I Was A Daddy's Girl, But Then...

It's only a game. He said it was the demons making him do it. God I was so stupid back then. I was 11 when it started. I don't know what went wrong. He was like the perfect dad. My real father was never around. Chuck, my step-dad, had been around since I was 2. I even liked him more than my mom. He had moved us into a new house when I was 5 and married my mom right before I turned 6. We would lay on the couch together before he had to get ready for work and we would fall asleep. I felt so safe in his arms. He started acting a little funny though.

When we were out in his shop (he was a gunsmith and I liked to help him) he would talk about his and my moms sexual relationship and how she basically wasn't giving it to him anymore. Then not long after that was the first of 3 of his "episodes". It started out as wrestling or just playing. Sometimes I would go with him in his bedroom while he got ready and dressed for work. But he never took off all his clothes. Sometimes he would try to push on my waist in one certain spot and it would make me have to go to the bathroom. He wanted to tease me so he wouldn't let me up. He kept doing it to make me suffer to the point where I almost wet myself. I can never remember fully how I ended up on his bed. With my pants and underwear in a little pile on the floor.

Every single thing he did to me was oral. He kissed me on the lips and the breast. Then, on all 3 occasions, he stuck his tongue in a place it should never have been. My mind wanted to block out what was happening as much as possible, so half of my memory of what happened looks like its in the ceilings perspective. But what I see from the memory in my own body is the man I called Daddy, since I was five, with his head inbetween my legs and his tongue roaming. His eyes lost in mine. But the way I see it, its my fault. I never stopped him. He even told me if I didn't want him to do it anymore then to tell him. But I never spoke a word. And something I hate about this whole thing, it didn't hurt. And it didn't feel bad. I wanted it to feel bad because if it did I wouldn't feel so low of myself and so guilty.

The last time it happened was the worst. It was also the last day I ever seen him. It lasted for a long time. Longer than the first two times. And it was also when he french kissed me. At first I thought it was just a daddy-daughter kiss on the lips like always. But then I felt his tongue reaching for mine. So I pulled mine back. He just reached farther til I had no choice. And I didn't stop that either. I let him do it. In a way I felt like I was participating. I still remember everything I was wearing that day too. Only because I had to walk around the room to find it all. It seemed as though the whole "episode" lasted an hour. Although I'm not sure of the actual time length. Something happened that time though. Something that made him pause. He had been doing it so long that day that it had triggered something. My body locked up and started twitching and shaking. Like it was trying to get away. Like it had had enough. But again, it wasn't a bad feeling. He asked me if I was okay. I lied and said yes. I restrained myself and tried stopping the twitching so he wouldn't get mad.

During all his episodes, I was frozen. I couldn't speak except for that one time. I never cried until after it was over and I was out of his sight. My mind was racing during the whole thing. I was thinking "Did this man actually go looking for a single mother of a small child so he could marry her and raise the child to where they would trust him and he could manipulate them into not telling. Just so he could do this to me?"

That last year I spent with him, I was living in fear. I never knew when he would strike. I became more and more distant. Which I didn't notice until my mom pointed it out recently. I didn't like sleeping on the couch with him anymore and when I did I would wait until he was alseep for me to make my escape. My grades dropped that year until he left. Then they improved greatly. I would constantly think about him. I still have nightmares. Every night he haunts me in my sleep. And I have flashbacks often. I've tried for 4 years to forget everything. Now I have to bring it all back because my mom and I are pressing charges. Its painful to bring all this back when I've tried so hard and so long to forget it all. I can't remember most of my childhood because my mind has tried to protect me from him as much as possible. But somehow the most painful things of all have stayed with me.

I have 3 siblings by my mom. Two of them lived with us for a long time. But he never did anything to them. Only me. He knew I wouldn't tell. Something that scares me is that one day, I woke up and he was standing at the top of my stairs just staring at me while I slept. He claimed he was looking for something. Then went back downstairs. I don't know what he was doing but I don't think anything had happened while I was alseep. My memory is blurry but if I'm not mistaken it was the last day anything had happened.

To be honest I kinda miss him. Well I miss the Daddy he used to be. Or at least the little bit of his good side that I actually remember. He always made me smile. But he was also the parent that did all the disciplining. And it hurt. He hit me so hard when I was younger that I couldn't sit down. And all for stupid reasons. The hitting stopped after the molestation started. So in a way I was a little thankful. Though it did emotionally scar me more.

With everything that's happened I've become sensitive to sexual comments among my friends. But I hardly ever say anything about it. I want to be normal like the rest of my friends. I want to experience the things they do without fear. It took me 10 months of being with my boyfriend to gain enough courage for my first kiss.

That man didn't just molest me or rape me. He robbed me. He took my innocence. He twisted my soul. He screwed with my mind until all that was left was a broken little girl, terrified of getting hurt again. I don't trust men anymore. I hate them really. Especially step-dads. I don't care if I've known them for years. If they're a stepdad, I try my best to stay away.

I'm in therapy now. But we don't talk much about what happened. She's more concerned about the threat I pose for myself. I need to get my act together. The next time I screw up, I get sent away. I don't want that to happen. But recently we've talked about court. Court didn't get to happen yet. Chuck started sending suicidal text messages to his attorney. Then checked himself into a psych ward. Which means this has to drag on even longer for me. I was hoping some of these things would slow down or go away after it was over.

This has been haunting me since it started. I'm now 16. And I'm also not allowed to be alone. When I am, bad things happen. Flashbacks, memories flooding back, occasional voices, and then nightmares when I fall asleep. It seems I can never truely get away.

My best friend and baby sister are great comforts to me. They mean a lot to me and they make things better. I love them so much. I'd die if I lost them. And I'd give my life to protect them from the things of my past and worse. As long as it keeps them safe. May they lead long, normal, happy, healthy lives. And I leave with that.

jaded627 jaded627
Jul 12, 2010