Bittersweet

I came to the United States at the age of eleven. I came here so that i could live with my mother when i finally got my VISA. A couple months later, when my step dad and me were watching tv, he started touching me in my private parts. When i was younger, at the ages between seven and ten, my cousins had touched me in my private parts too. I didn't know it was wrong then, I just thought it felt good. So here i was again, with my step dad and I thought it felt good. He would also kiss me in my lips and made me touch his penis. I feel extremely guilty thinking about it now, and how wrong it was. I now know that it wasn't my fault. He was 41 and a cop so that just makes it worse. Anyways, the hardest part for me to deal with is the first thing my mom told me when she found out her husband had molested me. She told me, "I have been with him for so long, I love him, and just forget about it". I was devastated, and she even tried tricking me into not telling the cops by telling me that she and my brother would go to jail if i told her. Since i was so gullible back then, i did keep my mouth shut for like a couple of months but then the police showed up at my school and I felt like telling them. When my mom found out that i had told them, she got all pissed at me and then I had to move to my dad's place, even though i didn't really want to because i wanted to be with my brother who is the only person i trust. so i moved like 4 times after that and now I am back here living with my mother. My step dad is under house arrest for 3 years. I just got out of a mental hospital yesterday. I was there for having suicidal thoughts and stayed there for almost a week. Last night, i was telling my mom how hurt i felt when she told me that she loved him and to forget about it after hearing about what step dad did to me. She told me that she was very confused and that she was very mean to him, and that he went through a lot of humiliation since he was in the media after i told the cops. However, she told me that she still wants to get back together with him, after he has completed his terms. This makes me really sad even though i feel like i am not supposed to. I feel like she always put her husband before me. Like when i was being mean to him because i remembered what he did to me, she sent me to live with my aunty in a different country because she was afraid of losing her husband. I feel like blaming my mom for everything. My depression, my contradicting thoughts, my suicidal thoughts etc, i know that is not healthy and i feel like i am already losing it! whenver i try to talk to her about the hurt i feel, she always throws it back at me and acts like she is the victim. it doesnt help me at all, and its making me lose it!
dupjang dupjang
18-21, F
1 Response May 17, 2012

If you can't tell your mom, tell someone you really trust, like your brother. Your mother isn't a real mother if she tells you these things.