First Time I'm Telling Anyone

When I was thirteen, in eighth grade, I thought I was so cool because I hung out with tons of high-schoolers. I mostly talked to them because I was in advanced classes, so I was in their math or English classes. But I had a couple of friends that were seniors, friends of my brother. I helped a couple of them with homework, and so they invited me to a party. I thought it would be like in movies, because as a nerd, the one thing I didn't know about was life. So I went.
I was super excited. I had never been to a party before, mainly because I wasn't "cool" enough. I was expecting a party like my brother had described, but then I remembered it was the guy's little sister's birthday party. When I got there, they were playing seven minutes in heaven. I didn't know how to play, but it was my turn first. So I picked something out of the hat. I pulled out a lighter and assumed it was the senior's (I'm trying my best not to give names). I walked into the closet and waited for him.
He came in within about thirty seconds, and even with the lights off I could tell he was grinning. "I don't know how to play" I whispered. He said he would show me. He sat in front of me and put his hand on my leg. He asked if this was okay, and even though it made me uncomfortable, I nodded. I know he saw me do it but he sneered "I can't hear you!" It all went downhill from there. "You know, we all get tired of you. Such a know-it-all, but I like it." He whispered. He moved his hand higher on my thigh. After about a minute of him squeezing my thigh, he reached over and locked the door. Whoever made doors that lock on the inside I was very angry with them. "I don't think you're supposed to do that" I stuttered. He ignored me and slid his hand higher up my skirt. I was still in my school uniform, I had come straight from school. I shivered as he put his other hand on the small of my back. Now remember, I was in eight grade and a nerd; I had never even kissed a boy! With one hand on my shoulder and the other on my back, he pushed me backwards. By that time I was almost crying, and I'm not sure why I wasn't. Laying on the cold floor, I realized the closet was a lot bigger than I had thought. Now he had one hand on my neck, and the other back on my thigh. He told me if I ever told anyone about what he was going to do, that they wouldn't care, that this was the best I was ever going to get so I should enjoy it while it lasted. By this time I was crying as he unbuttoned his pants and pulled down my skirt. He said if I screamed he'd hit me, so I stayed quiet. "Are you a virgin?" He asked, though he didn't really care. I looked at the wall with tears sliding down my face. He yelled at me to look at him. By now everybody had gone upstairs because "we were taking too long." He pressed his hand down hard on my throat. "You're only making this harder for yourself." I wanted it to be over, so I nodded. He slid his hand inside my panties, and pulled the down. He also unbuttoned my shirt, and unclasped the ugly and uncomfortable bra that came with my uniform. "You look so much better without clothes." He told me to hold his manhood, though he used much more colorful language. I whimpered, kind of like a dog does when it wants to go outside only short and muffled. He slid one finger inside of me, and then another. I starter to scream when he had gone too far, but he put a hand over my mouth. I couldn't think to be glad that his hand was off my neck. I closed my eyes and wished he would just be done, but it was only the beginning. As he did all these things with his hands, he expected me to be doing something with mine. I felt liquid going down my leg and when I realized it was blood I tried to scream again. He hit me hard in the stomach. I laid there with my hands over my eyes and since I wasn't doing anything for him, he shoved himself inside of me with no warning. "Say something smart." He smirked at me. I couldn't find anything to say because I couldn't think. I was seeing stars and about to faint. I think he could tell because he unlocked the door and got dressed. Before he closed the door, he locked again from the inside. I guess I wouldn't be anymore fun if I couldn't struggle. I sobbed and curled up into a ball. I was hurting all over when I unlocked the door. I walked home, because I didn't want to face anyone at the party. The next monday somebody asked why I left so early. He was standing right there. I said I had a headache and he nodded at me.

It's been three years and I still have nightmares about it. The only reason I remember it so clearly is because I see it every night. I paint on a smile when I get up in the morning. I go to school and only hang out with guys just to prove to myself that he's wrong, but all I've found is that all guys are just like him. It's happened three more times between him and I. I went to his house the other times, because he threatened me. He said he would hurt me, or my little brother. Even though he's graduated now, he says we should keep in touch. But I don't want to. I really DON'T want to. I never want to see him, or anyone like him ever again. I don't go out on dates like most girls my age because I'm scared of being alone with a guy. It just kills me. I have body image issues because of how he told me that I'd never be loved. I hate him. But my painted smile seems to help everyone else feel okay.
SillyMonster SillyMonster
18-21, F
4 Responses Nov 3, 2012

That is one of the most vivid and terrible stories I've heard on here! The next time you see him, (if you do,) kick his *** for me! :P

SillyMonster: I am so sorry those things happened to you and that there was no one around to help you or rescue you from this monster. Do not continue to let him steal your joy. At some point you have to overcome the fear or he and others like hime will continue to victimize you. They play on the fear. They play on our peaceful and timid ways. You have to learn to become a spiritual warrior who can be peaceful when the moment warrants it and forceful and fearless when folks want to **** with you! They are really cowards which is why they only **** with vulnerable and defenseless individuals.

Take a martial arts class so you can kick some *** the next time a predator trys to victimize you.

Blessings! Rev. Qiyamah

You are very strong because the experience was shared and it is not yours anymore. You can leave it here for others to learn and reflect.

He did that to your body, because he felt that you are superior to him. You are more intelligent, people respected you for knowledge and help you provided, and for him the only way to feel better about himself, was to dominate your body. To show that he can control something, and the only thing he could control is fragile girl's body with brutal force. You should not be afraid of him, his is a weak person.

How to deal with that? Get good psychologist, do not get this experience to poison your mind and life. Try to mentally separate your body from you. You are not your body, so your body was violated, but not your, he would not have such power.

Hope it helps.

I think that you've got to do something. I mean, don't make him handle your life. If he threaten then I suppose the police or even your family could involve. I'm afraid if you can't move on with your life and keep thinking about that problem. I'm afraid and pity for you. You have to be strong. Think of the best way, not just grin and bear it without solving that probs.