I Thought He Was My Protector

It all started when I was 3.  My mom and dad walked in and found my babysister raping me.  I have nightmares of blood being everywhere.  I remember hearing my mom telling someone that my dad beat the crap out of the babysister and he went to jail.  I seemed to be a target of being molested not just men but even a women.  My dad always seem to be there to save and protect me.  My mom and dad got a devorice when I was 11 and my sister and I wanted to live with him.  Well when I was 12 I finally got my wish.  Growing up I kinda knew that my dad was really into women and always cheating on my mom.  He always had a trunk of dirty magazines.  One night I wanted to watch a movie ( The Exorists).  It was on really late and he told me to go to bed and he would wake me up when it came on.  I remember what I was wearing a long pink nightgown with a yellow and blue cat.  I use to pee the bed so at first I thought he was checking me to see if I peed the bed.  Well he wasn't!  I remember him touching me in both private places and I pretended to sleep and rolled over to the other side of the bed.  I remember thinking that it felt good and it made me feel really ashamed.  After that he woke me up and I watched the movie.  He went fishing one night and came home and I remember being in his bed.  I remember hearing the song I see skyes of blue and hearing a spanking noise.  He was ******* off and I pretended to sleep.  A few other weird things happened after that and I always felt uncomfortable being alone with him.   We all planned on going on vacation to Florida.  I talked him into letting me stay with his live in girlfriend.  My reason was I wanted to go to my first 6th grade dance.  While they were gone I went to my guidence counclor and told her everything.  I got put into a foster home while going to court.  One of the worst memories of court was my grandmother saying to me "I can't believe your doing this to your dad".  It hurt so bad because I love my dad and put him up high.  I wanted to be just like my dad.  I played basketball and track just like my dad.  I even wanted to join the army like he had done.  I was strong and moved on and never talked to him again.  Later in life I looked at myself as a survivor.  Until I found love and realized what I had been through would lead to depression and not wanting to leave my house.  I have to get help before I fall to far.

MySunIsGone MySunIsGone
31-35, F
Feb 7, 2010