Can't Forgive Him

It took me a long time to write my story. I'm going to spare the details. I was molested by my oldest brother from the time I was 9 till about 12 or 13. I was really withdrawn as a child and I am still in the process of putting my life back together. I am currently in therapy and am working through the hurt that I felt as a child. Overall in my life I would say that I'm successful. I'm smart, I have my MBA, I have a loving family, and a bright future ahead of me. I still feel stuck. I feel like I can deal with my past and I can work through it but I still struggle with the relationship status of my brother and myself. He began a cycle of sexual abuse and ****** ran rampant in my immediate family. I have 7 siblings and all have been affected in some aspect. As adults we have acknowledged the events that took place. We have forgiven each other for any pain that we may have caused. We are healing together. Everyone is acknowledging the past except my brother. He will speak to me as if things were ok. He never apologized for the behavior that he displayed and he never gave an explanation. Part of me wants to know why...the other part of me just wants to move forward in my life without him. I can forgive him for myself so that I am not holding that burden but I can't forgive him and be his sister. He betrayed me and he hurt me more than anyone in the world. He didn't care about me and he still displays an attitude of blame instead of accountability. I am not in contact with my brother but he calls me randomly. I really don't have anything to say to him but I try to be respectful. I'm tired of being respectful and holding back my feelings. I can't forgive him and I don't know what I should do.
a8willia a8willia
26-30
3 Responses Aug 1, 2010

Littlemouse1984 and Moridori, thank you so much for your comments. I'm glad my story have given you courage. In situations like ours, we can feel so alone; I'm glad that others can relate to the hurt and pain. I wrote this story two years ago. So much has happened since then. I confronted my brother about a year ago. I just wanted answers, I wanted a reason for the hurt and pain that he caused me. A part of me was nervous but I felt it was the right time. I told my brother how he made me feel and how I feel about him and our relationship. Surprisingly, my brother didn't shift the blame. He apologized to me for the hurt and the pain that he caused. He asked me for his forgiveness. Why, why, why....Ive always wanted to know why. Why your own flesh and blood? Why didn't you stop after I asked you to do so over and over again? My brother told me that my older cousins started touching him when he was younger and that he was exposed to *********** at an early age. He said he needed help but he didn't have any one to talk to. I asked him if he ever received help....he has not. I got off the phone with him not knowing how to feel. Did he tell the truth? Is he really sorry? Do I want a relationship with him? I am still in therapy at this time. I have grown tremendously. It's hard to learn how to express emotions when you lived your whole life behind a mask. I have had to learn to trust others, to forgive myself, to let go of the shame and to move forward. Overcoming abuse has been a challenge. There was something about me that made me a target for others. I am stronger now. I am confident. I stand up for myself. I cherish every part of my body. I feel more whole again. I still don't have a relationship with my brother; my emotional and mental health are more important to me right now. Life can get better....keep working on putting yourself together. Moridori...you should tell someone you trust. Letting it out is hard but it is worth every tear, every memory, every flashback. It is the way we heal. I want you to be safe. I lived with my secrets for so long...my body was suffering as a result of it. Thanks for your insight Littlemouse1984. I am definitely in a different place. I'm a good person with a ton to offer; those who aren't a part of my life are missing out. Both of you can reach out to me anytime. We can get through this with eachothers support.

My story is oddly similar to yours. My brother molested me when I was a kid and was 11 years older than me. There are 5 children in our family, 3 boys and 2 girls. He molested me and my sister and my oldest brother. For some reason he didn't bother one of my brothers, but that brother may not be able to admit anything to himself or the rest of us. Personally I have hated my brother for the pain he has cause the whole family. Like your brother, he has no sense of remorse for what he has done. He tried to ruin my life quite frankly, so at the age of 18 I finally shut him out. Didn't pick up the phone. That was 10 years ago. I finally worked up the courage to write him a letter explaining how much pain he has caused me and my family and pretty much explaining why I don't desire to have a relationship with him ever. I told him to get help because he is a monster. My dad is pretty close to him which makes me sick. I've not been protected by my dad. The big problem is that people like our demented brothers are most likely hurting other people. I feel that they need to be exposed. I can't advise you to do anything, but in my experience, writing that letter has helped me regain some power in my life. I don't have to pretend that what he did was ok. It wasn't. He lost a sister that he could have had a healthy relationship with. Just know that you didn't do anything to deserve this and you don't need to feel sorry for him.

PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE! HE DESERVES IT!

He does deserve it but I will lead that up to karma