember the beginning of it all very clearly but I do have vague memories of it. I am a female with only one other female in my family. My cousin, we'll just call her Sarah, is 5 years older than me. Sarah used to have me play a "game" with her called boyfriend and girlfriend. I was not aloud to tell anybody about our game, I was so young I didn't really understand why. In this game she would touch me "down there" and in other inappropriate places as well as make me touch her inappropriately. This continued for years, as I got older I started to know that it was bad. I would get very paranoid that everyone knew this was happening and that I would be in trouble. I finally put a stop to it when I was about 8 or 9, she had tried initiating the "game" while we were having a sleep over and I just rolled over and pretended I was sleeping. It did not continue after that and neither of us spoke of it. To this day I cannot get those memories out of my head. I feel disgusting and dirty. I know I was just a child but I feel like everyone will blame me. I have always wanted to tell someone but I am too ashamed to tell my family. Sarah is married now and I don't want to ruin her life as much as I hate her for screwing me up like this. I really just need support and for someone to try and help me understand why this happened.
LostGirl24 LostGirl24
18-21
5 Responses Dec 7, 2012

There are many of us that understand how you feel. Im sorry. You should let her know how all of that has affected you. Im pretty sure she was also molested. Doesnt give her an excuse. I hope you find a way to deal with this that works for you.

don't worry i didn't toutch her in her privates it was nudity thats all.

sadly i was just like sarah when i was 7 years old. i did something to a 4 year old girl which i feel bad about. i sexually abused a 4 year old girl out side in the woods where we were playing. i was doing naughty stuff with her older brother and she wanted to do it to i said no at first but then i gave in and said take your clothes off so she did and i played dress up with her and i put markings with markers on her stomach once her father came she told on me right away and her father was pissed!!! her father called the cops on me and the cops were nice to me because i was so young only 7 years old. i didn't get introuble. the cops just ask me what happend and that was it. it's kindof silly calling the cops on a 7 year old but thats just my openion.

i'm sorry sarah did that to you it's mest up because you were both so young that the police certainly can't do anything about it if she was a teenager maybe. i got molested by my bio father since i was born tell age 15 i am now 21 years old and the dumb police in pine city minnesota wont do anything about it. i know how you feel.

Sexual abuse is a hard thing to get over, I know because I am fifty and still have problems dealing with being sexually abused by a male neighbor at a very young age. My advice to you is get counseling, and maybe at some point write a letter to your abuser. let them know how the abuse effected your life and let them have an opportunity to reply to you. it may be possible that she was abused by someone, and was acting out the abuse with you. People who are abused as children tend to become very promiscuous as teenagers and into adulthood. It is not your fault you were abused, you were a child, and she was to. Sometimes talking to other people is healing when you have so many bad feelings inside about yourself. Just remember it was not your fault, and you are a good person.

Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate all of your advice. Like I had said I haven't told anyone so this is all very new to me. It's very comforting to know that there are other people who know how I am feeling inside. Thank you again.