The Begining

Writing this anywhere is not easy. I will start with where I am now. My brother died about 5 years ago from AIDS.  I miss him.

As a young boy I was very alone. My brother was the closest to me in age. He was born gay, no doubt,  I am not sure about me... I was always the 'boy' climbing tress, swimming in streams, catching animals...

My brother molested me at 8 years old. I did not hate it, I think I was so desperate for attention that any attention I got was fine with me.

He would bring older men home to have sex. I would get jealous and would do all I could to get them away from my brother, including have sex with them.

I believe I am gay because I became that way through experience - I was trained to be gay - it matters little how, now.

My brother did not molest me out of rage, hate, but out of his desperation - I know that now. He was desperate for attention and love - just as I was.

Before he died I was blessed with one true experience of brotherhood - even if it was unspoken.

He was sick with PCP (look it up) and I was next to him. It occurred to me that no one on earth or in heaven was as much like me as him. We shared DNA and experience - we were brothers. Sitting there I understood AND FELT what "Brother" means for the first time in my life. Less than a year later he was dead (for three days before he was found 3000 miles away)...

I think he felt it too.

He has left me with many things (inside and out) - one of the most meaningful is a song - by Annie Lennox " a Thousand Beautiful Things" It is his message of hope and life to me from his grave. It was his last favorite song... a sad commentary - but a message of hope.

Every day I write the list
Of reasons why I still believe they do exist
(a thousand beautiful things)
And even though it's hard to see
The glass is full and not half empty
(a thousand beautiful things)
So... light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
Never close my eyes

I thank you for the air to breathe
The heart to beat
The eyes to see again
(a thousand beautiful things)
And all the things that's been and done
The battle's won
The good and bad in everyone
(this is mine to remember)
So ...
Here I go again
Singin' by your window
Pickin' up the pieces of what's left to find

The world was meant for you and me
To figure out our destiny
(a thousand beautiful things)
To live
To die
To breathe
To sleep
To try to make your life complete
(yes yes)
So ...
Light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
never close my eyes ...
That is everything I have to say
(that's all I have to say)

Brother - I love you.

enuf enuf
41-45, M
14 Responses Feb 18, 2008


That is the sweetest thing I have ever HEARD!

I can't seem to get through my own shame and guilt from my experience. my brother molested me when i was six. after that, we were never really close. i don't hate him though, which is something you and i have in common. but unlike you, i hate myself for what i've become. i never open up to the people around me and have lived behind a mask my whole life, trying to cover the real me, unable to show emotion or love to anyone. I really blame myself for it, not my brother. i wish i could be as brave as you and embrace life with such a positive attitude. maybe one day i can. thank you so much for sharing your story.

I'll tell you one thing- I wanted to have sex with grown men. Or boys. I was molested at 8 years old and I don't know if that's what made me so sexual. I'd ********** every time I got the chance. I had intense ******* at the age of 8 or 9. Thank God I did not grow up to be a child molester myself.

WIlliam 1492 - It is possible but my brother and I were different at birth. He was born very feminine and loved dolls, dresses, etc... he was just different from the time he was born. <br />
I have not doubt he was molested by neighbors but I am convinced he was born gay simply because he was very different from birth.

If you can believe that you are a product of your environment - trained to be gay as you said,...why could that have not been the case with your brother? I found out that someone who messed with me as a child...had also messed with two of my older brothers. Also,...there was a man who lived near the high school in a town where I grew up...who once molested me. My older siblings went to high school in that town, and that man was a well-known figure in that town. It stands to reason that he could have easily molested many others, including my older brothers, as one of them had a friend near that area whom he often visited in those days. I once saw that same man also at a time of swimming (publicly) where he had some older boys or young men with him dressed in speedo-type swimbriefs. I think he likely made a move on lots of local youths. So, it can easily be that maybe your brother suffered similarly -- some local person/s sexually abusing him until he simply gave up trying to fight it.

This was a very touching, heart felt story. Thank you for sharing with us. There is another group that I think this story would fit into vey well. It is "I know someone who died of AIDS". I have written a story for the group about my cousin Steve entitled "He Was My First Cousin". I was never molested by anyone at a young age or older for that matter. I admire the growth and progress that you have made in your own life and I understand the love that you had for your big brother without regard to the trauma involved.<br />
God Bless you and your brother,<br />

I don't even know where to begin. I recently discovered that me and my blood brother are going through the same experience. I told him I was molested as a child by several different guys and one night we were drinking and it just happened. I'm still trying to sort it all out, but I think this message board is a good place to start and your story is the closest thing I've found to my recent events. Thank you for sharing, it's helped me.

Thank you for the love and support everyone! Its all good :-) Life just gets better and better with time as I learn to genuinely love and allow myself to be genuinely loved.

You are a brave and wonderful human being. Continue to work on this and all other issues. Remember that all work you do will result in something good in the end. Peace and blessings.<br />
<br />

I usually numb myself from the world around but this has gotten through to one of those deep recesses. <br />
Your compassionate view has actually changed the way I see and remember mine.<br />
Never did I expect this kind of story when I came to visit this group. <br />
Thank you for writing this and, in a way, giving voice to many.<br />
Most of us will remain silent where you've shown the courage to be honest. <br />
I, too, am very sorry for the loss of your brother. <br />
Wishing you all the best!

This touched me. I'm really sorry for your loss.

Wow. If all the world had such beautiful thoughts and feelings, methinks the Earth would be a much better place.<br />
<br />
Bad things happen. But that doesn't mean life in general is bad. *Hugs*

You are the most amazing and wonderful man. Remember love comes in different forms for different people. We also carry now more than one bond. <br />