My Sisters Father Molested Me

I am now 27 yrs old. He and my mom got together when I was about 7. I liked him at first. He was nice to me he always played with me and bought me things. Then one day I was around 9 yrs old we were playing like play fighting, it was only us two in the apt. I remember him starting to hump me. I remember being scared and I just layed there. And what disgusts me most is that the humping felt good It countinued for a few min before he got off me. Things got really wierd with the father/daughter relationship. I started feeling uncomfortable around him. But nothing else happened until I was about 10 or 11. We were on vacation in jersey shore. It was me my 1or2 yr old sis him and my mom They got a one kingsize bed hotel room for the stay. I remember arguing with my mom about the sleeping arrangments which was him on far left, then me, then my mom, then my sis. I didn't want to sleep next to him but they made me. Then one night my mom and sis were sleep Showtime At the Apollo was on when I felt his hand come up my leg. I remember trying not to breath and being scared he then started to enter his finger in me and it hurt and when I started to make noise he said shhh and then stopped. I don't remember when he first had sex with me but I never bled when he took my virginity in the bed him and my mom slept in. I used to hide my face from him with sheets or pillows while he had sex wit me. He told me he loved me and that I could never tell my mother. I listened to him because even though I felt embarrassed and ashamed he made it feel good. He had sex with me in the middle of the night while everyone was sleep or during the day while mom was at work for 2 or 3 yrs. The most disturbing part and what makes me hate myself is that most times I always said no to him at first when he would start taking my panties off i would say no at first but there were some times when I did want him to do it to me. I started to want to have sex with him. Then one day i was horny and i wanted to do it. I started giving him signs that i wanted him to do it to me but he didnt. This got me mad and thats when I wrote in a diary when I was about 13 telling the stories of us having sex and purposely left it out for my mom to find and read. She took me to the hospital to report it and he was arrested. I remember him calling from jail and my mom gave me the phone to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to him but she told me to just listen to what he had to say. He cryed and begged for me to tell the ppl that I lied about the whole thing. My mom wanted me to lie about it too saying think about your sister being without a father and how we can get childsupport out of him. She didn't think think he would molest my sis since she was his real daughter. So I told ACS I lied about the whole thing. They put me and my sister in foster care for about 2 or 3 months during the investigation. They sent me to be checked by a doctor so when they asked who I had sex with I lied and said someboy at school. They even tried to find and interview the boy but they couldn't find him for some reason. I wish they would have so the truth would have came out.My mom never got back with him after all of this but still communicates with him for child support from my sis. My sister is now 18. I never talked to her about what happened. I do remember getting into an argument with my mom and screaming it out of anger. But we never talked about it. I was sent to counciling right after we were back in my moms custody after foster care and had to continue with the lie that I lied about being molested. I find that now I am detached during sex in my relationships. I am constantly lying to my boyfriend. I'm scared to tell the truth because for me its easier to lie. I have cheated in all of my relationships and have lost count of how many peaple I have slept with. I've talked about this with anyone because I am ashamed. I also molested a lil boy I was babysitting when I was about 13 before everything came out I put his private part in my mouth. I am always feeling depressed and don't get support from anyone. Please help
nitajade19 nitajade19
31-35, F
Aug 11, 2013