The Ramblings of a CSA Survivor

I'm not sure where to start with all of this, and I have to apologize up front for poor grammer, spelling and sentence structure. When I start typing or writing about this stuff my PTS kicks up and I just get going and can't stop to re-read or I will just delete it all. But I have to get this out, I have to speak and know that people hear me. I do not want sympathy, I do not want anyone to take my pain away or to feel bad for me. I just want to be heard.

The pain, the hell, the demons, the monsters inside that have tormented me since I was young have helped me to be a stronger and better person. They have helped me to see others through eyes that are not judgmental, they have helped me to be more kind, more full of love, more compassionate, more understanding, more caring and more willing to serve others.

That all being said I wish what happened would have never happened. But it did and there is nothing I can do about it now except work on healing myself, and being a light to others who are, or who have, gone through traumatic events as a child.

I'm not sure how much I'm ready to share on a public forum such as this. It was just 5 days ago that I was finally able to validate the molestation that happened to me between age 6 and 7. It has been a roller coster of a week, full of emotions, a few breakdowns, and a lot of holding the vault door closed so that to much of this does not come spilling out all at once.

I spent the first part of the week researching therapists that have experience working with adults who were molested as children and especially making sure they were educated in many of the feelings and issues that follow such traumatic events. I found one I believe is very good. I sent her an email with a high level overview of the hell my life has been, (when I say hell I mean internal hell, most of my life on the outside has been pretty good certainly not perfect but pretty good) any way I had a good 30 minute call with her which felt very validating and comforting. I was not a sicko, a monster, a horrible person, a societal outcast, no, not any of those things. I was dealing with what so many others who have been molested have and are dealing with.

Why, why, why did it take so long for this to come out; I don't know, shame, fear, insecurities, and probably a dozen other feelings that I just don't have the mental strength to think about right now. I'm so glad it finally did though. The healing can start and has started. Suddenly there is a connection to the nightmares, the suicidal feelings, the anger, the disconnect, the wanting to run away from my self but never being able to, the wish that God would take me home, the wish that I would get in a accident and die, the alcohol and the drugs, the smoking all of which I have not used for over 13 years but often long for so that I can hide from myself. Wanting to crash my car into the concrete barriers on the freeway at a high speeds, every-time I used a saw wanting to cut my hand or arm off and bleed out. Wanting to grab the steering wheel of the adult driving the car and swerve us off the road and into a ditch. Wanting to jump out my window, or any high place I was on with a ledge. It was all making so much since the feelings all reached far back to that horrible awful day. They day that It happened.

Sadly this is just a piece of the iceberg, yet gratefully I have already recognized so much of my hurt that was not because I was a bad person, a demented person or a person which was born with deep emotional issues. I was a very sensitive, innocent, trusting, caring, and loving 7 year old boy that was molested by his Doctor and every-time I talked about it upsetting me I was told it was a medical procedure that was not handled in the best way, eventually I quit reporting it and accepted it for what I was told it was.

But that did not make it go away, it only concealed it and invalidated me by those I love and trusted the most. They are still those I love and trust most, they did not know, and they would have never ever let something bad happen to me intentionally. They were just uneducated with such things and it was a time when such things were not really reported to discussed much.

I think I will end this rambling for the time being. I know I did not go into details and if at some point I find in necessary for my healing to share such detail I will. I however know there are certain individuals that get off on reading stories of childhood sexual abuse and I do not wish to give such an outlet, those individuals need counseling and help and not more fuel to their fires.

I love God and Jesus Christ, I know the things that have happened to me are not their faults, but rather that people here have their agency to chose for themselves. I chose to do good with what has happened, I chose to give, and comfort, and serve, and share with others in need of comfort, to love, show compassion, and give a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

I know what the atonement is and what it means to me, and know that I can receive comfort in its purest form through him that has suffered all. Him that knows all the pain, has felt all the pain, and can succor his children.

Till my next post if there is one.


Tjol Tjol
31-35, M
8 Responses Jan 13, 2013

Thank you for sharing. I know how hard it is to share as I just started the healing process myself. It takes courage to opening share something this traumatic.

I was molested when I was 2 by my father and when I was 7 for over a year by my brother. I couldn't figure out why I went through a period in my teens of self-hate and self-loathing, however I never did drugs, but got into self mutilation and found composing and performing music therapeutic in my teenage years.

This past weekend I finally let my mom and my step-father know and have both been very supportive of me. It's still hard to talk about, but I'm pushing myself to heal so that I can get through this.

At times I'm scared of myself. At times I want to kill myself. I live in an urban area and for several years now I keep imagining jumping off a bridge, in front of a bus, or into the train tracks. It means a lot to me to read this. Thanks again.

I can relate to a lot of this! Thanks so much. This is better than counseling.

Tjol, your post has touched me in a way that has made me want to respond. Your first few paragraphs could have been written by my own hand. Your strength and fortitude in the face of all that you have endured has given me the strength to continue moving forward. I was abused as a child for 4 years by my father. Outwardly, one would never have known. I was an overachiever both academically and athletically. But inwardly the self loathing and self deprivation ran rampant. In my mid-30's I finally did say something as I was very very close to committing suicide and had 2 children at the time. Long story short..... I found a good therapist and have been working on the issues ever since. Oddly enough, I just had a really bad weekend and reading your post put things back into perspective for me. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your courage in putting things out there. I thank you for a renewed sense of hope and worth. God Bless

I felt all the same emotions for the lo fest time..I was molested to at a young age by my moms bf & I've only told friends &u therapist but at first when it all surfaced again in highschool, I was a wreck. Doing drugs , having sex just cause, tellin people is hurt myself n wanted to die all the time. Then I crash & cry for hours after I thought these horrible thins about myself & then I started to heal. I've opened up about it & not ashamed to take a stand to help other. I'm a happy kind full of love & just want to help others. I believe God did It to me because he knows I can handle it & he knew u could too. There, unfortunately, has to be a balance in this world, & that happens to be one of them.

Thanks for sharing with me, and taking the time to read my ramblings. I'm sorry that you too have had to suffer the abuse, the turmoil, and the conflicts within your self that come from such a horrible thing as sexual abuse.

I believe God knows you can handle it, just as he knows I can handle it, but I know he did not do it to me. Does he let bad things happen to good people? Certainly all the time, but he does not do bad things to people; it is quite the contrary he will be the one to help the good things come into your life if you let him.

If you have the question of why would he let it happen send me an email and I will elaborate. I don't want to come across as a preacher but I do have a love for God and for his son Jesus Christ and I have had the opportunity to come to know them better and have found nothing more strengthening or empowering to me than what they have to offer. They are certainly the reason I have some sanity, and have chosen to do good with my life. That being said I do not wish to push my beliefs on anyone, rather share the good things that I have found that bring me peace and happiness.

All my love and support to you,

M

My heart goes out to you, I was also molested as far back at age 2. My mother was killed in a car accident when I was 6, my brother and sister and myself had to go live with our father whom we hardly saw he lived in another state. Then again it started over physical and sexual and mental abuse until I was able to move out. Never told anyone,

It is absolutely awful I know. I can't think of a worse feeling then when it happens. I hate that so many of us have gone through such torment because of the selfish, inappropriate, violating actions of others. I hate that so many are still going through it and that even more will have to go through it. The statistics are 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are molested, however they believe the numbers for boys to be underestimated.

Also I want to tell you that to me telling someone felt like it would be sudden death. It was the worst thing I could possibly imagine doing. It happened because It came down to sudden death or death and I chose the first. It was hard, very very very very hard to do, but now that I have done it I feel freed from prison, I feel stronger than I have ever been, yet I still feel a little scared and vulnerable; however, I must say that I have never felt so normal, so much burden lifted off my shoulders, so much pain removed from my soul, so much of my life finally being able to move past the barriers that have been there than I do now that I have spoken up and told someone, and I find the more people I trust that I can share it with the stronger I feel. If you can find the strength to share on here, and the strength to seek out a good therapist and the strength to find a group of survivors that meet to strengthen each other you will likely find that you feel some freedom you have not yet felt.

Thank you for sharing that part of your story with me, thank you for trusting me enough to share. That to courage, that shows how truly brave your are.

All my love.

M

you are very strong to write this and very corageous my friend... I'm sorry that no one took the time to listen to you and that they watered it down basically because it was easier for them to deal with it... You have my best regards in the following healing it will lead you to... Thank you for sharing...

It was your story that really helped me to share this, so thank you, and thank you for reading my story and your comments.

Being completely invalidated the way I was definitely played a very large role in shaping many feelings, and stirred up many emotions my entire life. It would have been real nice if that had not happend either, but it did and so I have the opportunity to gain from it.

I feel that I should clarify a little about the invalidation, I know that in my ramblings I did not go into lots of deep details so let me add this. I know their is absolutely no fault on the person, they were not trying to avoid it at the time they honestly thought that they where giving me correct information, and that I was just a very sensitive child and reacting to a medical procedure that I was taking as something else. To this day they are my most trusted advisor, it was that individual that I trusted enough to go to with this first, and that individual who helped me to recognize and even validate what had happened. They had no idea that this was affecting me. It was a while later that more things happened that made them see that this Doctor was not being professional but by that time they figured I had accepted it as medical and that there was no need to bring up the past if I was not hurting.

You my friend are amazing, I hurt for the sorrows and pains you have been through, your sufferings have surely been greater than mine. I admire your courage, your strength and your desire to be the best you can be; to heal from your horrific abuse and to raise your children with love and not hate, with peace and not fear, and with strength and not weakness. To stand tall as a survivor, to stand tall in front of the stereo types and the labels that the ignorant often try to put on those who have had such experiences. I have no doubt that you have been a light to many and will be a light to many more. Thank you for being who you are.

M

But u didn't say who it was , how , why

if you read it the writer said the age, and by who.... the why and the how need not known as the writer states below that the writer doesn't want to at this point go into detail and that the writer doesn't want certain people that read stories of abuse and get off on it doing so... please respect that.. i am not saying you don't but by this i would say you didn't even really read it... it takes alot to just aknowledge it and for that and this writing the writer is very corageous in my book...

Thank you for your comments J.
Ashley0729 what were you looking for in my story that you did not receive? If you are in need of some comfort, help or validation how may I help to give you that. Let me know I, if I can share it I will.

The WHO was my Pediatrician, The HOW was by his position and authority, the WHY I do not know. The WHAT you did not ask about, and I did not share. I may or may not ever share that, but who knows I'm just starting to go through this process of dealing with this.

M