Conflicted

I have only told one other person about the incidents of my molestation it was my brother and just a day or two after I told him I was moved to live with my Grandma and never quite had the time to talk to him about it again. My molester is just 4 years older than me. For A LONG LONG time I questioned if it was even qualified as being molested but as an adult and because of all the conflict I have had and endured related to these incidents I am now 100% positive that it is what it is and I am torturing myself by holding it all in. I really hope to gain some peace of mind by sharing my story. The 1st time my older cousin touched my vulva I was 5. We had went to visit my aunt and uncle and us kids my brother, me, and my 3 boy cousins opted for hide and seek. My cousin said I could hide with him. Since he was the oldest of all of us I thought it was a great idea and so happy he would help me hide. He took me outside around the side of the house I remember it was already dark out when he sat me down next to him by the trash cans in a small corner and wrapped his arm around me. I was a little thing and he is and was back then a big tall guy his arm not only reached around me but could get around perfect to scoop his hand under my far thigh and to my vulva. I can still remember that it smelt so bad like kitty litter and that when he started breathing heavy in my ear and down my neck I started feeling nervous and before i knew it he had his fingers in my panties between my legs and was rubbing my vulva. I didnt cry, i didnt scream, and i didnt run away. I was frozen time seemed to stand still until i heard my other cousin calling out for me I got up and as i was leaving he tried to hold me back down by my underwear but i was able to stand up and I ran so hard when I got to my other cousin I didnt say anything about what happened i just told him I wanted to go inside. The messed up thing i think back on is i didnt even know i should tell somebody. The next time I saw this cousin was on a family vacation. My mom and dad invited him to go to colorado with us. I was ok and definitely didnt think he would do the same thing again. On the plane he wanted to switch seats with my mom to keep me company and she moved I remember being all excited again thinking how lucky I was he wanted to sit with me. When we were in flight he got so close and wanted to "tell secrets" at 1st thats all we did but after a few he started panting in my ear and licking inside it. I told my mom when she checked on us that I wasnt feeling good and had to go to the restroom I stayed in there sooo long the flight attended had to get my mom to get me out. The whole vacation was horrible I had to sleep in bed with him and my brother. my cousin decided that 2 boys couldnt sleep next to each other so you know i was in the middle and the 1st game that came to mind was telephone. i would come up with dumb things to say into my brothers ear as my cousin wasnt saying anything he was panting and lciking on me instead. He held my hand all night and was rubbing on my flat chest and nipples I was only 6 at this time. I hadnt peed the bed probably since i was fully potty trained but that night i peed the bed. i blamed my brother because i didnt want to get in trouble and he had a history of being a bed wetter. I can not remember how many days we stayed in Colorado or much about that trip my vacation memories are of what i just wrote about. The touching and licking went on almost everytime our families got together i tried so hard to stay away but he always found a way to get to me. The last time I was molested by him was the worst. His mom and dad were getting a divorce and we were moving. Our dads (are brothers) decided to take us on one final camping trip as a family since with the move we wouldnt see them as often and with the divorce my uncle would have less time with the boys. I got to ride with my dad and favorite of the boys which ill call greg he is closest in age and was the one who called out for me the 1st time i was molested and for some reason he was always looking to find me when my molester would get me alone, i guess i have always seen him as my rescuer and im just now realizing this????? well back on to the trip we got there and greg and I wanted to share the tent with his little brother but they wouldnt let us because they thought we were to close in age and to close as cousins. SO there i was once more with my dad, brother, and cousin right in the middle of them all, playing telephone. that night when my dad was snoring louder than a bear and my brother had turned his back to sleep my cousin unzipped my sleeping bag i pretended to be a sleep hoping he would leave me alone but he kept on doing what he was doing. He massaged my flat chest and kissed my ears, and neck until he got to my nipples at which time he began sucking on them i remember hating how it felt like he was ripping them off me with his tongue. He then put one of his hands in my panties he began at 1st just rubbing my vulva then it happened he spread my lips i can still remember how all my senses were in overload his fingers were cold as he inserted a finger into me i moved a little and he froze i tried to re position to my side but all that did was get him to stop sucking on me he spooned me closer and went back to my neck and ears and which point he tried to put another finger in me but couldn't maneuver that well without making too much noise. i could hear myself screaming on the inside but was paralyzed with fear. i smelt the pine of the trees and heard everything that night it was so quiet but yet soooo loud. He continued what he was doing for several more minutes and finally stopped. i don't remember sleeping much that night and my other memories of this trip are foreshadowed by the memory of the tent. I was 7 at this time and it was the last time he ever molested me. After this trip we hardly saw my cousins again and I never spoke of the incidents. It wasnt until I was a teen that i moved back by the family to live with my grandma needless to say i was out of control after we moved my mom had an affair and my dad started beating me in his resentment of my mother and the knowledge i had of her affair (my mom was sick she introduced me to her boyfriend and often had me spend time with them together) on top of that i was looking for love from boys way too young and got sex instead by 15 my grandma had enough and took me to live with her a day or two before this I had told my brother about all the incidents but by the time i saw him again i was to embarrassed to bring it up. I cant stand my cousin he has 2girls of his own now and a step daughter i feel so worried for his girls but have never said anything other than I CANT STAND HIM. when people asked why, i just say i dont know, i just dont care for him. Now i say hi to him and talk to his wife and kids but it gets to me. i wonder if he remembers what he did, if it bothers him, and eats at him like it does me, He is always very standoffish to me and my husband but i dont know if its because of that. I wonder if he knows i remember and if he cares that it still haunts me. I have a 15yr old son who will be 16 next month and 2 daughters one is barely 3 and the other will be 1 next month. I have drove myself crazy and probably my son about inappropriate touching and kissing. I never let anyone other than myself and grandma change his diaper and same goes with wiping his butt when he was potty training. My 3 yr old has gone through the same thing her dad thinks im weird because i dont like his parents or mine or family helping her in the restroom and i dont allow her to play hide and seek with her cousins and i dont allow her to play "in the room" when all the adults are outside or go in to watch movies in the dark. I potty trained her at 18m because i didnt want any moments when i wasnt there and she needed a diaper change, My husband doesnt know i was molested and i drive him nuts because i am also very protective with our youngest when it come to them being left alone with family & friends. The memories of molestation are haunting me now more then ever and i think its because my daughter is getting older and closer to the age i was when i was first molested. The memories are with me daily and i feel like they are starting to ruin me i am becoming such an emotional person. I want to talk to my brother about it since he is the only person that I told but i carry a lot of shame and guilt i wouldnt even know what to say. I feel alone and tortured even though the last incident was over 26 years ago. I dont sleep much at night and wish I knew what i needed to feel like someone understands me. i know this was long and drawn out but i had to try to rid myself of it and if anyone can give me some advice to help me move on I would be so thankful
momeeof3rme momeeof3rme
31-35, F
Nov 29, 2012