My Sister Molested Me
So, I was 4 yrs old when my sister first molested me. She's 3 yrs older than me, so she was 7yrs old. This continued everyday during play time until i was 8yrs old. It was a game she wanted to play. She never told me or made me feel like it was wrong, or not to tell mom and dad. I didn't know at teh age of 4 that what she was doing was wrong. The last time she did it was after moved and I was probably about 10 yrs old. I didn't remember it for a long time. I was 18 yrs old when i started to remember it. It began as nightmares, and then during the day sometimes I would see her and get flash backs, and would feel dirty, and angry. I had issues with my parents. I blamed them and felt and still sometimes feel angry at them. My mom was a stay at home mom and was right down stairs when this would go on.
I hated talking to my mom about it when she found out. She found my journal and read about it. She said she knew something wasn't right. Even told me she had tried to ask me about it....she said she would ask if "someone was doing something to me?" I always said no. I had no clue. I think I hated her even more to know that she knew something was wrong. I felt like she should have done more. Then my Dad was told. He flipped out! Then came the talk between my sister and my parents. She denied it. I had to sit in my room and listen to them tell her that they believed her, and listen to her cry and scream, "why would she say i did those things!"
Growing up I had a lot of rage and anger. I hit kids and acted out. I even threw my glasses out the window once riding down the highway. I think after it was out in the open i felt more at ease, but then there was all this hurt and pain to deal with. My father thought the best way to deal with this was to go for family therapy. Worst idea ever! They were not the ones needing help. I was! It only made things worse at home. Then a month into it the Dr. said i was manic depressive. Started to list all the meds I could be put on to help. That was it for Dad! No daughter of his was manic depressive or needed to be put on medication for somethings mentally wrong.
I think he took too great offense. What they don't know nor got brought up was all the self mutilation that went on. I would take my fist and just hit my head til it hurt, and past the point of it hurting. I would punish myself. I wouldn't allow myself to eat, or not have things I wanted. It was all about controll. Thoughts of suicide, even tried to find my dad's pistol because I was just so ready for it to be over with....this pain I felt in my head.
I'm 29 yrs old now and since we left that therapist office I have been on my own dealing with this. My mom and I were arguing one day in the car 6 months after it all came out and she said to me "I don't even know if THIS is even true or not!" Wow, she thought I was lying?! Why would I lie about this? Why would I try to tear my family apart with such a lie? After that day it never got talked about. My dad never mentions it, my mom doesn't say a word, nor does my sister.
I feel so alone. During all those years it was not a loud to be talked about. I don't know if they convinced themselves that it never happend, and just pray I never bring it up or what. I don't feel that if I am manic depressive that it's that bad.....course then I have an episode and I think maybe it is. The last two episodes have been triggered by my parents. I don't eat, I don't sleep much. I feel tired, but can't sleep. I hit a dead end, and this last time i was taking a kitchen knife and cutting at my arm. Lucky for me a friend interveened and it didn't get worse.
I scare myself when I get that bad.
I still have issues with my sister. I told my mom over Labour Day weekend that I wished she would just leave me alone, and that if she never called me never bothered me again I would be happy. This is the first I've even brought up anything closely related to how i feel about what happend. I've done some of my own digging and have even found some free help, it's not medically treated but just someone to talk to that has more knowledge about life in general than i do.
When I start making some more money I want to go back to therapy, find out if I am manic depressive, or bi polar. I want to get rid of this pain and hurt I still hold onto. To find me again. To be happier and feel like I have more controll over my life.