I Fooled Around With My Cousins And Was Molested

When i was younger my cousisn and i would fool around. it was more than one of them. i dont know when it started or how it started.. i was very young.. A CHILD! i did that with like 5 of my guy cousins. 3 of them were brothers but i dont know how that started or happend. i was really young and i barely remember but i think that something did happen where we would fool around. then 2 of my cousins came to stay at my moms house. we started to fool around also. this stopped by the time i was 13. i felt so disgusted and dirty. with 2 of my cousins i remember that they would suck on my boobs. and one of them fingered me and i would fool around with him alot.. i would jerk him off and everything we would also dry hump.. i never had sex with any of them though & liike i said.. this finally stopped when i was 13.. they were older than me. like 3 & 5 years older than me .. i felt like i was the one that started all of this and innitiaated it but i really dont remember i was so young. none of my cousins knew that i would fool aroudn with all of them ... i feel so disgusting. i dont know why this happened to my or why... i hate myself for it so much i wish i didnt have to go through this... i wish this would have never of happened.. i try to not think about it but it always haunts me.. it makes me feel dirty and then also, when i was younger, i thnk i got molested my a guy that lived with us.. like i said i was younger than 7 or 8 so i dont remember but im sure he molested me.. also.. there was another cousin that i hated and he also molested me and touched me when i was sleeping.. i woke up and told my mom but she said that i was probably just dreaming so i never talked baout it again.My past haunts me everyday and i dont know why i did all those things.. why me??? i would never do that now.. and i still live withmy cousins and talk to them on a regular basis.. i dont hate them! i really do love my cousins(not in that way though) i am 19 years old now and we dont talk about it... i dont ever want to talk about it... no one knows but me and them and i feel so ashamed... why me? recently i have fallen into a deep depression.. i never thought about what had happened as much i think about it now... i hate myself.. i feel dirty.. and when i look at them i cant believe we did all those things... i wish it wouldnt have happened.i hate myself and my life for it.. recently i have had suicidal thoughts but i know that ic ould never go through with it.. my biggest fear is what would my mom think or do if she ever found out.. she would hate my and think im disgusting ...i wish i didnt have to go through all this... im going to hell.. i feel it! i want to black out that part of my childhood and not remember i just want forget it.. i havent seeked therapy because i dont know how i would open up about that to a complete stranger.. i hate myself so much eachday!!! i dontk now why i let it go on for so many years and i dont know why i would do it or how it started but its all my fault.. i thnk im the one who  started everything.. i dont know how im ever going to get through this ... im 19 and i still have a whole life ahead of me.. i am going to live that life in fear because no one knows my deepest darkest secret.. what would my familly think? i hate myself.... :((( anyone have a similar story? this is really ******* with me and my head.. i want to forget and make the depression stop!!!
yeahyeah7722 yeahyeah7722
18-21, F
11 Responses Apr 28, 2011

Please don't feel bad. It's not uncommon for kids to get curious and experiment with each other at that age. I think you'd probably be surprised by just how often that happens with their own cousins, but if you think about it that actually makes sense because they're often a big part of each others lives at that age. It all just stems from a natural curiosity, and when acted upon isn't really all that sexual once you've had adult experiences to compare it to. The important things to remember are that you really didn't know any better, and you didn't let it go too far. That is absolutely not something you should keep beating yourself up over. That said, where some of it was done to you without your consent I am very sorry. This is obviously not okay and absolutely not your fault, and I hope you don't blame yourself for that either. Really though, the point of my posting is just to let you know that you've done nothing to beat yourself up over. You were a kid and didn't fully understand what you were doing. That doesn't make you a horrible or disgusting person, it just makes you human. If you can, try to find someone to talk to abut this, a therapist or something. Not because you need to be fixed, but because if you fix your perception of what happened I believe you won't have to feel bad about yourself anymore.

Ima guy
When I was 5 my cousins (also guys) use to play with my penis and I would play with there's as I got older like 7 I started to wear my sisters panties does cause we'll nou I'm not really sure why. Anyway when I got older we started to fool around more he woul stick his penis in my *** and other way around but when I became 10 we started to do it less but then my other cousin came ( girl ) the was about 7 and for some reason your wanted me to touch her vagina and so I did and nou as we got older is got worse and worse firt I would only touch it then I would Milf her and nou its gotten to a point we would dry hump... Nou these days it feels so wrong even thinking about it and I don't want to talk about it to someone I know or anything I'm to ashamed to talk about it but I realized it would be the only way I would get over this thanks for reading I needed to get my storie out

what's the big deal? We were all horny that age. You may not have actively wanted it but you were probably curious and wanted to know how to please boys. And it's not like you had intercourse and got pregnant or anything. A lot of people would envy you having had the chance to get intimate and have "mock sex" at that age. Why do you feel dirty? If you didn't do it with them you probably would've *********** anyways, like many girls that age. Either way the sexual urge comes out.

I think you are really being hard on yourself..... You may may not have wanted this kind of attention. It seems as though you may have. And it seems as though you are suffering because you are worried about other peoples judgments and hang ups. It is not like they were adults , they were horney preteens and you were horney as well. If you had a good time what's the big deal. We are all sexual creatures from a young age and should not let the rules and moral judgments take a simple and fun experience into a life changing head trip. Why don't you think back, smile and finger yourself and remember The Innocent and un inhibited beautiful little nymph that you used to be.

When I was younger I use to do stuff with my cousin that were younger than me. they wanted to do it and all we did was hump and touch and stuff. It was weird I don't know how to explain it I guess I was just horny. I had been extremely sheltered as a kid, so I guess I never really had a chance to avoid that stuff .. then one day my cousin came to visit us for a while he is older . I was probably 12 he was 16 or so. And while we were playing he would fondle me and ask to stick his penis inside me, but I said no too many times . I jerked him off . he humped me repeatedly and fingered me once. Also with my friends they would show me their penises all the time and do weird stuff. I'm a lesbian now I doubt due to all of that , but now that Im older And even some of my friends that use to do that I still see, but it's weird. I'm 21 now and am starting to think about the things that have taken place in my life. And I feel ashamed and like I am going to hell . and even now I have terrible thoughts about terrible things. I feel nasty and deranged an really sad sometimes.

MY life was rough and if your been molested and feel that the world needs to know, hey let it out or you will slowly deterate!

Forgetting is not the answer. Accepting that you were hurt and must heal is key to growth. Somewhere along the line you will need to evaluate whether there is any value to you in maintaining a relationship with your abusers. If not it is easy to cut off contact with anyone who is connected to them, and move on in life. If you descide that it is worthwhile for you to keep them in your life, you will need to see if it is a case of decent people doing indecent things. See if the person that they have become is a good person today, then treat the memory of the person that they once were as a seperate entity. My memories of my baby son is quite distinct from the young man that I look at today.

Where does the fine line between gentle petting and molestation occur? There are usually 2 culprits involved. Women usually need to keep their mouth shut about these kinds of things. Unless they were completely coerced to do these acts it was more of the former and not the latter. Stop telling the whole world especially your best friend about these things. Try keeping a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Otherwise you are defaming yourself and the other person; and you can spend some jail time as well.

hey i think i can understand what u r going thru because i felt d same way about myself a lot of times too..but i realized recently that there is no point brooding over what ur mind sometimes tells u 2 do...all of us get weird thoughts at some point in our lives n v cannot punish ourselves forever 4 d way v feel..v can only try not 2 entertain those thoughts n make amends 4 mistakes v have already committed..so get a hold on things..talk 2 somebody u can trust n who will understand ur problems..it helps a lot..u r a good person n i am sure help will come ur way..god bless..

My heart goes out to you, My Father was sexually abusive in my home!! I understand what you are going through, It is actually a very common thing for people who have been abused, to hate themselves for what happened!! <br />
One thing that really helped me is to understand that the body responds to pain or pleasure without our control. Just a beating forces our body to feel pain, so a molestation forces pleasure upon our body. This doesn't mean we liked being molested!! I've experienced both!! Is that making sense?? <br />
another thing that helped me is to read books about others who have been through similar circumstances. If you pray for God to bring someone into your life to help you get out of depression and find true happiness in Him, God will answer your prayer. He has answered many of my prayers! Hope that helps- Juno<br />
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PS. It bothers me that people read these who were not abused and don't understand it and then try to help. redzinger1 has a bunch of likes on his profile of Want my wife to be shared with another man, He might be reading all these molest stories for the wrong reasons!! Is loving your wife and wanting to watch her with another man is healthy? He is telling you to just ignore your past and put it behind you. Deal with your past with a Christian Councelor and once you understand what happened, and heal from it, you will be able to not be depressed and have good solid relationship skills.

You are a different and better person now than you were then. Try to think of what happened as a necessary thing you had to do and get behind you to make you the person you are today. Like they say, you have to do something once to know that it's wrong. You shouldn't feel disgusted or dirty. There's nothing dirty about sexual activity -- we all have to learn how to do it sometime, and we work on our night moves with people we find ourselves near. Those who molested you have to deal with their sin themselves, so you won't worry about them. Your cousins are different people now too, and probably wouldn't do those things with you now even if you wanted to. Try to close the chapter and put it behind you. You're better and wiser for it now. When I was in my early teens I sexually experimented with my younger brother. We're both heterosexually married men now, we love our wives, and we love each other in a brotherly way and would never think about doing now what we did then. But it was something we had to go through at the time to become who we are today. Please write me back and let me know if this has made a difference in how you view yourself, or even if you've just decided to forgive yourself, which you really ought to do for your own sanity's sake. I care about you. Thanks for reading this.