I Was Molested And Raped By My Stepdad

When I was 10 (4th grade) my stepdad started touching me but it started as a really tight hug. Later it progressed to him grabbing my butt and boobs. One night he came in my room and started touching me through my pajamas. He pulled my shirt up and told me that "I had to be careful around boys because their hands slip." Then he pulled my shirt up and started to kiss on my breasts. He told me that he did this because he thought I needed special attention aside from my other 2 sisters and because I was older than them he said he had to show me a different kind of attention. He also told me that it should stay between us. This type of stuff went on for a few years and it was always at night when every one was asleep. When I was in about 8th grade he started fingering me. i thought this so uncomfortable so id squirm around to make him stop. This didnt happen every night but it was too often. I hated this. Every time we had an arguement he come into my room at night and "apologize." It was on June 6, 2008, my mom had taken me to the doctor for my physical and that night was when I lost my virginity. He came in my room and got on top of me. stradling me. i tried to move but he was holding my wrists to the bed. He was soo much bigger than me. That was the worst night of my life. It hurt so bad. But it wasnt even full penetration. All he did was tear the tissue because my mom had called him into the dining room where she was doing paperwork. I cried myself to sleep that night. I felt so bad, like I was dirty. I started having hate towards everything, including God. My mother was an Evangelist and my stepdad was the church musician. i felt like God wasn't real and if he was "what did I do to deserve to have to go through this?" Because of this incident, I found myself being insecure about myself. I wanted my life to be over. This wasn't a one time thing. He kept trying until he got it. When he finally got it, it was non-stop. . .I hated it. Id try to release my feelings in a journal but he'd come in my room while I was at school, find it, and rip the pages out of it. I'd act like I was asleep, just so he'd hurry up and leave. I wanted to tell my mother so bad, but because my stepdad and I were always arguing I feared that she wouldn't believe me. I thought she would take his side and say that I just didnt like him because he wasn't my father. Everything finally stopped when I went off to college in 2011. I went away and I was fine. I came home one weekend and he snuck into my room and it happened. Once I went back to school I started having really bad anxiety attacks. I failed one of my finals because I had an attack during it so I wasn't focused. I didn't have that drive to do anything anymore so I dropped out. That was indeed the last time that he came in and raped me but I'm still scarred. Its hurts on the inside. I feel like I can't trust men. I always keep my guard because I'm scared. My stepdad walks around like he's perfect and I just don't understand how. He molested and raped so how can you walk around like you've done nothing to me and like I owe you something. People think I just don't like him, but they don't know what goes on in my house. I hate that im only 19 but yet so full of anger. Everybody's always sayin God makes things better, but I just don't see it. Ive been in church my whole life and its a mess. If God was real and loved me then why did I have to be the one to suffer and go through this. My mom and I were never really close. But now Im back in school but I still stay at home. My stepdad walks around with an attitude towards me when Ive done nothing wrong. Im just ready to start my own family and get the love that I think I deserve. How can I overcome the hurt that I feel on the inside? Help!!
KourtneyAshley KourtneyAshley
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 20, 2013

I have experienced the same thing as u to but unfortunately the pain does not go away even if u get married like me. All u can do is try to keep ur mind busy with daily activities and force urself to try to move on. Sincerely Angel

Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE, they may be able to help. Avoid the church, or any churches affiliated with the one the predator works at. Sick as it is, they'll often protect the predator and blame the victim. You need to get out of there.He can walk around that way because he's a psychopath that feels no remorse. He's not capable of it. He'll do anything to avoid being outed for the monster he really is. Anything he says to you is a lie. He'll try to guilt you. Don't listen. He'll try to turn everyone against you. His kind are very good at that kind of thing. He'll likely use religious rhetoric to try to get you to forgive him. Think of him as you were taught to think of the devil. No matter how honeyed his words are, no matter how contrite he seems, his words are toxic and he is filled with deceit. He may try to convince you that he can change. It's a lie. He will never change. People like him are irredeemable. He is a soulless monster, and you did nothing wrong. You're not alone. There are people who care. I'm one of them, and there are others. Good luck.

thank you so much !! :)

Im going to be direct. This is advice but its strong advice and I dont know any other way to say it. Youre not ready to start a family. As a mother and wife, you will have to give more than you receive. Youre not whole at this point in your life. You have been wounded deeply and you havent even begun to heal. Youre not even in a position to heal because you stay with the molester and the mother that BETRAYED you on a level that I can not describe. But I can say that you probably feel like you dont have a voice and you are nothing. In your mind your mother has defined your value. You are now in search for love to feel like you matter in this world. This search will ONLY breed bad decisions if you are looking for it in people, career, money, etc... You need to FIRST get out of that house. You have to detach yourself and it will feel like ripping a band-aid from a wound. Get somewhere mentally and physically safe! I dont care if the abuse hasnt happened since you were 4, 3, 2 or 1 yrs. of age, get out. SECOND,you need someone that you can talk to in confidence. Someone you can talk to without judgement. THIRD, go to a church that your family is not affiliated with. The church can help you with your daily survival needs and counseling. I suggest a christian counselor who is an expert or can TAKE YOU (not just refer you) to an expert in sexual abuse counseling. This counselor will not rush your process of healing or demand that you forgive right now but instead see forgiveness as a process. Ill be praying for you. Get out of that house.