Secret Confession

I came across this site by mistake and felt moved by everyone's stories which encouraged me share my own personal experience. First I would just like to express how blessed I am to have the Family I have been given. They know what has taken place and continue to remain loving and supportive. Without them I wouldn't be the strong person that I am today. Here is my confession...

When I was 7 yrs old my entire life changed. For the next 12 yrs my life would continue to spiral downwards. My oldest cousin 'D' was obsessed with the game Final Fantasy 7. He had been molested by his father who also molested my oldest sister 'E' and raped my older sister 'V' when she was 5 yrs old. (He has never been punished or charged for any crimes). This led to my older sister 'V' and my oldest cousin 'D' to fool around sexually. 'D' being obsessed with the game FF7 liked three characters Cloud, Aeris, & Sephiroth. He would play the role of Sephiroth while making me play Aeris and my youngest cousin 'JD' play Cloud. One time he had us get married which included us having to play out the honeymoon scene. He put a blanket over us and told us to make love. He showed us how to kiss, touch, etc. This continued for four yrs, getting worse and worse. Eventually he would make us take all our clothes off and get very physical. My cousin 'D' eventually grew up and started hanging out with his friends and abusing drugs. (He denies all involvement or recollection of these events). As for my younger cousin 'JD' he had become obsessed with me and started confusing fantasy with reality.During these 12 years I had lost my oldest sister 'E' to a car accident, my grandmother, my grandfather, my aunt to a car accident, and my friend 'S'. Because my aunt died my family ended up moving in with my cousin's when I was 12 yrs old. My parents are divorced and we lived with my mother who decided to help out since there was no longer a mother figure in my cousin's lives. Of course things only got worse from there. I was constantly molested and almost raped by my younger cousin 'JD' until I was 18. He would sneak into bed with me while I was sleeping, follow me around every where I went, touch me while sleeping or awake, would force me to take my clothes off from time to time, and even made me please him in order to not be touched or forced to do other things. The list is endless and it is painful to talk about all of these things. He would watch me in my sleep, call me Aeris when ever he wanted to get off, and would write me love letters as if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Things became less and less over the yrs since I would find any way to distance myself from him. Until finally I graduated and went off to college. That's when everything stopped. I felt completely helpless all those yrs and guilty since I allowed it to happen. Many times I wanted to tell others but he constantly threatened to kill me and my family if I ever told anyone. I seriously felt terrified and it has effected my life in so many ways. I am paranoid, scared of men, I have to lock my bed room and bathroom door before I sleep or shower. I suffer from anxiety attacks, depression, personality disorder, and stress. Later on I even found out he had molested my younger brother 'JA' along with other kids from school. (Once again he has never been punished or charged with any crime). During all those yrs I was led to drugs in order to block it all out, I tried to commit suicide more than once, and I use to cut myself non-stop. Of course because of my family I am no longer broken and alone. My brother and I both came forth and told my mom. She wanted to press charges and even tried to get a lawyer but they told her they would only find him criminally insane and put him on meds. She wasn't happy with that outcome. We decided as a family to leave the past behind us and move forward. After all we had been through enough heart ache. The three of us are now living together, stronger then ever, and finally free from the darkness.

Thank you for reading my confession and my heart goes out to all of those who have felt the pain I have.
Never lose hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
MidnightxSadness MidnightxSadness
22-25, F
May 22, 2012