My Stepdad Molested Me Numerous Times During My Childhood

Like some of the others on here, I can't remember the exact time it started or ended, just some impressionable images and how he always ended our alone time together by saying, "Remember, don't tell your mom." I was around the age of 7 or 8 when it began- I remember him coercing me by showing me my first **** magazine and trying to get me to think of the whole situation as a lesson for how arousal works for older adults. He would make me look at Hustler magazines while he would perform oral sex on me which left me a very confused little boy because I found the women in the magazine attractive and also enjoyed the sensation of getting a ******* even though my balls hadn't dropped yet, though I was not attracted to my step-dad or any man in a sexual way. At such a young age I had no real frame of reference for my own sexual orientation and felt very troubled thinking I was gay though I didn't truly feel gay and knowing full well that not every boy and girl was like me, and felt that if I shared that fact with any of my peers I would be ostracized. I lied to my mom about being molested when she asked me if I was (I don't know why she asked, maybe she was suspicious or maybe she just felt like I needed to be asked that question around that age). I know how I ended it, just not exactly when, I think I was a 5th grader; since he always waited for my mom to leave the house to ask me to be with him I knew I could avoid him by going into my bathroom and locking the door a few minutes before my mom left on this one particular day. Like I expected, he knocked on the door and asked me to join him and I said "No..." I think I repeated the word a few times without thinking and he never did it after that. We didn't talk for a good few months after that and he was very nervous around me but eventually we just kept living our lives and tried to forget.  It took so much courage from me to tell him no because I was so afraid of losing my step-Dad who was otherwise a very nice and caring man but who never dealt with his own insecurities from his childhood. I've kept this secret for over 15 years and not a day has gone by that I don't think about it, even if for only a second, and for some reason now, at 22 I feel the sinking feeling and exhaustion of not being able to be honest with the person I care about the most but who I know would be excruciatingly hurt by the news and would most certainly leave my step father if he doesn't kill himself first because I know he's the type. I love him and I hate him for how much pain he left me with that I couldn't even really understand the extent  of until many years later when I could look back at my life in retrospect. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin, sometimes I think I am but I cry alone many nights.
johndoe97322 johndoe97322
1 Response Dec 15, 2012

i'm so sorry that happened thank you for sharing with us your story, i think that more men as well as women should be able to come out and say it without thinking and knowing that society would hate them for it and call them gay. i have had a similar experience also, i was molested by my step dad in 7th grade (i'm in 8th grade now) and i'm still dealing with it it started at 6 i was molested by me older (female) cousin for about 2-3 years because she lived with us and after that my step dad molested me and then lied to my mom when i told her of course she believed me (thank god) and confronted him. we are still dealing with the child advocacy people, i also cry at night wondering why this had to happen to me, what did i do that was so wrong. my real dad left me and my older brother when i was 3 he was 4 he was abusive and tried to kill my mother. and i can't look at a older man and not think that he is going to hurt me, and i don't talk to my cousin anymore