My Darkest Secrets: Molested By Two Cousins.
There are secrets of my childhood no one knows, not even my parents. I have experienced things no child should have, all behind closed doors. Being sexually molested I feel has put a toll on my life and how I look at it. Around the ages of 8 to about 11 or 12, constant things I’ve dealt with has been affecting me. Imagine having to do things you didn’t and shouldn’t even be doing, being held against your will, so someone else can have their pleasure with you, you’re crying, but can’t make a sound, knowing that may cause you to get hit and being taken advantage of even more. Now imagine that person being a family member…. Just let that sink in for a minute. Now I wanted to tell someone but I just didn’t want to stir up any damage, but when I think now, I feel ashamed, guilty, in the wrong because I was becoming a victim to something I may could have stopped early on. In these situations My family and I were living with my aunt and her seven boys and one daughter (my cousins). One day I had stayed home from school because I was sick and my cousin , was home. It was just us alone watching videos, and then he out of no where body slammed me and started dry humping me. I told him to stop but he just slapped me and laughed. Now I was afraid but was more afraid of him hitting me again so I stayed still while he unbutton my clothing and started doing things I didn't want to do. Until finally someone came home and he let me go. I never told a soul. My other cousin, his brother would touch me at night every night, like grabbing my hand and making it massage his private area and rubbing mines and then I would feel this wetness over my body and it was just disgusting. I was about 8-12 so I was unsure of what it came from or what it was. I got tired of it one time and told my cousin, his sister and she told her mom but nothing never happened. Few years later this same person also tried to take my virginity. Another time I cam home early from school and his mom(my aunt) left so it was just him and I there, I had recently started my period, and I thank God because that is what saved me from losing my virginity to my cousin at such a young age. So at this time, he didn't care and started doing things anytime, and when I was home with him, he made me get naked and do things with him, he got bored so he said he was going to stick it in, I was so afraid because I wasn't ready to have sex, I was only 12, as he reached for a condom, I told him please no, I am on my period, and he stopped and put his clothes back on. That was the last time I had ever been touch by either. Soon after my family and I moved out into our own house. These things have affected me and made me close up into a shell and become the person I am today. I always felt I needed help, someone to talk to but I always felt ashamed, guilty, and disgusted because of what happened, and why I never told my parents or anyone. I remember when we would go visit my aunt and cousins, the one who tried to take my v card, would always come up to me and smile and touch my hair and rub my arms and I would feel disgusted and angry because he knew what he had done but he seemed like he knew he had me, it was a terrible feeling. I always get mad at myself. There were plenty of times I grab a bottle of pills, threw on some depressing music and was ready to go. I have a few suicide notes, and each time I write one, when I am finish I realize I have a lot to live for. I am depressed, a very troubled soul, and I ask God for forgiveness and help every night. When I see the two people who I called family, the ones who caused me so much pain, I feel even more hurt and relive the dark times. I say I forgave them, but honestly if I did, then why would I still be affected by it? I don’t have the answer for that, and I don’t think I ever will. I have a scar tattooed on me that I have been trying to heal and remove for years. I feel I should share my story with other girls who have or are going through secrets similar to mines. Even if no one reads this, typing this all is helping me feel better, a little. This all happened between the ages of 8 and 12, now I am 23, and still dealing with how to completely heal and moving on.