Its Not Over

When I was 5 years old it started. My older cousin Kevin began to touch me. He came over my house almost every weekend for 4 years. He would take my hand and lead me under the table in my basement. When I took my naps he would climb into my bed with me. He even took me behind my house and touch me. I didn't know any better so i went along with it. When I turned 8 I finally realized that what he was doing to me wrong. But I couldn't tell anyone because I thought they wouldn't want me anymore. Because I was a dirty girl, and dirty girls don't deserve love. When I was 9 my grandma came to visit us from Colombia. My mom was throwing a party for her arrival. It was around 10pm and i was sleepy so i went to go sleep. 30 min later he climbed into bed with me. I already knew the drill for when he came into bed with me. I took off my clothes and just laid there. He would do what he usually did. But tonight was different. In the middle of what he was doing to me, my grandma walked in. She screamed and stood there in shock for around 20 seconds. Then she grabbed my arm and dragged me out of bed. She began to yell at me "you dirty girl! he is your cousin, why did you do this?!" The look on her face was burnt into my memory. It was a mixture of disbelief, anger, and disappointment. This would be the last time I would be allowed alone with a boy. They still think that i let him do this to me. I kind of belive them. They think that Kevin is a wonderful guy and would never do this to his younger cousin so it must be my fault for seducing him. Soon after this he would move away to Colombia. Only a few of my closest friends know about this. I would have nightmares about him touching me. He was one of the reasons why i was suicidal. He is a reason why i used to cut myself. And last December he moved back to New York to finish High School. He lived in my house for 3 months. He touched me again. No one knows about him touching me during those 3 months. He moved back to Colombia because I refused to be his "cousin with benefits". I feel dirty. What should I do because I feel like I am not the only girl he touched with those dirty dirty hands.

I wrote this in confesstion, then after that i found this group and i thought i would share it
WatchMeFall WatchMeFall
13-15, F
3 Responses Jul 17, 2010

Wow que hijuemadre. I hope his time comes one day, Karma is something so true and he will get bad karma for hurting someone . In Colombia if he gets caught you know how it is over there, an angry father will take his life its not like over here with the law. I am sorry for what happened and i truly hope your better and stay strong. Me pudes inbox me si quieres. =)

thank you so much, he no longer lives in new york anymore so i do not need to worry about him touching me. i allways think of others before myself so it would be a challange for me to think of me first. and again thank you so very much for reading my story and being there for me.

your not a dirty girl because of it, you didn't know, it's his fault you know, i'm sorry that that happened to you. . .you shouldn't let him do it to you anymore and show him that you're stronger and stop him from doing it verbally. . .as long as you know that it's not your fault you can find help like from teachers or whoever you look up too and if you're mom isn't going to help, find help. . .because in this world no one deserves any of this crap from these kind of people. . .be strong and do whats best for you, not the best of the people