Enough Already!!

The first time i was molested it was by my mother's boyfriend. I was four. I remember everything like it happened this morning. He would wait until my mom went to work and come get me out of bed and make me give him blow jobs. Sometimes he would call me away from the dinner table or away from playing with my brothers and keep me in their bedroom for what seemed like days.That went on for months, until i finally told my mom. We were in the car and she slammed on the breaks so hard i about slipped out of my seat belt. My mom took me to a bunch of doctors and i was tested for every STD out there. I remember watching my mom cry for hours and remember thinking i never wanted her to go through that again.

The second time,i was five and it was by our landlord. And again another boyfriend. It went on for yet again a few months. He had a cocker spaniel named Gypse. He would tell me to stick my tounge in his mouth and let him put his in mine, and would "make out" with me for a while. He called it a "Gypse Kiss" because that's how dogs kiss. I remember one time, my mom had to go pick up my older brothers and she left me and my little brother with him. He said "hey, i have an idea. Let's play hide and seek" excited my little brother and i took off in different directions. He found me first, he pulled me out from under the bed and laid on top of me. He began "dry humping" me and kissing me. My little brother (sick of hiding in the hall closet) busts in the room and says "i'm done playing can we do something else" Startled he jumped off me and said "well, your sister's it now, but i guess you two can go outside if you stay close" so we did. I didn't tell my mom because of us JUST going through it not even a year before.

The third time, i was six and a half. Luckily this time it only happened once. It was by a neighbor boy who was friends with my older brothers. He was probably about eleven or twelve (still basically a baby himself) I had a HUGE crush on him and i wanted to be his "girlfriend" he came upstairs and began touching on me. I started crying and he said "this is what boyfriends and girlfriends do" I got up and ran downstairs and sat in my mom's lap and just cried. I couldn't tell her about this one either, all i could do i cry. I told her i wanted my daddy and she said "your daddy is a bucket head" (not knowing what was wrong she was just trying to cheer me up) i replied with "my daddy is not a bucket head" then we did the "no he's not, yes he is" thing until she switched and said "no he's not" then i said "yes he is" she laughed and just held me closer.

The fourth time, i was ten. It was by her now exhusband. (the second guy that molested me was actually AT their wedding...) I would wake up late at night to him sitting at the end of my bed watching me sleep and touching me.The first night I just laid there too scared to move, pretending to sleep. He got up and left the room and as soon as the door shut, my eyes shot open and i couldn't for the life of me get them to shut again. He came back in and said "hey sleepy head, you awake?" i shook my head "yes" and he said "well go back to sleep honey, there's nothing to worry about" and got up and left. A few nights after that he was in my room again but this time my mom caught him but he hadn't started touching me yet. I heard them arguing while whispering and she told him to get out. The next day i decided to talk to her about it since she saw him in there. All i got out was "mommy, Rick has been coming in my room" and she interupted and said "i took care of it" the conversation was never brought up again. She kicked him out two weeks later.

When i was 19 i finally told her about everything that had happened. She started crying and asked why i never told her. I said "i just couldn't keep putting you through it" she said that i should have because she could have protected me...i was too busy protecting her. I don't really know how i feel about all of these men, i feel nothing. No anger, no hatred, quite litterally nothing...i don't know what i'm supposed to feel. When i think about it, i go through it again, but it's almost like a movie, something that happened but not to me, i went through it but i was gone. I can almost feel every minute of the molestations, but the emotion i had durring them was nothing...i left myself. I learned to detatch myself from reality, and i still feel empty sometimes. I feel like my life is never going to be good. The molestings is only a fraction of the abuse i've been through. Don't get me wrong i have lots to be thankful for but it's like every time i get a little closer to recovering from one thing another MAJOR thing happens and i'm back at square one. I've been molested, raped, physically mentally and emotionally abused, been in multiple domestic violence situations, cheated on....blah blah blah. I think you see my point. I just don't understand why this has to happen to one person. I know there are people who have been molested but i'm the only one i know that has had it happen this many times and this close in ages. I feel like the abuse never going to end. I feel like i have a damn target painted on my forehead. Why can't someone just take care of me and be good to me. None of you know me, but i really am a good person. I deserve to have a good life...or at least a better one
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 13, 2013