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I Was Molested By My Father

When I was a little girl, 12 yo, my father started sodomizing me. He started having normal sex with me earlier, but after I got my period he stopped penetrating my vagina and started with my anus. At the time I did not know why, but now I think he was preventing a possible pregnancy (I'm not sure). The thing that is even more embarrassing is that I distinctly remember him penetrating my vagina with his fingers while he was sodomizing me and telling me how wet I was and that meant "I liked it". I knew I didn't like it but I also could not explain all the wetness...  This happened on more then one ocasion. He would also use my mouth; At first I didn't even know what to do but he kept giving me instructions...  It was disgusting and I hate myself for admitting this but in a strange way I was relieved that he wasn't hurting me (physically anyway). Every time I recall those days that retched taste comes back to my mouth and I can't explain those mixed feelings that I was having during those moments. I was dreading the moment he would finish because he would almost always make me swallow but at the same time I would be relieved that it was over (at least for awhile). I am ashamed that I let those things happen to me but at the time I really didn;t have a choice. I was twelve and it went on until I was sixteen. My mother started suspecting something was wrong when sometimes she would find smelly stains on my underwear. When she asked me about them I was too afraid and embarrassed to say anything. I was afraid of him, of what he would do if I didn't comply... At first I felt like it was my fault for staining the underwear, he never told me to go to the bathroom after he came inside me and so I let it leak out into my panty and down my legs a few times until she questioned me about it.  He threatened me when we were alone and sometimes while he was abusing me. I've never told anyone about these horrible experiences; in a way I feel guilty about letting it happen. I feel that if I only had more courage...  if I didn't do as he said he would spank me with his belt until I wasn't able to sit on a chair. It was easier (easy might not be the rite word) to do as he said and get it over with as fast as possible. That's probably why, when I turned 14 or so, he developed a real interest in my newly developed breasts. He would fondle them before abusing me when we were alone (witch happened often since my mom worked two shifts) and sometimes even when she was home downstairs in the kitchen and he would call me upstairs, he wouldn't go all the way then, but would touch me all over and squeeze them until they heart and made me feel so dirty that I had to take a shower before going back downstairs. Because of him I have never had a normal relationship with anybody. It all ended when I was sixteen. It happened one morning when my mother was at work and we were in the kitchen. He garbed my hand and pulled me into the living room. I thought I new what he wanted and started feeling sick in anticipation of what he was going to do to me again. But I was wrong this time, he sat on the couch and told me to stand in front of him. Then he told me to take my clothes off in front of him. I was disgusted at the idea and also at myself. He said he didn't want to touch me that day for some reason but that I had to touch myself if I didn't want to get a beating. In my stupid little brain I was actually relieved that I would not have to feel his disgusting hands on me. When I was completely naked a neighbor walked in the front door and saw me there standing in front of my dad squeezing my breasts with one hand and penetrating myself with the TV remote control with the other like he told me to. The neighbor took one look at me and then at him and rushed out and called the police. I still have a vivid memory of that day and how I froze still in that position after Mr. Roberts left through the front door. My dad ran to his truck and they picked him up and hour later somewhere and is currently in prison. I don't know why I'm confessing all these now on the web but I just can't keep all these things in me anymore and I guess it is easier to write them down then to say them out loud. I would like to discuss this some more with some of you that have similar situations because to be honest, I'm 24 years old and still confused about some things that he did to me.
jasmine24 jasmine24 22-25, F 24 Responses Jan 8, 2011

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That reads like a lot of bullshit. It's like 2nd-rate lolita ****.

Hi

I am a child sex abuser. I stumbled across this page while searching to see what is on the net about me. I joined the site so I could reply to Jasmine's experience.
Jasmine please allow me to say I feel a deep sorrow for what you went through. Please do no blame yourself in any way. (I know that is easier to say than do.) Your body reacted in the way it is designed to do, not from liking what was happening. You also did not "let it happen", he abused your trust and put you in an impossible position that you saw no way out from. He is to blame and has the responsibility for your mixed up emotions both then and now. Do not forgive him until he has been man enough to say a proper sorry to you and taken the responsibility for his actions. And he has began to adjust his thoughts and behaviours away from realising innocent children for his own gratification.
Most of all, and this could be for anyone else, he has defeated you once, don't let him win again now you are an adult. Be a better person than he could ever be and do for yourself.

Take care, everyone.
C

... Reading your story makes me sad and feel your pain deep down my gut!... I was also molested by father , I get bad flashbacks and horrible dreams then. Men like our father have no souls, never once my old fart dad apologies to what he has done. fathers like ours are sick fackers and their souls will burn in hell! Girly, I told to myself if justice is not serve on earth the day the old fart dad dies is the day justice will be served. My old man walks around like nothing ever happened.. I know this kind of missed up thinking. I to go back in time and molest him when he was just a lil boy and see how he feels then but since his a psychopath he might just like it/-: I am married now and I am glad to be out of the house, and today he fears me the most that I might turn him in if get professional help and his dirty laundry will be air out to the public. He used to be in control of me now I'm in control of him and if the fakxer ever comes near my daughter I will cut off his hands like I told him. He's very afraid of me and begs me to not get help bc his afraid to go to jail and raped and beat up fackkk up; how ironic the rapest afraid to be raped? Lmao!!!.. all I can do is laught at him and how pittyfful the old fart that he is today. I am 26 now and The day he grows real old and pathetic I will laugh at his face and tell him to burn in hell and hope that his death is most painful one and oh say hi to satan for me; u sick fackkk. So ya, I have a lot of anger as I'm writing this to u, sorry... Excuse my language. I told to myself I will not let my old man win, and I will not let him destroy me and I will not let him know I am scared. When I speak to him my words are swift and I mean freakin business and if you missed with me I will shoot ur balls or better yet I will stump it like a bug with my toes. Just hang in there and be strong. U deserve to be happy and that's what I said to myself. Don't let ur past control u. What's great about books every chapter ends. It's time to close the old chapter and start with a new one. And that's what I did, it doesn't mean that it will still not hurt but u will realized slowly u r recovering and things will get brighter again.:) and bad memories will only be just a distant memory.

I *** twice when I read it. Thank you)

I know this must sound strange...and please don't think im taking his side..but now that hes in prison have you thought of asking him to explain things to you? It might never fix anything but at least..if all goes well, you might get a few questions off your mind..

my sympathies to you of course

yours sincerely

mark.

My profoundest sympathies. NONE of this was your fault, and your reaction and the way you feel now are entirely normal. I was emotionally and physically abused by my father as a child. I'm now 70. My father is still alive, in his 90s, and still at it. My sister and mother and I all thought he might kill us in one of his explosions. I did not recognize any of his behavior as abuse, instead I thought it was my fault. Thanks for sharing. Find a counselor who specializes in child sexual abuse. Counseling can help.

Ok it was never your fault. The thing about child molesters especially fathers they like to use the guilt card. My dad used guilt with me from threats to i would ruin the family by saying anything because i would break it up and all my sisters would be with out a mom and dad. Or the your mother gives me no attention im so lonely. What happens we become victims of their little game. The important thing now is not to remain a victim. Not actual but mentally. Do not let that person have any power over you. This is so hard because we think we should of known better. The fact is its not your fault or my fault. Its your dads fault. You were supposed to trust him and he let you down. Hes a sick person. Im glad hes in jail we didnt get that oppurtunity. My dad got away with all of it. He has passed now. But he didnt have to answer to anything nor did he apologize. He wont get away with it when He answers to God. I made many bad decisions as a result of wjhat my dad did. We will make those mistakes because our child hood was ripped off. All the thngs that we were introduced to as children should of never happened. We were ripped off of our youth. Things do get better they do its not easy i wont lie but it will get easier. I hope i said things okay for you.

I was molested by my father from age 8 until 12. This was the most heart shattering thing to ever happen to me. I loved my Dad and to this day, I still do. I am 23 y/o and I still think about it everyday. It's my deepest, darkest secret. It is very hard for me to maintain a relationship with boys or girls. I don't trust anyone and I question everything. The older i get the more i realize the only way to set my self free is to talk about it, accept it, hear it out loud. I guess in my mind its still a dream. I, myself can't believe my Dad did something like that too me. This year I plan to make some huge changes and face my fears. I think I'll start by telling my story on a webpost like this one. Thanks for the inspiration.

What a tragedy it is to be abused by the very people who we're supposed to be able to trust. Please look into counseling. If you do, the EP community will have fulfilled its function.

You still love him, you said it yourself - so stop regarding your so-called abuse as 'abuse'. It's sex. It's a fact of life. Many fathers probable secretly perv after their own daughters, but most dare not do anything about it. It's just a silly taboo. You said yourself you need to 'accept it'. Do exactly that: except it as just an extension of the love your father felt for you, and stop regarding a bit of molestation as something 'bad'.

I fell in love at 14 with a 17 yo, my first romantic love. His sister (15) confessed to me that their father had been having sex with her since she was five. I was shocked, unable to process, but my relationship with her brother fell apart because he seemed to have "dead spots" I couldn't understand. I never spoke about his sisters confession to me and he seemed completely oblivious. Years later, his sister and I renewed our friendship. His brother had been through multiple failed relationships and rarely left his house. She again mentioned the abuse (her parents were since deceased) and spoke quite honestly about it as she had been in therapy and after many bad marriages finally found happiness in the last one. Finally, I found the courage to ask if her brother knew of the abuse. She said, "he abused him, too! Sodomized him from a very early age!" In retrospect, it explained a lot of things. I wish so much he would have told me, and I wish he would have taken an example from his sister and gotten into therapy. He was a chronic liar and could never be faithful, ran hot and cold, does not like or trust many people ... just as dedicated to maintaining a facade as his sister was to being honest. In their later years, the brother and sister that used to be so close grew apart ... I am convinced because he was afraid she was going to share his dark secrets. Take my advice and share, talk, unburden yourself as often as possible. You help others while you help yourself. Daylight is the best disinfectant. All the best and may god grant you a happy ever after!!

Thank you so much for sharing your story it has helped me in many was. God Bless you and jeep you in his arms!

i have a cyber gf she is molested too like you with her step dad she was able to forgive his step dad but her mother never learn about what happened to her..but the bad side she become addicted to sex in and high libido.she did not admit t it but i know thats the result of her step dad molested her..shes 24 now and her step is 74 now and still living with her mom..

Amazing. Do not blame yourself. I am a guy and I went through some molestation from a receptionist at Disney World when I was a child. I have managed in life because I was able to figure out its not OUR faults.

A receptionist at Disneyworld?! Good heavens, what happened?!

I am sorry this happen to you, I was 6 yrs old when i was molested, and was threatened with my life if i would tell someone... I have been in therapy for over 15 years and the memories, and life events that somehow triggers it... still haunt me. I can only say that there is hope somehow, and that yes we are considered survivors.. but the strength and courage to move forward depends on us only.. I have Faith that someday I will feel normal, mentally healthy and stable, that everything will fall in place... I wish you courage!

Would you recommend therapy, then?

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but i know how you feel im 16 years old and my dad has been molesting me since i was little. I cant even remember most of my life because ive made myself forget them. but i cant bring myself to report him im scared for my lil sister buy i cant do it to her i know i need to report it but im scared they will take her from our step mom.

Do you suck him

The only thing worse than being removed from this family is NOT being removed from this family. Child serviced does its best, under the law, to reunite families. Report him. Social workers will interview everybody. Siblings can be found to be a "sibling group" so they are not separated. You are not the one shattering this family; he is. Please report him.

I think these stories quite rightfully counterbalance all the other stories of how "wonderful" early sex is in child abuse situations. Granted, some women write stories of how they liked sex with their Daddy, and one can only read the stories in wonderment. "How can this be so"?...but it seems to be, in some cases. Anyway, what we read here is only the tip of the iceberg.

This is a subject that interests me. I have found little reliable evidence of little girls seducing their fathers and going on to live in a sexual heaven on Earth. It seems more likely that pedophiles are imagining things. Still, anything, as the saying goes, is possible.

I am 17 years old now and have been molested by my father since I was too young to remember. Once my parents got divorced he was too much of an *** to get a girlfriend, so he turned his attention to me instead. On our weekends, he would smack and grope my butt. I always thought this ok because i grew up with it and thought it was completely normal. Until I saw **** magazines everywhere and he bought an xbox for my brother. My brother was too young and too selfish too realize what was happening. Dad would come up into my room and I have no memory of anything but him being on the bed with me. I have trouble remembering anything of when i was younger, so it is hard to actually report him. I don't see him anymore and he's married now, and I'm confused as to whether or not i really want to see him. I feel your pain

The daughter becoming the wife after a divorce is a very common theme. I don't wo.der that you have repressed the memory of these events. Counseling, counseling....

i would ahve loved it if it had happend to me because i want to have it happen to me

how old are you ?

what kind of sick person are you

Sick ******* idiot! You would be deeply scarred if this happened to you, and you sound scarred as is. Have some damn respect for what this woman and many other people have suffered through, dealt with, even taken theur own lives because of. Go to hell and take any other

Sick petverts who think as you do. And consider getting yourself mentally evaluated.

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there are alot of sick preverted people out in the world the parent lottery gave you the very worse its not you did not deserve this its a terrible crime comitted on you its nothing you could have done to stop him but I do know it makes you feel like dirt he is dirt. i am so sorry that this has happened to you. i am crying just thinking of this monster.

There are a lot of sickos out there. I am relieved to a point that my abuser is rotting in HELL but many years later, I still suffer. It affects my marriage and my personal self. I have sexual hangups that I myself believe to be stupid but can't seem to get over. Really, how hard should it be to ********** in front of your husband when it would please him? I don't even want to think about touching myself in private.. I'd love to be spontaneous and roll play and even enjoy anal sex with my husband but can't bring down the walls that are up and enjoy my current life because of what was done to me by my step-father. I did tell my mother what was going on and she called me a liar. I am so glad for you that your neighbor walked in when he did and did the right thing.

You are not to blame. You were a child obeying your father, that is what children do....I'm glad your neighbor put a stop to it. Because you would have been abused further and later in life, your dad would have inevitably moved on to a new victim.

I am so sorry my cousin made me...uh touch myself infront of him for like 2 minutes and then he did it but i dont remember if he got caught orr not

I can say that my dad molested me when i was 18 then again only 4 months ago. nothing near like what you've been through. the main things i can relate to are the guilt, feeling like you could have done something but kept silent, feeling gross, feeling ashamed, scared. etc... all those things. I'm so glad you are getting it out. the best thing that helped me was that i wrote down the instances of what happend with my dad and i. i wrote down what i felt, where, when etc. then i wrote down what i wanted to do in my life, how could i turn this into good? So, i then formed a plan, who could i help or what programs could i start? be part of to help awareness, or coping mechanisms? Its never too late to talk to a counselor. Remember, its not your fault, and there is hope for your relationships with people. You can chose to have a healthy relationship with anyone, romantically or a friendship. all it takes is practice and an understanding of what the relationship needs to look like. because you haven't had a good example of a father, its hard (i can relate) to understand what a good man to marry or date would look like. what i did for myself to help me, was i wrote on a sheet of paper in 2 columns the good characteristics and bad characteristics of my dad. i then openly realized what to be aware of and what to AVOID in finding in a man or in a friendship. YOU are so fortunate to be in a place where YOU are in CONTROL! this is the good news! You have the control. You can chose to have healthy relationships. Take it slow, and recognize continuously what a good relationship is & what the best thing you can do is find healthy relationships and absorb that. Don't be afraid to be around men alone, to be intimate w/ a man on a romantic level, or have a relationship. Don't rush just take your time, and healing will come! You are so brave and pure. do not let anyone tell you that you are disgusting. you are worth it, you're worth every moment on this earth to enjoy for yourself. Keep your head up. I am so sorry that some men cannot understand how to love their daughters. its very painful to have the one man in your life your father, who is supposed to be your protector be your violator. I know. & its going to be okay. it gets better if you let it. You did nothing wrong. You're very brave & strong. hang in there.

ur such a strong person to have gonr through that! im am so sorry that happened to u...HE IS A DIRTY AS MOTHER FUCKEN ***** THAT DESERVES TO BURN IN HELL!..its not ur fault that it happened he is just a dirty as creep..i was molested by my step father when i was 14 im 16 now nd i have to live with the fact that he did it...nd i kno u went through way worse so i cnt imagine what r feeling...just kno ur a good person nd u didnt desever that <3....sooner or later ull never have to look bk at all of it itll b nothin but a dim memory just keep ur head held high <3

I am so soorry that this happened to you:( I know that i cant really understand everything that you have gone through. But I waz molested by my grandfather when I was 10 (i am now 13) and it feels terible! I hate having that ****** up memory. I will never forgive him for what he did. He is a sick som of a *****! But, i wish i didnt hate him as much as I do because honestly, whats is done is done and tgere is nothing i can do to change that. But i do hope that some day I will get over this.