I Fooled Around With My Cousins And Was Molested
When i was younger my cousisn and i would fool around. it was more than one of them. i dont know when it started or how it started.. i was very young.. A CHILD! i did that with like 5 of my guy cousins. 3 of them were brothers but i dont know how that started or happend. i was really young and i barely remember but i think that something did happen where we would fool around. then 2 of my cousins came to stay at my moms house. we started to fool around also. this stopped by the time i was 13. i felt so disgusted and dirty. with 2 of my cousins i remember that they would suck on my boobs. and one of them fingered me and i would fool around with him alot.. i would jerk him off and everything we would also dry hump.. i never had sex with any of them though & liike i said.. this finally stopped when i was 13.. they were older than me. like 3 & 5 years older than me .. i felt like i was the one that started all of this and innitiaated it but i really dont remember i was so young. none of my cousins knew that i would fool aroudn with all of them ... i feel so disgusting. i dont know why this happened to my or why... i hate myself for it so much i wish i didnt have to go through this... i wish this would have never of happened.. i try to not think about it but it always haunts me.. it makes me feel dirty and then also, when i was younger, i thnk i got molested my a guy that lived with us.. like i said i was younger than 7 or 8 so i dont remember but im sure he molested me.. also.. there was another cousin that i hated and he also molested me and touched me when i was sleeping.. i woke up and told my mom but she said that i was probably just dreaming so i never talked baout it again.My past haunts me everyday and i dont know why i did all those things.. why me??? i would never do that now.. and i still live withmy cousins and talk to them on a regular basis.. i dont hate them! i really do love my cousins(not in that way though) i am 19 years old now and we dont talk about it... i dont ever want to talk about it... no one knows but me and them and i feel so ashamed... why me? recently i have fallen into a deep depression.. i never thought about what had happened as much i think about it now... i hate myself.. i feel dirty.. and when i look at them i cant believe we did all those things... i wish it wouldnt have happened.i hate myself and my life for it.. recently i have had suicidal thoughts but i know that ic ould never go through with it.. my biggest fear is what would my mom think or do if she ever found out.. she would hate my and think im disgusting ...i wish i didnt have to go through all this... im going to hell.. i feel it! i want to black out that part of my childhood and not remember i just want forget it.. i havent seeked therapy because i dont know how i would open up about that to a complete stranger.. i hate myself so much eachday!!! i dontk now why i let it go on for so many years and i dont know why i would do it or how it started but its all my fault.. i thnk im the one who started everything.. i dont know how im ever going to get through this ... im 19 and i still have a whole life ahead of me.. i am going to live that life in fear because no one knows my deepest darkest secret.. what would my familly think? i hate myself.... :((( anyone have a similar story? this is really ******* with me and my head.. i want to forget and make the depression stop!!!