I Molested My Cousins

We still all see each other. For a while in high school, we were closer and even hung out once in a while, but never talked about it. Even when we were mad at each other, it was never brought up. I was never worried that it would be, not in the same way that you hold a secret back for the time when you can bring it out to hurt each other. I knew it was off limits.

My family came from the middle east in the late 70s and early 80s. My mother got married to a flamboyant drug loving playboy shortly after she had arrived. Soon after, while pregnant, her dream started crumbling around her. She was never the working type, and used me as a pawn to hurt my father. My fathers delve into drugs got worse and his life also started spiraling out of control. I moved around with my mother from apartment to apartment often spending time with her mother. Visitations with my father were spent on vegas binges where I would be in security paging my father till 4am when he would pick me up and punish me for leaving the hotel room. I was spanked and beaten with a wire coat hanger regularly to the point where I was called out of school to defend him to a plain clothed officer and a school aid.

I was an angry child. I took my anger out on anyone close to me. When I couldn't upset people, I was confused. I remember being welcomed into my friends house after I did my usual antics in front of his parents being loud and yelling. I spent the day in his room afraid to come out because I couldn't accept the welcome they were giving me.

In all of this chaos, family was constantly coming in from back home. They would stay with my grandmother, my mother and I while they were situated. I remember not being allowed to play with them like other people would be allowed to. It was probably evident that I needed help and special attention. While we all lived together, I remember molesting them at least once, a boy and a girl. We were all about the same age. I remember being molested by my father with the same vagueness.

My life until my 20s was chaotic. After a series of events, I moved in with my father and was arrested for drugs that were his. The details of the arrest were unimportant, rather that I chose to live with him was absolutely stupid. My depression caused me to stop eating to the point where I was losing large clumps of hair. I attempted suicide and was in a mental hospital for a month. I spent the next few years piecing my life back together with the confusion of an infant. My first few months in therapy were spent putting names on the feelings I was having. I have since gone back to school and graduated from college. After years of therapy, I am able to have regular relationships with people and I am working on personal goals for myself. I volunteer often and run a small non profit organization.

I don't know how they have dealt with it, if they have told each other or told anyone else. I doubt they have. I have never brought it up to anyone outside of a counseling office. It is about 24 years later and I rarely think about what I have done to them. I mostly think about what was done to me. In no way do I excuse my actions as a child, but I can see what caused me to act out that way. I am sorry for what I did, but feel like bringing it up now will make matters worse. We see each other for holidays and the like, and they call me for advice in the field I work in.

This is my apology to them. If they ever the events up, I hope I have the courage to apologize to them. Unfortunately, I can not take back what I have done.
offering offering
9 Responses Jan 25, 2011

You mention that they were about the same age. So unless you forced them in some way I'm not sure "molestation" is the right word. Rather a bit of incestuous sex play which is actually quite common amongst siblings and especially cousins who are a degree removed in relation but often allowed the same physical intimacy as siblings (bathing bed sharing etc). I had a brief fondling episode in a lakeside bath house with a girl cousin who was a year older when I was 8 or so. after barging in on me while i was naked she "made it up to me" by disrobing in front of me and letting me see and touch. She was definitely the initiator but I don't think I was traumatized by it and remember the incident fondly. sort of fondly. She brought it up once at a family function a few years ago which made me feel funny just the same. I could have done without it. I would say that if your cousins seem to be happy and normal..let it go. Not every thing in life has to be rehashed later. Not the politically correct answer I know but we spend so much time agonizing over sex. I sometimes wish we did it like fish.

I think you should call them and tell them all this. They are probably struggling with the after affects of sexual abuse too and it could really help them heal. I'm sorry for all you have gone through and think you are such a strong person!

It's amazing that u want to apologize. Most ppl who have done what you've done wouldn't apologize at all. You are amazing. Thank u! (-:

Mental abuse and sexual abuse that happened to you was horrible and I am sorry that had happened to you. I believe to thing your mind was not in the right fr<x>ame of mind when you did what you did to other people. I am glad that you did get the help you needed though.

It's honorable of you to apologize for what you did.

I really dont feel that an apology would help, especially after all these years. My cousin who molested me apologized and I could never forgive him. But that's just me.

the fact that you even want to take back what you did is just amazing... <br />
thank you.

Im very sorry for what happend to you and for you appologizing for what you did and understanding what you did was wrong was good to do. I think that your cousins have forgiven you because they probably understand you had a rough life.

wow u really had a rough childhood. I'm sorry.

wow u really had a rough childhood. I'm sorry.